Hey everyone, I'm going to deactivate my account here after making this post because I'm genuinely trying to recover now and in the past this forum has not been good for me. But I wanted to offer some info / words of encouragement before I go.
In January I attempted suicide via sodium nitrite after lots of planning and somehow avoiding my parents notice. If anyone's considering it I want to emphasize: it's so incredibly salty. It was disgusting. Maybe I'm just a baby but my god it was so bad I could only get one mouthful down and after that I immediately threw the rest down the sink. I still gag a little when I think about it.
But since I'm a very small person that one mouthful did have an effect and ~1 hour later I noticed my fingernails turning blue and passed out. My mom found me, we went to the emergency room, etc. (Shoutout to the emergency room nurses who were very nice and calm) I went to a "psych ward" for a week and yeah it was boring and frustrating. But it wasn't that bad. I know every place is different and I was lucky to go to one of the good ones but I met some great people there and it wasn't the end of the world like I thought it would be. It wasn't the end of the world for people to find out that I was suicidal, even though it felt terrible at first. I guess if anyone else, like me, is terrified of someone finding out and what their reaction might be, well, I can't promise it will go well, but it could.
I was sincere in my efforts to kill myself, but I think I also had to prove that my pain was real by doing something drastic. But that wasn't true, my feelings were real whether or not they were "justified". I knew something was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to get help or express what I was feeling.
Anyway, even though this forum was ultimately bad for me, I appreciate the kind words and supportive atmosphere here. I hope anyone like me can find it in themselves to get help before doing something drastic. I hope you all find recovery, or whatever peace you need. Sending lots of love to everyone.
In January I attempted suicide via sodium nitrite after lots of planning and somehow avoiding my parents notice. If anyone's considering it I want to emphasize: it's so incredibly salty. It was disgusting. Maybe I'm just a baby but my god it was so bad I could only get one mouthful down and after that I immediately threw the rest down the sink. I still gag a little when I think about it.
But since I'm a very small person that one mouthful did have an effect and ~1 hour later I noticed my fingernails turning blue and passed out. My mom found me, we went to the emergency room, etc. (Shoutout to the emergency room nurses who were very nice and calm) I went to a "psych ward" for a week and yeah it was boring and frustrating. But it wasn't that bad. I know every place is different and I was lucky to go to one of the good ones but I met some great people there and it wasn't the end of the world like I thought it would be. It wasn't the end of the world for people to find out that I was suicidal, even though it felt terrible at first. I guess if anyone else, like me, is terrified of someone finding out and what their reaction might be, well, I can't promise it will go well, but it could.
I was sincere in my efforts to kill myself, but I think I also had to prove that my pain was real by doing something drastic. But that wasn't true, my feelings were real whether or not they were "justified". I knew something was wrong but I couldn't bring myself to get help or express what I was feeling.
Anyway, even though this forum was ultimately bad for me, I appreciate the kind words and supportive atmosphere here. I hope anyone like me can find it in themselves to get help before doing something drastic. I hope you all find recovery, or whatever peace you need. Sending lots of love to everyone.
