Venting Life feels like one big cruel joke

[mybabiesaregone]

Here's why I think life is cruel. I've spent nearly 40 years trying to be a really good person. I help others to the point I have destroyed myself. I have always cared about other people more than I ever cared about myself. I rescue animals, domestic and wild, I take bugs outside rather than squishing them, I feed honey bees when they are tired in rainstorms so they can fly home, I cry for them if they pass away…I became broke because I believed in the good in everyone and would help them for free because I listened to their sob stories instead of running my business, men get in relationships with me until they "get better" and have drained me of all resources, I'm a total doormat and probably way too soft for this world. Not probably. I am. I must be or I wouldn't be here. I always thought love was the most beautiful thing and believed that it would win, that the cream rises to the top, that kind of shit. Now, here I am, praying literally day and night for God to take me away from this pain, as I can't even bear to squish a bug it's pretty safe to say it would be much nicer if it could just end and I was none the wiser. I've had boyfriends nearly kill me and I absolutely fought for my life. Tied to a chair, gun to my head, locked in a garage in the heat, ran off the road, dragged down the stairs, head smashed into concrete, I'm still here!! I wish I wouldn't have fought back now. A car wreck that could have killed me instantly if there was a difference of mere inches. Accidents with my line of work with large animals. Surgeries and being told I almost passed under anesthesia. The cruel irony though…The only reason I want to go…but a huge reason and it is not a fixable reason…Both my babies literally went to sleep and didn't wake up. I pray that could happen to me to, but that would be too kind. I fought for years, finally found my happiness in being a mom. I fought so damn hard to make this life good and I'm here being miserable every second while the people who destroyed me are out living their best lives. Not even giving one single shit. I used to think that living my best life was the perfect "revenge", but without my babies, I don't even have the strength to wash my hair. I have completely failed at life in every way possible. Being in mental health facilities made me worse and there are no programs for people like me. After my first son passed my motivation was to help people like me, and I was. If broken heart syndrome was real, I would be gone, easily, in a second. I know I'm a broken record however I suppose this is the only place I've found that I can talk about my pain and my wish to be with my babies, without being locked up. I hate the mental health system, they drug you up but don't help you, but tell you not to self medicate. Just make you rely on pills. I do not take any meds as I hate big pharm. I lost my home and am homeless from the place I rented for over a decade because of the stupid housing market and greedy landlords putting a single women and a baby out on their asses. I have nothing to live for, and now that I don't, it genuinely seems impossible to die. My fear of not being reunited with my babies is huge too. But I'm stuck. I can't take a step in any direction. I can't die and I can't live. This is my own personal hell. Thanks for listening or reading if you did. I know it's probably not much different from my other posts.

 

[noaccount]

hi I see you. fucking hell. :(

 

[mybabiesaregone]

hi I see you. fucking hell. :(

Thank you. Thank you

 

[SiroccoSousse]

Every pro-lifer needs to read this post. They need to realize that pretending like everyone in the world has an equal shot at being happy, or that everyone gets a happy ending just as long as you stick through to the end, is incredibly thoughtless and privileged. We like to think we're civilized but life can still be as savage now as it was hundreds of years ago. The extent of human suffering go far beyond what many people are comfortable imagining - I feel that those who do are the ones who realize that suicide is not so much this black-and-white tragic evil as it is a mercy to those who weren't privileged or lucky enough to fall into a nice comfortable life with others to support them. But I know I'm preaching to the choir here.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Love is what did it for me. Best advice? Never build up a man because once you have he will go and provide for a younger, prettier woman. Building up men is foolish as they will use you as the stepping stool. In my case, I had a man who came all prepared as he was, and he stole my heart, but then… crushed it. He abandoned me and led me to think we'd fall in love again and work on trying as a couple again. It destroyed me and four years later I'm still in pain. My health has declined and I'm traumatized and have lost all ability to love. I too just like you, have the man my all and he took it. My mental illness was a burden to him, despite the fact he said it never would be and took advantage of me believing that when he came in my life when I was already so scared and hurt… but he had no issue taking advantage of me and finding use for me in other ways. I'm hardly hanging on and I'm not able to live till thirty because I can't endure this pain. Love is actually one of the top reasons for suicide… it comes in second place as a main driver for why people kill themselves, so in terms of broken heart syndrome? It is real. I was formally diagnosed with it and have had severe heart issues ever since. It's a real thing and I'm what they consider a "long term" sufferer of it. I'm only 25, but have had my heart shut down multiple times because of the condition and it developed when I lost the love of my life… I have severe nausea and vomiting along with it, and it's horrid. Life won't get better for me, for you, or anyone like us. It only gets worse from here, and I feel you on the whole "they're living their best life" thing. The people who have harmed us are fucking celebrating, living it up, enjoying the fact they stole our strength and love. They knew what they were doing when they hurt us because trust me, hurt caused in these cases is no accident by any means. It's all very much intentional.
We are rotting in our existence as they thrive and they are thriving BECAUSE of us and what we did for them to be able to thrive. It's a fucked up world and the best thing to do is sometimes not be a part of such a fucked up world if you know it's hurting you

 

[Cronetappingout]

Here's why I think life is cruel. I've spent nearly 40 years trying to be a really good person. I help others to the point I have destroyed myself. I have always cared about other people more than I ever cared about myself. I rescue animals, domestic and wild, I take bugs outside rather than squishing them, I feed honey bees when they are tired in rainstorms so they can fly home, I cry for them if they pass away…I became broke because I believed in the good in everyone and would help them for free because I listened to their sob stories instead of running my business, men get in relationships with me until they "get better" and have drained me of all resources, I'm a total doormat and probably way too soft for this world. Not probably. I am. I must be or I wouldn't be here. I always thought love was the most beautiful thing and believed that it would win, that the cream rises to the top, that kind of shit. Now, here I am, praying literally day and night for God to take me away from this pain, as I can't even bear to squish a bug it's pretty safe to say it would be much nicer if it could just end and I was none the wiser. I've had boyfriends nearly kill me and I absolutely fought for my life. Tied to a chair, gun to my head, locked in a garage in the heat, ran off the road, dragged down the stairs, head smashed into concrete, I'm still here!! I wish I wouldn't have fought back now. A car wreck that could have killed me instantly if there was a difference of mere inches. Accidents with my line of work with large animals. Surgeries and being told I almost passed under anesthesia. The cruel irony though…The only reason I want to go…but a huge reason and it is not a fixable reason…Both my babies literally went to sleep and didn't wake up. I pray that could happen to me to, but that would be too kind. I fought for years, finally found my happiness in being a mom. I fought so damn hard to make this life good and I'm here being miserable every second while the people who destroyed me are out living their best lives. Not even giving one single shit. I used to think that living my best life was the perfect "revenge", but without my babies, I don't even have the strength to wash my hair. I have completely failed at life in every way possible. Being in mental health facilities made me worse and there are no programs for people like me. After my first son passed my motivation was to help people like me, and I was. If broken heart syndrome was real, I would be gone, easily, in a second. I know I'm a broken record however I suppose this is the only place I've found that I can talk about my pain and my wish to be with my babies, without being locked up. I hate the mental health system, they drug you up but don't help you, but tell you not to self medicate. Just make you rely on pills. I do not take any meds as I hate big pharm. I lost my home and am homeless from the place I rented for over a decade because of the stupid housing market and greedy landlords putting a single women and a baby out on their asses. I have nothing to live for, and now that I don't, it genuinely seems impossible to die. My fear of not being reunited with my babies is huge too. But I'm stuck. I can't take a step in any direction. I can't die and I can't live. This is my own personal hell. Thanks for listening or reading if you did. I know it's probably not much different from my other posts.

Hugs momma. I am sorry you are so deep in grief. My heart breaks for you.

 

[veryhappyhuman]

I've read some hard life histories here OP, but yours was definitely one of the hardest to read. It's absolutely horrible what you've been through in life, just so unfair. I offer you my virtual hugs. I really hope your life turns around in some way. This story definitely deserves a happy ending.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. You have suffered a horrendous life.

It's so sad. It's very difficult to change who we are and how we see ourselves. Sometimes, I do wonder whether those of us with placid nature's just attract people who want to walk all over us and abuse us. I admire you for caring so much about others but I hope you are able to start putting yourself first. Sadly, I'm afraid no-one else will.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you are able to find peace, whatever your decision.

 

[DreamSurfer]

This hurt to read. Very sad and sorry that the things in life have been so very hard on you. Just want to say thank you, for all of the kind and heartfelt things that you have done throughout your life. It seems that evil will always find those that seek to try and do their best to do good for the world.

I hope that peace and an ease of the burdens that weigh so heavy, finds it's way to you!

 

[Astral Storm]

Gosh, this sounds so heartbreaking. You sound like a truly good person. You don't deserve this amount of terrible pain. It's so noble and beautiful that you care so much about others.

The fact that this happened to you proves that this world is just so horrible in everyway. It's horrendous and cruel but this is what life is. Good things will happen to bad people and bad things will happen to good people.

It's one of the reasons I hate this world. Injustice, cruelty and violence just keeps happening nonstop. I have such anger for this whole universe. I really wish that no one would suffer but it will never happen. I just want to leave from this sick place. I am truly sorry for you. What happened to you is horrifying.

 

[gimzero]

I agree and if you alone with chronic illness is a nightmere.

 

[Euthanza]

Rational suicide, neither I don't understand why life can be so cruel

 

[hellispink]

As an empath myself too, I understand your pain deeply. We are always helping others so they don't drown but no one really tries to save us. It is like we are not enough for anyone. We are way too good this cruel ungrateful and selfish world. In my case, helping and being empathetic has only given me as a result = being used and mistreated. I have never felt weaker and unfitting. I am soon to be gone. I can't be a different person of what I am. I better retire myself with dignity. I hear you. Sending you best wishes in whatever decision you take.

 

[notocarpediem]

I'm sad to hear you're in so much pain. You sound like a very kind person who has unfairly suffered.

 

[brokensea]

I really relate to you OP. There seems to be no justice from any god for the kindest people. They meet the most unsavory types of people who take advantage and hurt them. I have so much pain and loss surrounding a child and my last chance to get pregnant I was mentally tortured and stringed along by someone who abandoned me and at my age I likely will never have children now. Never have a family or normal life like I wanted as a child. I have done so much for others and god has no mercy for me to take away the last of my dreams. I try to reach out for help and am kicked in the teeth and lied to again. The best of us suffer the most. And you don't expect things in return but absolute cruelty because of a kind heart that maybe can't see the red flags of crappy people early on is no reason to be tormented in this life. To have no peace or love. I can't really barely get out of bed or leave my house anymore. Kindness is exploited in this world and feels wasted. Your love inside you has nowhere to go but just dies and rips pieces from your soul and you suffer for all the love you gave until you have nothing and so much pain and no help. Life just gets worse and worse and it feels nothing in this world cares for you. And the only thing is it is nice being here in this group because people can understand here more than anyone. The ones lost that the world left behind.

 

[chronicallybroken]

I really relate to you OP. There seems to be no justice from any god for the kindest people. They meet the most unsavory types of people who take advantage and hurt them. I have so much pain and loss surrounding a child and my last chance to get pregnant I was mentally tortured and stringed along by someone who abandoned me and at my age I likely will never have children now. Never have a family or normal life like I wanted as a child. I have done so much for others and god has no mercy for me to take away the last of my dreams. I try to reach out for help and am kicked in the teeth and lied to again. The best of us suffer the most. And you don't expect things in return but absolute cruelty because of a kind heart that maybe can't see the red flags of crappy people early on is no reason to be tormented in this life. To have no peace or love. I can't really barely get out of bed or leave my house anymore. Kindness is exploited in this world and feels wasted. Your love inside you has nowhere to go but just dies and rips pieces from your soul and you suffer for all the love you gave until you have nothing and so much pain and no help. Life just gets worse and worse and it feels nothing in this world cares for you. And the only thing is it is nice being here in this group because people can understand here more than anyone. The ones lost that the world left behind.

Beautiful words and sadly very relatable. I'm sorry for everything we've gone through.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life certainly is so cruel and unfair and I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation. It sounds like you have been through so much and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be. It's horrifying how people have to endure so much suffering. Best wishes.