kurisutinabestgirl
Kurisu is best girl
- Oct 14, 2021
- 83
Hello dear Sanctioned Suicide community! I was an avid member of the forum a few years ago, very close to making the leap towards CTB, but by some miracle I continued fighting, and it was very rewarding at first.
I've been dealing with health issues despite my young age, but a bit after I quit I managed to keep going to the gym, and actually start looking the way I wanted to! It felt amazing. I loved it.
Too bad. My health issues caught up. Finally they were diagnosed, and turns out I will never be able to properly lift again due to nerve problems. I also managed to score a hernia :') so uh well, one of my favorite hobbies keeping me alive is gone I guess.
Later, despite this, I managed to get into my first relationship with a girl I love dearly. We're still together doing well, this is right now my biggest living force. The biggest thing that got us together was our shared love for food, and for that reason I learned how to cook, cooking became my new favorite hobby after being robbed of the opportunity of sports.
Alas, that has finally been taken away too. I developed chronic gut problems, again, despite being very young :'), so there goes cooking and eating anything enjoyable. Gotta live on rice and potatoes and pain chicken now, and still be in chronic pain haha.
I find myself in a very difficult situation. In these past years, I have been blessed by finding love, I will acknowledge that I am very lucky here. But outside that, everything that was important to me has been robbed from me due to health issues. I always feared this. That my health will just continue to deteriorate with the years, and slowly seize everything from me overtime. This fear has so far been very justified. I am scared. I was doing mentally better. I was improving. I was less suicidal. I actually tried giving life a chance. But, if I do want to go on, then I have to accept the reality of my situation, that I must conform to chronic debilitating pain, which keeps me from enjoying the things I used to enjoy.
I honestly after a really long time finally felt like I didn't want to die again. And now I'm here. The only rationale that I can see to me to continue is my partner. I can't do this to her. But unfortunately, We are of very different backgrounds, and she will have to move away from my country in two years. I can't follow her. I don't know what I'm going to do then. I guess the choice will be easier.
It's still, a very difficult choice. I don't truly want to die. I want to see the people I love, I want to see them happy, I want to see them grow with me. But, for that choice I must sacrifice my own well being. I would have to accept a life of fear, pain, and disabilities and limitation. I don't know if I am strong enough to make that sacrifice.
And alas, I am back, where I started from. I still want to see where life takes me in these two years at least, but ultimately, I am facing a very difficult next two years, very hopeless ones at that. I will have to suffer until the day comes when rationality finally takes over me, and I choose the rational option, and that is to not put myself through all this suffering. My hands are forced. It's sad.
If anyone actually read through my rant thank you lol, I wish I could've came back saying how life gets better, but as we all know here, that is unfortunately a childlike fantasy. Life is more cruel than that.
I've been dealing with health issues despite my young age, but a bit after I quit I managed to keep going to the gym, and actually start looking the way I wanted to! It felt amazing. I loved it.
Too bad. My health issues caught up. Finally they were diagnosed, and turns out I will never be able to properly lift again due to nerve problems. I also managed to score a hernia :') so uh well, one of my favorite hobbies keeping me alive is gone I guess.
Later, despite this, I managed to get into my first relationship with a girl I love dearly. We're still together doing well, this is right now my biggest living force. The biggest thing that got us together was our shared love for food, and for that reason I learned how to cook, cooking became my new favorite hobby after being robbed of the opportunity of sports.
Alas, that has finally been taken away too. I developed chronic gut problems, again, despite being very young :'), so there goes cooking and eating anything enjoyable. Gotta live on rice and potatoes and pain chicken now, and still be in chronic pain haha.
I find myself in a very difficult situation. In these past years, I have been blessed by finding love, I will acknowledge that I am very lucky here. But outside that, everything that was important to me has been robbed from me due to health issues. I always feared this. That my health will just continue to deteriorate with the years, and slowly seize everything from me overtime. This fear has so far been very justified. I am scared. I was doing mentally better. I was improving. I was less suicidal. I actually tried giving life a chance. But, if I do want to go on, then I have to accept the reality of my situation, that I must conform to chronic debilitating pain, which keeps me from enjoying the things I used to enjoy.
I honestly after a really long time finally felt like I didn't want to die again. And now I'm here. The only rationale that I can see to me to continue is my partner. I can't do this to her. But unfortunately, We are of very different backgrounds, and she will have to move away from my country in two years. I can't follow her. I don't know what I'm going to do then. I guess the choice will be easier.
It's still, a very difficult choice. I don't truly want to die. I want to see the people I love, I want to see them happy, I want to see them grow with me. But, for that choice I must sacrifice my own well being. I would have to accept a life of fear, pain, and disabilities and limitation. I don't know if I am strong enough to make that sacrifice.
And alas, I am back, where I started from. I still want to see where life takes me in these two years at least, but ultimately, I am facing a very difficult next two years, very hopeless ones at that. I will have to suffer until the day comes when rationality finally takes over me, and I choose the rational option, and that is to not put myself through all this suffering. My hands are forced. It's sad.
If anyone actually read through my rant thank you lol, I wish I could've came back saying how life gets better, but as we all know here, that is unfortunately a childlike fantasy. Life is more cruel than that.
