Leaving partner out of love/fear of hurting them.

[groucho]

I'm considering ending things with my partner, I love her dearly and she has been the best thing to happen to me in so long but I can feel myself slipping down a black hole, an apt anology as I do think there is a point of no return that I will not be able to recover from. I fear I will lose my job and career, my main project is behind and not in a good position and it has nearly 1 million pounds riding on it. I've turned my house into a derelict mess with DIY and the things I hoard. I don't sleep and I'm constantly exhausted, everything feels like it is teetering on a knife edge.

I don't want to hurt my partner but I don't know how to prevent my descent. Above all I want her to be happy and in a relationship that will allow her to grow as a person, if she stays I feel like I will drag her down like tar and poison her beautiful soul.

If she is here when I decide to "go" I will hurt her so much and I don't think she'll recover in time to find a new partner and start a family which is her dream. Leaving now and pushing her away, whilst painful, will give her a chance to move on faster. Hopefully she will be far enough away in terms of geography that she will not hear the news of my passing.

 

[alivefornow]

I did this, she's now with another guy and this is killing my will to live. So there's that.

At least she kinda hates me now and won't suffer as much when I CTB. If at all.

 

[groucho]

It feels like a secret kindness in a way, it seems so selfish to stay when you feel so sure you're going to "go".

How did you leave them if you don't mind me asking?

 

[alivefornow]

It feels like a secret kindness in a way, it seems so selfish to stay when you feel so sure you're going to "go".

How did you leave them if you don't mind me asking?

She left me after I told her to, repeatedly. I became kind of a bitter monster. I don't even know if I did it on purpose or not anymore. I just acted on my desire to be alone, while she tried to stay next to me as much as possible and help me heal my broken mind. She gave me chances I didn't even ask for. Eventually she did leave me.

When I found out she was with another guy, I spiraled down into an inescapable hell of depression and anxiety, becoming actively suicidal, standing on ledges, tying neckties to hooks and whatnot. All to threaten her with my own death. Not that I want her back. I just wanted to hurt her.

I just want to die really. I regret my actions and I still think it could have been different if I knew how to communicate my needs in a reasonable manner. I can't contact her anymore because she blocked me from social media, as she should have.

I'm still going to CTB. This situation is the main factor driving me towards it, but I've been like this many other times in my life, for many other reasons. I have no interest in the future whatsoever. Just a peaceful death.

This is the first time I talk about this situation in this forum, so there you go.

 

[groucho]

I know nothing I can say will touch that pain alivefornow, regrets are a horrible part of life and one of the reason I'm still hesitant to leave my partner as I know the small part of me that wants to live will mourn for the period of time between us parting and my ctb.

I've come to see our social and personal lives as transient but indelible, people come in and out of your life but leave a little bit of themselves when they go. I had a partner a while ago who wasn't very good at being "a partner" and they hurt me in subtle and deep ways that no one else ever has, but I know she has a kind heart beyond the pain she caused and whilst I can't name you more than 3 happy moments with her I still have some fondness for her and wish her well in the most sincerest and unselfish of ways. I am sure your ex however hurt by you also has those thoughts for you, you can't care for someone that much without seeing a bit of their soul.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

My partner is my wife. I feel like my real partner is depression though. I feel physically ill at the thought of leaving her. I guess killing myself is almost the same as breaking up, huh? I want to make it hurt her as little as possible. I'm afraid there's no way though. I was fucking naive to get married and ever have any belief in a future. I never wanted it then she came along and I did and now I've roped her into this mess. I feel so terrible. But I can't stay here.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable wishing to do this, I do believe that people will suffer no matter what but it does sound like doing such a thing would make it easier for them, as I believe that as time goes on eventually people will likely forget and stop caring.