Venting Life crumbling away, piece by piece.

[TheAntithesis]

One year ago, I had:
-Moved out of my extremely verbally and physically abusive father's house into my mother's who I restored my bond with after not talking to her for over a decade due to the aftershock of our family's divorce
-Quit my dead end job that I carried on my back that was full of emotionally manipulative, unstable addicts.
-Saved up an exorbitant amount of money through working as much as I could and spending as little as possible
-Been happier than ever
-My body was fit and healthy
-Met the genuine love of my life who coaxed me out of my fear of abandonment, who stayed by my side despite me pushing him away dozens of times
-Traveled the world with this lover, seeing the tallest heights and the most stunning views
-Was a light of positivity and happiness in whatever community, be it online or irl that I happened to be a part of
-No desire to drink, and would hardly smoke weed

Today, and for the past 6 months, I have:
-Been dumped by this lover, sending me mentally spiraling into complete psychotic collapse after my fear of abandonment and paranoia crept up on me like a weed, and I slowly self-sabotaged and ruined our relationship
-Discovered that I've been suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) for a very long time, and haven't realized it until after I've pushed the majority of people I cared about away from me, and made the rest pity or fear me
-Completely fallen to alcohol and marijuana addiction, as well as Kratom, almost benzos but I can no longer get my hands on them (A pity, I heard they're amazing at reducing SI.)
-My hair is falling out from stress and other complications, the only thing that I think makes me attractive or stand out from others
-Tried to CTB in my room, ended up in the ER with the doctor claiming I was passed out in my car on the side of the road (Slapped me with a DUI)
-Almost no money left, spent what's last of it on a good lawyer to hopefully get the charges lessened or dropped. (My court date is on the 1st)
-Have tried to CTB about 4 times in the past month through this hotel that's about an hour away from me, I'll book a room with the highest floor, go out on the balcony and experiment with alcohol, marijuana, and kratom to see what combination will finally kill my SI and bring me over the edge, to no avail. I'm going to try again in a couple days.
-Lost my first job due to my mental instability and failure to show up or keep a positive attitude
-Lost my second job due to my clumsiness and breaking of merchandise (this was today)
-Lost a ton of weight from stress and general lack of appetite

Everything, day by day, is crumbling away. I want to CTB before my court date, because I know once the hammer falls, once the book is thrown at me, I'll lose my car, and I'll lose what's left of my money, I'll lose where I live, and I'll lose the freedom I have of making this choice to do so. I look at the days leading up to this moment as my only chance of escape. Should I fail one more time, I'm consigning myself to this empty, worthless existence that will continue to get worse, day by day.

It feels like, ever since my breakup, the first time I went to that hotel, I really did jump, and this is some awful purgatory where it just keeps getting worse, and I have to get out before it continues to. I look back on my life, and see meaning, and purpose, and overarching symbolism that was showing me what path I had to go down, and what path I had to avoid. There was grace, there was some outside force guiding me down my life. Its hard to explain, but it felt like my life had a purpose, and everything I did was connected in a symbolic way.

Now there is nothing. Its a void, its a void that continues to suck away at everything I had built, and will continue to do so until I'm left with nothing, and no one. I want to escape. I need to, I have to. Time is running out, the window of opportunity is closing. I want to sit on the balcony one last time, and smile as I look back on the life I had lived, and accept that its over, and die knowing that the book has been closed.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

One year ago, I had:
-Moved out of my extremely verbally and physically abusive father's house into my mother's who I restored my bond with after not talking to her for over a decade due to the aftershock of our family's divorce
-Quit my dead end job that I carried on my back that was full of emotionally manipulative, unstable addicts.
-Saved up an exorbitant amount of money through working as much as I could and spending as little as possible
-Been happier than ever
-My body was fit and healthy
-Met the genuine love of my life who coaxed me out of my fear of abandonment, who stayed by my side despite me pushing him away dozens of times
-Traveled the world with this lover, seeing the tallest heights and the most stunning views
-Was a light of positivity and happiness in whatever community, be it online or irl that I happened to be a part of
-No desire to drink, and would hardly smoke weed

Today, and for the past 6 months, I have:
-Been dumped by this lover, sending me mentally spiraling into complete psychotic collapse after my fear of abandonment and paranoia crept up on me like a weed, and I slowly self-sabotaged and ruined our relationship
-Discovered that I've been suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) for a very long time, and haven't realized it until after I've pushed the majority of people I cared about away from me, and made the rest pity or fear me
-Completely fallen to alcohol and marijuana addiction, as well as Kratom, almost benzos but I can no longer get my hands on them (A pity, I heard they're amazing at reducing SI.)
-My hair is falling out from stress and other complications, the only thing that I think makes me attractive or stand out from others
-Tried to CTB in my room, ended up in the ER with the doctor claiming I was passed out in my car on the side of the road (Slapped me with a DUI)
-Almost no money left, spent what's last of it on a good lawyer to hopefully get the charges lessened or dropped. (My court date is on the 1st)
-Have tried to CTB about 4 times in the past month through this hotel that's about an hour away from me, I'll book a room with the highest floor, go out on the balcony and experiment with alcohol, marijuana, and kratom to see what combination will finally kill my SI and bring me over the edge, to no avail. I'm going to try again in a couple days.
-Lost my first job due to my mental instability and failure to show up or keep a positive attitude
-Lost my second job due to my clumsiness and breaking of merchandise (this was today)
-Lost a ton of weight from stress and general lack of appetite

Everything, day by day, is crumbling away. I want to CTB before my court date, because I know once the hammer falls, once the book is thrown at me, I'll lose my car, and I'll lose what's left of my money, I'll lose where I live, and I'll lose the freedom I have of making this choice to do so. I look at the days leading up to this moment as my only chance of escape. Should I fail one more time, I'm consigning myself to this empty, worthless existence that will continue to get worse, day by day.

It feels like, ever since my breakup, the first time I went to that hotel, I really did jump, and this is some awful purgatory where it just keeps getting worse, and I have to get out before it continues to. I look back on my life, and see meaning, and purpose, and overarching symbolism that was showing me what path I had to go down, and what path I had to avoid. There was grace, there was some outside force guiding me down my life. Its hard to explain, but it felt like my life had a purpose, and everything I did was connected in a symbolic way.

Now there is nothing. Its a void, its a void that continues to suck away at everything I had built, and will continue to do so until I'm left with nothing, and no one. I want to escape. I need to, I have to. Time is running out, the window of opportunity is closing. I want to sit on the balcony one last time, and smile as I look back on the life I had lived, and accept that its over, and die knowing that the book has been closed.

Hello @TheAntithesis,
Your situation seems to be really hopeless.
Your life is falling to pieces.
With your story, I was left speechless.

I could say, I would be all ears,
There are people who care,
Or it's totally unfair.
But you might have heard them for years.

People might say, give up your vice,
But I know it's not that plain.
Sorry, I don't have any useful input or advice.
The only thing I can do is to pray.

Sorry to be useless but my heart is crying and produced this pseudo-poem.
I hope other people give you valuable input.
God, please stop this torture if you exist

 

[TheAntithesis]

Hello @TheAntithesis,
Your situation seems to be really hopeless.
Your life is falling to pieces.
With your story, I was left speechless.

I could say, I would be all ears,
There are people who care,
Or it's totally unfair.
But you might have heard them for years.

People might say, give up your vice,
But I know it's not that plain.
Sorry, I don't have any useful input or advice.
The only thing I can do is to pray.

Sorry to be useless but my heart is crying and produced this pseudo-poem.
I hope other people give you valuable input.
God, please stop this torture if you exist

I love poetry, and I love what you've put together for me. Thank you for this, I hope we can both take control of our own fate, and deny the world two more toys to inflict pain on.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I love poetry, and I love what you've put together for me. Thank you for this, I hope we can both take control of our own fate, and deny the world two more toys to inflict pain on.

Thanks so much, I hope we can recover or find peace, too

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, I find it so horrible how we exist in a world where existing here can very easily get much more unbearable, I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering,

 

[ikadasui]

I hope you can get a moments respite. No words need be said since your tale is so painful.

 

[brokensea]

My friend had a DUI. He just had to take some classes and pay a fine and he can drive again.

You sound overwhelmed and in crisis. It seems you have been capable of feeling happiness before in your life. There's a chance you can feel that way again. I would talk to a crisis counselor and take a little time to think things over and not react to circumstances. Some people want to die and some people just don't want to feel the pain they're in because it's far too much during a series of bad events.

You are thinking the worst case scenario about court, not finding any future better partner, never getting treatment, never getting a new job in time. Those things can be fixed.

You cant go back from death so I would seek a crisis counselor. Be sure this is what you want to do and not a reaction to overwhelming events.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

This sounds awful. I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much in a short time.