This grief changed me. The sadness changed me. The anger changed me. The guilt hunting me. I'm no longer the person I was. I can't recognize myself. I question how I'm still alive without you my gorgeous beautiful child my handsome young man. Nothing is normal in my life anymore. Normal left earth with you. Happiness left with you. I cry when I remember you. I cry when I wake up in the morning without you. I cry when I'm driving to work, I cry when I go my lunch time, I cry when I'm going home because my home with you. I cry under the shower so none can hear me. I use eye classes now. I wear black. I donated all my clothes along with yours. I died too. The table is empty we don't even sit on the table anymore. Your dog hunter didn't give up, he still wait by the window every evening waiting for you to come home. Your brother and sister watching me dying every night. Your sister Emily asked me yesterday "what's wrong mommy?" Im falling a part. I'm dead I'm not alive. Your gaming computer, your headphones your gaming chair are just memories burns my heart every time I go to your room. If I upset you I never meant to. If I didn't see you depressed it's because I just didn't know. Please forgive me my beautiful angel. if I didn't see you're struggle it's because I didn't know. Wherever you are and I know you're at peace I know you're in a better place, know that I love I loved you and will continue to love you even more until my last breath. Hopefully we meet soon. I'm so lost your brother and sister need me or should I just leave but how is that fair to them. It's not fair so I don't know what to do. Live with this pain until I die or kill myself and end this pain? I love you & miss you so much.
Makoto
Look into my eyes and tell me who I really am
- Jun 20, 2024
- 39
I know this is personal and I shouldn't get involved.... but. You have a son and a daughter, please... don't leave them without a mother. They don't deserve it.
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 167
I'm trying every minute not to do that. I'm in pain that I do not wish for my enemy. I just took Tylenol pm to help me sleep
Makoto
Look into my eyes and tell me who I really am
- Jun 20, 2024
- 39
Honestly, your letter kept me in tears for a while... I read it several times. I am truly sorry for everything that is happening to you. I'm sorry you're going through that, no one should ever go through something like that.
You must be a very strong person.
I don't use this forum much. But if you want to talk you can write to me privately.
Love and strength
Thank you so much! I willHonestly, your letter kept me in tears for a while... I read it several times. I am truly sorry for everything that is happening to you. I'm sorry you're going through that, no one should ever go through something like that.
You must be a very strong person.
I don't use this forum much. But if you want to talk you can write to me privately.
Love and strength
My Mum passed away when I was very young , it has tormented me for 37 years . Your other children will be forever changed if you decide to CTB.
Even if you don't feel like a good parent at the moment , just being there is enough - trust me.
Even if you don't feel like a good parent at the moment , just being there is enough - trust me.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! Appreciate your support and I'm having some thoughts about getting help and it's because of you guys here: Amazing people ever!
vinlander
cut so deep that i feel nothing
- Aug 28, 2024
- 20
I now finished reading this for the 4th time. You must be a very strong person, i'm very sorry about everything you are going through right now, and i genuinely wish the very best for you.
Please trust me and anyone on this forum when we say that you should seek professional help and not depend exclusively on medication, don't minimize yourself because of a mistake, just make sure it doesn't happen twice, as you have 2 loving babies!
i'm much younger than you and i have no right in teaching you how to raise your own children, but if i had to give you a tip it would be: Be there.
The same love hormones that were released instantly after giving birth to your 3 children continue to be released every day by your brain when you are around them, even if slowly it can start to heal you mentally, instead of shame and regret, honor him instead.
Wow! Reading this gave me hope. Even tho you're younger I learned something from you! To be there. I thought I was; giving food shelter, clothes, etc are not everything. I never was there and my son suffered god knows how much pain he lived with and I had no clue!
Lost Magic
Illuminated
- May 5, 2020
- 3,037
I am sorry to hear about your late son. You mention that he had depression. I can relate to that. His loss is deeply sad, but I believe he is in a better place now. He is away from the pains of this world and the cruelty of mental illness. His memory and spirit live on and will always be with you. You will see him again, but right now you need to be there for your other kids. They need their mother. Try to be strong for them and be strong for yourself. My prayers are with you. Bless you and your family. 
Thank you so much my friend! I do believe the same that he's in a better place! I can't wait to see him again. I'll do anything to just hear his beautiful voice. Appreciate your support and prayers!I am sorry to hear about your late son. You mention that he had depression. I can relate to that. His loss is deeply sad, but I believe he is in a better place now. He is away from the pains of this world and the cruelty of mental illness. His memory and spirit live on and will always be with you. You will see him again, but right now you need to be there for your other kids. They need their mother. Try to be strong for them and be strong for yourself. My prayers are with you. Bless you and your family.
uglyugly
Member
- Aug 24, 2024
- 42
I am crying reading this. I am so, so, so, so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even begin to imagine. What a beautiful letter to him.
I am not comparing my loss to yours and please excuse me if this is not appropriate to say. When I lost my mom, a book called It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine really helped me. When I say "helped" I mean it made me feel so not alone in my grief. It wasn't filled with platitudes or other unwanted stuff, it was just a voice to let me know grieving was ok, and how I grieved was ok. I needed that.
Again, I am so sorry.
I am not comparing my loss to yours and please excuse me if this is not appropriate to say. When I lost my mom, a book called It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine really helped me. When I say "helped" I mean it made me feel so not alone in my grief. It wasn't filled with platitudes or other unwanted stuff, it was just a voice to let me know grieving was ok, and how I grieved was ok. I needed that.
Again, I am so sorry.
Thank you so much @uglyugly I'm sorry for your loss too! i heard about " it's ok to be not ok" actually my psychiatrist told me that. Appreciate your sharing your experience. Losing loved ones hurt regardless and lost my mom too and I was grieving but not close to this type of grieve. I think suicide grieve is the worse. When someone die naturally you will accept after a while and move on but when they killed themselves due to pain and struggle, you will spend every second thinking about "what did I do or say wrong?" Or " how I didn't see this coming?" which as a mom I was suppose to protect my child. I am not okay and will never be. Since my son died I feel nothing matters anymore. I have 2 other beautiful children they go to his room and they always say his name and it's killing me.I am crying reading this. I am so, so, so, so sorry for the loss of your son. I can't even begin to imagine. What a beautiful letter to him.
I am not comparing my loss to yours and please excuse me if this is not appropriate to say. When I lost my mom, a book called It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine really helped me. When I say "helped" I mean it made me feel so not alone in my grief. It wasn't filled with platitudes or other unwanted stuff, it was just a voice to let me know grieving was ok, and how I grieved was ok. I needed that.
Again, I am so sorry.
No one can understand the depth of your pain. Im sorry for the pain in your life and the ambivalent confusion that also pains you. I love you stranger. I hope peace enters your life-one way or another. I hope this pain eventually serves a purpose in your life, or that you're freed from it on your terms. No words really apply here. Feel free to reach out if you just need to chat or vent.
Appreciate you @buoy love you from the other side! Thank you so much for your support and beautiful prayers I need them. Going through this pain is taking life out of me. I never thought I will be able to live without any of my children but here I am 7 months without my son just crying and venting but still breathing! I feel guilty for breathing …
Getting help is one of The hardest things to do
, never managed myself . I also have two kids and my aim is to show them that even though I can't be free from depression and suicidal thoughts that some people can and some people Can enjoy life .
Once they are old enough and once they no longer need me , it will be my time.
opheliaoveragain
Eating Disordered Junkie
- Jun 2, 2024
- 508
Please, for your remaining children, try, even if it's only one more time. Your boy would want you around for his siblings. This had me crying too because I feel you, loss is all encompassing and it does truly feel like youre dying. But the love your other children have for you has the potential to bring you back to life if you let it. I swear, I never write things like this on here because of how strongly I believe in autonomy but my empathy muscle won this time. Your choice is forever and always your own, open to convo if you ever want to talk<3 sending love.
gloomie
grieving
- Aug 23, 2024
- 8
it takes incredible strength to continue living with so much grief. i hope you know that. i understand it's not my place, but your children need you. i would be completely lost without my own mother; you're the only person in their lives who will love them unconditionally and forever. please stay for them.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I thought about that too, to wait until they at least 18 or I may just die naturally from god. I do believe you're a great mom and they are lucky to have you
It's your place and I consider you my friend. Thank you so much for this beautiful support I'm considering getting help and see how us that goes!! Appreciate you
Thank you so much my friend! I can't even remember writing it it's like everything come out of me automatically the way I feel my pain my lost soul. The day I lost my son I lost myself too I just didn't have funeral. I'm trying to stay longer for my other two children hopefully I can I'm trying!!
Last edited:
opheliaoveragain
Eating Disordered Junkie
- Jun 2, 2024
- 508
Please feel free to reach out if you need support<3 we are here for you. I completely understand what you mean, OP. Sometimes the words just come because they've been playing on a loop within our feelings and thoughts, and it's really healthy to get them out there, no matter how. I hope it's cathartic in some way, we all recognize the immense pain most of us cannot imagine having to live through and still be there for the other two. You are an extremely fuckin strong woman, and mothers like you, who want to try despite life circumstances helps heal a lot of us, simply by you existing and talking to us. We care, people are here for you, don't forget that<3 May you find peace at the end of this feeling, whether that is by staying or making the choice to go on your own terms. It is always an option, the resources are always here for you.Thank you so much for sharing your story! I thought about that too, to wait until they at least 18 or I may just die naturally from god. I do believe you're a great mom and they are lucky to have you
It's your place and I consider you my friend. Thank you so much for this beautiful support I'm considering getting help and see how us that goes!! Appreciate you
Thank you so much my friend! I can't even remember writing it it's like everything come out of me automatically the way I feel my pain my lost soul. The day I lost my son I lost myself too I just didn't have funeral. I'm trying to stay longer for my other two children hopefully I can I'm trying!!
Also to every other users that rallied around this post, much love. It goes to show that this isn't the echo chamber of CTB encouragement they want to make it out to be in the media.
Last edited:
Appreciate your honesty! I'm like a rolling coaster right now I'm not sure when I'm going to stop.. I'm trying to survive each day without my son but I don't know when the pain comes at once and then I'll prob just end it. It comes in waves sometimes I'm calm and other times I'm determined. Thank you so much
