Venting less than a month left

[tchaik18401893]

today i ate so much i feel like a slob. and my grades are so bad.
im not even trying and i am disappointing everybody.
i want to submerge my head underwater until my heart stops beating. i feel so so pathetic i really just want to hug somebody and weep for hours. i want to be happy but i feel i deserve to be sad. I want to die.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

This might just be my perspective on things, but you currently being alive, despite wanting to die, is you trying, is it not? Living in the world as it is right now is already enough to exhaust many people, so the fact that you're persisting is already a sign that you're putting in effort. You come first before grades, and anyone who says otherwise, well, they clearly have their priorities misplaced.

And weep as much as you need. Sometimes the best way to handle this is to just let it all out. Scream, cry, wail, do whatever you feel like you need to do.

And what constitutes being "deserving" of happiness? If you think pessimistically about it, nothing truly makes someone deserving of happiness. Performed good in your class? You could've done that and did some volunteer work. Cured cancer? Why didn't you cure Alzheimer's or heart disease? Discovered a source of renewable energy? Why couldn't you also discover that sooner when climate change wasn't such a big deal?

In the end, there's no such thing as a person being "worthy" of happiness. Existing on this planet is enough reason/justification for one to be happy.

(Sorry if this sounds like I'm being condescending or dismissing what you feel.)

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Offtopic..grades? How old are you?

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're suffering

 

[tchaik18401893]

This might just be my perspective on things, but you currently being alive, despite wanting to die, is you trying, is it not? Living in the world as it is right now is already enough to exhaust many people, so the fact that you're persisting is already a sign that you're putting in effort.

Oh, but i am exhausted. Lying in bed all the time, no physical activity, seems to me as lazy, but my mind is racing so fast i AM exhausted. And the effort that youre talking about, hardly any. I am mindless, i feel numb. The only reason i am still alive is the stupid fucking shred of care i have for my mom, apparently dying the same month her birthday is would make her upset. But id be dead, it wouldnt matter.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Oh, but i am exhausted. Lying in bed all the time, no physical activity, seems to me as lazy, but my mind is racing so fast i AM exhausted. And the effort that youre talking about, hardly any. I am mindless, i feel numb. The only reason i am still alive is the stupid fucking shred of care i have for my mom, apparently dying the same month her birthday is would make her upset. But id be dead, it wouldnt matter.

But yet you're persisting in spite of said exhaustion. You don't have to put in maximum effort right off the bat. Hardly any effort could be a step towards slightly more effort at some point.

Whatever choice you make, I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[brokenpersi]

Oh, but i am exhausted. Lying in bed all the time, no physical activity, seems to me as lazy, but my mind is racing so fast i AM exhausted. And the effort that youre talking about, hardly any. I am mindless, i feel numb. The only reason i am still alive is the stupid fucking shred of care i have for my mom, apparently dying the same month her birthday is would make her upset. But id be dead, it wouldnt matter.

What about meeting a famous musician who is important to you? Did you succeed? I know you mentioned it few months ago. Tbh my state of mind is very similar to yours but I try to find last strength I got, so I'm still going to work, gym, even meeting with my few friends. But I'm doing it all with huge effort and for me it's like last chance I gave my life. My date to decide what's next is in September, when I turn 30.

 

[FuneralCry]

There really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this cruel world and of course I get that it certainly can be so tiring having to continue existing here. But anyway I wish you the best.