Venting Life doesn't care what you do. Nihilpilled

[Archness]

Recently, I've become so blackpilled, outright Nihilpilled.

Mother has always been trying to be healthy, but she's just getting old, and now has the same condition farther has, it's genetic, I'll probably have it, mother, and everyone says I should just think about it constantly. But, how could I truly care? Maybe a little, but as I saw, effort very quickly reaches diminishing returns.

How can I believe I can do anything when all the evidence, all my experience goes to the contrary? When sometimes, so easily, life doesn't care at all what you want, what you need, what you do.

Why should I just postpone these issues that WILL come... just to face them latter? Would I even live that long, should I, because more and more it seems that suicide is a clear choice to have, and take, just being out of "Youth", I guess 30's at least. Because at the end of the day, what's there to even live for? What's so good about a long life when you WILL get old, WILL suffer, and WILL die anyway. Is it to "Build Character"? Is it to "Develop my soul" so some "god" can sluuurp it up real good? Is it just to reproduce all my problems into another person who'll still suffer and die and will likely fail to reproduce similarly to me?

But maybe I shouldn't even ask the question, when I probably lack the ability find someone and make a baby with them. Heck, other then just surviving, maybe, I can't do much of anything.

But maybe I should think about the bigger picture :

. . .

Am I here, just to watch the world fall apart, in full understanding of it?

 

[Michelstaedter]

I've had the "black pill" of nihilism in my system for a long time. I know this because I've always doubted God, doubted the value of existence, even doubted my feelings or the relationships forged outside of my family, which, in fact, aren't so bad despite everything.
As time went on, I realized that nothing has real value beyond what you want to give it, that money is a fucking piece of paper, and "virtual" money is even worse, because people kill, kidnap, and do "bad" things for that stupid value called money, just for the feeling of dominating others.

Sometimes I still wish I had children, to "plant the seed" of hope in them, that they might be what I wasn't, that they might be something better than me (the bar is very low). And well, in part, it's nature to reproduce, because my damned addiction to porn and fapping has been that signal that, in the face of depression, I seek in the "death drive," to find the path to life and leave a mark through other living beings. Anyway, to be honest, all of that stuff I just said is crazy, stupid, but anyway, I've been consumed by nihilism and today I'm waiting for that "bus," just like you (or maybe a train, I've always liked those) to leave this meaningless world.