Life does not get better (An update/vent)

[notmyusername]

Last time I posted here was February I think...
To make a long story short, my life has gotten a billion times harder than it was before because I am homeless now. That is where trying to escape your mind gets you if you aren't smart or careful about it. Honestly, I could be worse off.

All I can think sometimes is that life is fucking insane and I truly can't grasp it. Humans are so weird. I just have no idea what functioning human beings are like. Do they even exist? Every homeless person here at the shelter has gone through something clearly, and I've heard it. It is hard to believe there is anything other than dysfunctional people out there when you are surrounded by it and always have been. Life literally feels like an episode of Bojack Horseman.

I hear about drugs more now than I have ever in my entire life, and I get it. Life is a little bit better when you're high. At least to me. As long as people aren't judging you for it. What have I become?

I wanted to remain celibate for life. For my own reasons. But no. I met a homeless guy, and he's sweet and a wonderful person. I get high and I blow him. Again, what have I become? Nothing against this dude at all, because we're dating. It just somehow happened and it hurts my brain so much.

I just wanted a normal life. I wish every child was loved unconditionally and treated as human beings with respect. I didn't want to be like my bio mother, too preoccupied by sex and men to give a fuck about her kids. It was the reason I wanted to never go down that path and I did. I may not have kids yet, but I feel like I already fucked up as a parent by being like my mother in the slightest way. I am truly a hopeless case.

I had such an aversion to sex. I was sexually abused as a kid. Why did I just start doing sexual things? Why did I start smoking? What happened to me?

This probably doesn't make any sense to whoever is reading this. But you're witnessing a weak, disgusting, sad excuse of a human be broken way too easily. It was way to easy for me to just throw my values out the window.

 

[BoneWeary57]

It sounds like from a young, formiable age you were told, at least by the actions of the adults around you, that you were of little to no value so the fact your struggle with boundaries/valuing yourself now is not surprising. BUT, YOU are not the one who failed you - it was the selfish, damaged adults around you - your mother mainly - so the blame, at least initally, is alllll on her.

That being said, there comes a point when we can't blame others for where were are in life..not our parents, partners, bosses, friends, etc. There comes a time that its all on us. You are not disgusting or weak, you are broken and, it sounds like, from a young age, not taught self love, etc so its understandable you struggle and surround yourself w/people who struggle as well. There is comfort in that while at the same time wanting to get away from it. I am where I am in life because of choices I made and didn't make - yes, they were based out of experiences that happened to me but as time had gone on I realize whether I chose to make more or less of my life, to clean up the clutter, is 100% my responsibility. Do I have the interest or mental strength right now? No. But someday, like you, I may.

You are not a hopeless case..you are hurt, you are lost and wounded. You ARE vaulable..you have faced some life lessons that give you a unique perspective and there is lies your strength. I hope someday you can see that.

 

[Hellish Ore]

I feel like the idea of getting better is just a fucking illusion, and the thing is, we all fall for it.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Be careful, sometimes predators prey on the vulnerable, and can see you a mile off. Just because he is also homeless, it doesn't mean he is not one. Especially if you're doing things you wouldn't normally. I have been there before.

They see the vulnerability in you, and they appear soooo sweet, and 'similar' to you, at first.

I say this because you said 'it just happened' and you didn't want it to, as I have not with every relationship I've had. But, these people MAKE it happen. Relationships don't tend to just happen, there's a build up to it, but we're not talking about normal circumstances here.

There is a term called fawning, which is a form of people pleasing, and you're not aware you're actually doing it. Essentially, it means you do things, to make someone happy/because you're scared there may be consequences - even if there may actually not be - your brain tells you this, because of trauma. Particularly sexual abuse.

I know this because I was also sexually abused, and I do this, although working on it, and I didn't know it was a thing until last year in therapy. And it makes sense. I do this in with only romantic partners that have 'just happened' - even though I didn't want it.

In terms of your homelessness, I am so sorry. What's the next step, will you be offered accommodation somewhere? I really hope you will find somewhere to go.

At least you can talk to us on here

P.S I hope I didn't make an assumption, I sincerely apologise if I did - I said the above, to try and help, and so you know you're not alone in making unusual decisions - there's a reason for it (trauma), which includes drugs etc. I've done things I never thought I would in a MILLION YEARS.