Venting Leaving my beloved behind

[DynamicDepression]

(I couldn't figure out whether this belongs in the Venting or the Story flair, so please forgive me if I'm in the wrong one.)

Two and a half years ago, I met a wonderful man on an online forum. We found out that we had a lot in common: a love for writing, an appreciation for the universe's beauty, and a similar sense of humor, to name a few. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him, and he with me.

A few months later, we were finally going to meet, but Covid hit and we had to postpone. When travel restrictions between our two countries were dropped, he had an emergency at work and couldn't get time off. Now, we are finally able to meet but I'm not sure it would be a good idea. Don't get me wrong, I love him from the bottom of my heart and wish I could have a long life with him, but I don't want to hurt him any more than I already will once I pass on. My own life is too hard to keep living. Nearly every day, new memories I repressed come back to haunt me. Cruel memories of abuse, rape, and bullying. My mind is distorted, my body disfigured, and my health waning. My hopes and dreams were crushed by the harshness of reality. I don't have a future, my past is too cruel, and my present is unbearable. The only way I can find peace is in non-existence.

But I'm terrified of traumatizing him. All I want is for him to have a happy life. To find someone who will love him and make him smile, but I'm petrified his first relationship ending like this will make him scared of falling in love again. Because of this, I find myself wishing that we had never met in the first place. If he could forget all about me through magic, I could finally pass on without guilt. I'm very selfish. I'm so sorry for stringing him along when in my heart I knew that this would be the inevitable end. But even then, I wish I could be in his arms just once before I go, even though I know it would not be fair to him.

Sorry if this wasn't coherent, and thank you for reading.

 

[Un-]

Sounds exactly like my love-life right now, but from the opposite perspective. I think everything crumbles in the end, regardless of how special it may have felt. It's much better for people wanting to die - people like you and I - to leave. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.. we're just another page inside of their Book of Life. At least, that's what we should hope for... I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can imagine that it must be so painful. I know that it is unbearable when you are suffering so much, it sounds so horrible what you are experiencing. Death is the only way for me to find any sort of peace as well. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Foresight]

This is complicated. Not an easy decision at all. It's such a lovely connection you're describing.

Honestly, the route I would take is to come clean and let him decide if he wants to meet you. For me, there would be too many regrets with the other options but it is something that's so personal. There's so many ways you could go here.

 

[lostmylove]

I feel you should go for it with him. If you didn't I think you'll have regrets about it for rest of your life. I recently lost my partner. Being with him was best time of my life, it's the being without I can't cope with. Love at the end of the day is only thing worth living for in my opinion.

 

[DynamicDepression]

Sounds exactly like my love-life right now, but from the opposite perspective. I think everything crumbles in the end, regardless of how special it may have felt. It's much better for people wanting to die - people like you and I - to leave. 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.. we're just another page inside of their Book of Life. At least, that's what we should hope for... I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

I do hope that is true. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I'm sorry you're going through something similar. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can imagine that it must be so painful. I know that it is unbearable when you are suffering so much, it sounds so horrible what you are experiencing. Death is the only way for me to find any sort of peace as well. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you for the kind words. I hope you will find peace, my friend.

This is complicated. Not an easy decision at all. It's such a lovely connection you're describing.

Honestly, the route I would take is to come clean and let him decide if he wants to meet you. For me, there would be too many regrets with the other options but it is something that's so personal. There's so many ways you could go here.

That is a good idea, thank you. He knows of my suicidal thoughts, but he thinks I can get through it (which I really can't, no matter how much I'd like to) so I'll have to find a way to ask without alarming him.

I feel you should go for it with him. If you didn't I think you'll have regrets about it for rest of your life. I recently lost my partner. Being with him was best time of my life, it's the being without I can't cope with. Love at the end of the day is only thing worth living for in my opinion.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you're doing as okay as you can. I greatly appreciate your input and I will keep it in mind.