Venting less conflicted, but still conflicted.

[highlyvolatile]

Had an epiphany about why im so conflicted about going home to do a balloon release for my mom's birthday tomorrow. Im afraid that by going to MS it'd get in the way of me ctb. My mind is very set on ctb. Thats been one of the only things that ive been absolutely sure about lately. I just could not do it tomorrow. And as long as i can go any day after? I'm pretty much okay.

My concern is that there are more family down there and I have no privacy at all there aside from the bathrooms. But i couldnt stay there for hours. And leaving the house when I am there is always an issue because most of the people in the house are elderly and they require a lot of assistance and care. Gramma's a double paraplegic who's bedbound and grandpa is blind and both are diabetic. But just in the house theres no where i can be where id be alone for a while. And barely theres any room for me to sleep anywhere. I do want to do the balloon release but I want to ctb more than anything. I just dont know how i'd get away if I was down there.

Thanks for listening. Its been something ive been arguing with myself about a lot. And im indecisive as hell, so thats that.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds invasive and overwhelming to not have any privacy except in the bathroom. I'm so sorry!

Btw, what does MS mean?

 

[highlyvolatile]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds invasive and overwhelming to not have any privacy except in the bathroom. I'm so sorry!

Btw, what does MS mean?

its just the abbreviation for Mississippi i forget there are so many abbreviarions on this site and its always been that way? really no privacy in mississippi but the complete opposite where i currently am in nashville.

 

[waterbottleman]

Had an epiphany about why im so conflicted about going home to do a balloon release for my mom's birthday tomorrow. Im afraid that by going to MS it'd get in the way of me ctb. My mind is very set on ctb. Thats been one of the only things that ive been absolutely sure about lately. I just could not do it tomorrow. And as long as i can go any day after? I'm pretty much okay.

My concern is that there are more family down there and I have no privacy at all there aside from the bathrooms. But i couldnt stay there for hours. And leaving the house when I am there is always an issue because most of the people in the house are elderly and they require a lot of assistance and care. Gramma's a double paraplegic who's bedbound and grandpa is blind and both are diabetic. But just in the house theres no where i can be where id be alone for a while. And barely theres any room for me to sleep anywhere. I do want to do the balloon release but I want to ctb more than anything. I just dont know how i'd get away if I was down there.

Thanks for listening. Its been something ive been arguing with myself about a lot. And im indecisive as hell, so thats that.

If you don't want to go make up some bullshit about coronavirus or something lol. Like idk, say you have a few of the symptoms and are worried you may have it so you don't want to go and spread it to them.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Oh, gotcha. lol I thought it was another one of those abbreviations.I'd say do whatever you're comfortable with. If you don't want to go you shouldn't be obligated to..

 

[highlyvolatile]

If you don't want to go make up some bullshit about coronavirus or something lol. Like idk, say you have a few of the symptoms and are worried you may have it so you don't want to go and spread it to them.

Hahaha that wouldnt be a bad excuse at all.

Oh, gotcha. lol I thought it was another one of those abbreviations.I'd say do whatever you're comfortable with. If you don't want to go you shouldn't be obligated to..

And i guess ill let yall know what i end up doing. And i feel obligated to cause its the first year we're celebrating it without her and my familys been really distant and maybe it would unite us a little bit? but if i go it'll jepoardize me being able to ctb when i want.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Hahaha that wouldnt be a bad excuse at all.

And i guess ill let yall know what i end up doing. And i feel obligated to cause its the first year we're celebrating it without her and my familys been really distant and maybe it would unite us a little bit? but if i go it'll jepoardize me being able to ctb when i want.

How long would you be there for?

 

[highlyvolatile]

How long would you be there for?

I literally have no idea. Getting a ride to the place where the greyhound station is, is always difficult so theres a chance i could be stuck for a while. We dont have working cars at the house or uber/public transport in mississippi.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Oh wow. Yea, I guess it's your decision. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it. Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

[highlyvolatile]

Oh wow. Yea, I guess it's your decision. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it. Good luck with whatever you choose!

Thanks so much.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Thanks so much.

What did you end up deciding to do?

 

[highlyvolatile]

What did you end up deciding to do?

I ended up staying where I was. (Also I'd way overslept for the time when i couldve caught the greyhound there). My cousin sent a picture of my mom's grave with one of those heart snapchat filters over it saying happy birthday and they'd bought balloons and placed them next to her grave. The people who care for the graveyard is going to get rid of them because we dont have a headstone for her yet but it looks nice in the picture. I hadnt called home or anything. I probably should but moms not there to wish happy birthday to so no point i guess.

I told my sis I didnt want her thinking i was avoiding them. I just really havent been happy regardless of where i am physically. And i didnt want to return there and have to assume the role of caretaker again cause im barely caring for myself as is.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

gotcha. Yea I think it's better to play it safe and do what you're comfortable with, especially when you don't know when you could come back..

 

[highlyvolatile]

gotcha. Yea I think it's better to play it safe and do what you're comfortable with, especially when you don't know when you could come back..

Yeah i maybe eventually will go back. Just called my sister and she said my cousin did that on her own and didnt wait for her so. Idk if anythings happening at all today. And ill play it safe and ty for following up with me.