man that's one of the most difficult parts about ctb.. It still hurts me to know what I am going to be doing to my half-sister and my mom.. My mom will end up suiciding after I do, and my half-sister will take my death very hard because she can confide lots of things to me, and her mom just died a few weeks ago, and I'm planning on ctb this year, so both her mom and me will have died in the same year, taking a big toll on my half-sister.. And my grandpa will be majorly hurt too.. Oh yeah, and my dad too probably.. My dad is xtian so he probably thinks my soul will be burning in hell for eternity because I suicided..
But at the end of the day, you have to choose between you or them....and if you choose them, then you end up suffering by continuing to live in pain every day.. It is a hard decision to make.. The last time I see my mom I will have to think "yeah, you're never going to see your son again"........
....However.....if you think about it, any thing could happen to any one at any time......I could technically be randomly hit by a truck or car accident at any given time.. Would my mom still kill her self if I died accidentally in a car accident?.. I don't know.....Maybe, maybe not......It almost makes me want to just disappear and go missing, but i still feel guilty about that too because family would endlessly search for me and never know what happened to me.. I'd personally rather just leave a note saying I'm ctb and they will just have to deal with the burden them selves how ever they see fit......I can't keep suffering for every one.....at some point I have to think about my own well-being too..