As of typing this, I am filled to the brim with disgust for life and pretty much all of existence. Just because some people are capable of happiness and fulfillment doesn't mean that they can rightfully neglect the fact that horror is taking place in this world right now and always! It never ceases to exist nor will it as long as sentience exists. It's pretty difficult to see the world in a positive light when there is always a chance for extreme suffering. Whether the majority of people who I know like to think of it differently or not makes no difference to me.
It seems as though everything that feels good exists on extremely shaky ground that usually also happens to be composed of other creature's suffering. Life fucking sucks when you see bleakness and torment in everything, even the most mundane things. Just because I experience severe mental illness doesn't mean that I have an inaccurate view of the world either. I think it is incredibly dismissive to deny that there is a horrible truth in the mindset and outlook of someone who experienced years of depression from a young age.
This truth exists no matter what, and I acknowledge that there are good things in this world but unfortunately I couldn't grasp them if I tried, and trust me, I have spent years trying to clutch onto well being. That being said, I have given up all hope in the last year or two, or was it longer ago? I've experienced plenty of dying sparks in which I gave recovery my most genuine shot, only to have that minuscule particle of hope destroyed each and every time. What a disgusting reality.
As per usual, I have no idea where I'm going with this rant but what I do know is that I was placed on this planet solely to suffer and bring meaning to the lives of those who spawned me. I understand that they saw it differently and couldn't have known that I would come out ending up this way but damn it, how am I supposed to feel? I'm honestly watching what I say on here just in case my parents ever somehow find this account. I'd hope they wouldn't snoop but I can't be too sure as I'll be gone. I'm trying not to be repetitive or ramble too incoherently but am just so scattered and agitated.
Today is one of those days where I just feel like destroying myself more than usual. I miss cutting so much honestly even though it doesn't do as much for me as I'd like. The scars on my body are some of the only true evidence to the pain that I've endured and for that, I am glad. Sure, maybe it could be considered juvenile for me to romanticize self harm but whatever, I have bigger issues right now such as the fact that this life is torture.
It seems as though everything that feels good exists on extremely shaky ground that usually also happens to be composed of other creature's suffering. Life fucking sucks when you see bleakness and torment in everything, even the most mundane things. Just because I experience severe mental illness doesn't mean that I have an inaccurate view of the world either. I think it is incredibly dismissive to deny that there is a horrible truth in the mindset and outlook of someone who experienced years of depression from a young age.
This truth exists no matter what, and I acknowledge that there are good things in this world but unfortunately I couldn't grasp them if I tried, and trust me, I have spent years trying to clutch onto well being. That being said, I have given up all hope in the last year or two, or was it longer ago? I've experienced plenty of dying sparks in which I gave recovery my most genuine shot, only to have that minuscule particle of hope destroyed each and every time. What a disgusting reality.
As per usual, I have no idea where I'm going with this rant but what I do know is that I was placed on this planet solely to suffer and bring meaning to the lives of those who spawned me. I understand that they saw it differently and couldn't have known that I would come out ending up this way but damn it, how am I supposed to feel? I'm honestly watching what I say on here just in case my parents ever somehow find this account. I'd hope they wouldn't snoop but I can't be too sure as I'll be gone. I'm trying not to be repetitive or ramble too incoherently but am just so scattered and agitated.
Today is one of those days where I just feel like destroying myself more than usual. I miss cutting so much honestly even though it doesn't do as much for me as I'd like. The scars on my body are some of the only true evidence to the pain that I've endured and for that, I am glad. Sure, maybe it could be considered juvenile for me to romanticize self harm but whatever, I have bigger issues right now such as the fact that this life is torture.
