Leaving behind young children?

[lynn14]

Is it in any way justifiable to kill yourself when you have young children? I was planning on waiting until they're older but now I don't know if I can. I don't want them to be traumatized or to grow up to be depressed too. But I'm just so depressed that I'm finding it difficult to rationalize or to be reasonable, even though on a rational level I know it is wrong to kill yourself when you have dependants. My oldest would go live with her father (my ex husband) and my two youngest would stay with their father... My youngest kids wouldn't really know me if I cbi'd now. Which sucks. I would feel guilt of course, but all I feel right now is pain. All I can feel is pain. All there is to be felt, is pain. Over and over again. I'm really sick tonight, with this horrible crushing feeling in my chest that only death will solve. Jesus Christ, I am a hurting unit. I completely fell apart tonight and my husband was like "this isn't normal behavior," and then my dad called in the middle of my sobbing, and I always keep it together 100% around him but tonight I couldn't even formulate a coherent sentence, he heard me crying and now I am going to have to explain why I was crying and I find that embarrassing since I don't have much of an explanation. I'd like to avoid dealing with any of it, and kill myself tonight. But I know it won't be tonight. But it might be one more bad night away. That is how it feels. It feels awful looking at my kids and not knowing if they'll know me.

 

[Macc Lad]

i certainly wouldn't !! having children stopped me from trying again!

 

[Escaper Boy]

I don't want to suggest ctb as the best solution. Your family needs you. But, if it must come to that, perhaps making your ctb looks like "accident" would soften the blow for your loved ones.

Again, I am not asking you to ctb. Your life is your own. Please decide with cool head and clear perspective before taking any drastic act.

 

[Omega7]

My kids are 4 and 5 I tried to live for them when depression or whatever you want to call it hit me...but it's impossible. I'll be leaving behind my daughters :-(

 

[Jolene40]

I know how you feel. It all depends on so many things. What is the main source of your suffering and is there any chance at all things can improve. Counselling/ meds/ your home life?? Is there any hope of feeling better.
No one can tell you either way as if you cannot tolerate anymore then you just can't. Xxx the kids are a reason to keep going but i don't know how bad your suffering is so who am i to tell you to keep going ❤

 

[lynn14]

This thread is honestly so depressing that I tried deleting it, but couldn't figure out how. I've decided to leave it up since it seems some other people can relate. It is so horrible to even think of leaving children behind that it causes me shame to even have typed the question. I do feel tremendous duty to my family, so I hope that will win out in the end, I'll try my damnedest to pull through. I just can't believe how fucked in the head I am to even feel these feelings.

 

[gingerplum]

Your babies need you. Losing their mom-- at any age, really-- will profoundly affect them and alter the course of their lives. That said, there have been plenty of times when I was too far gone in my own suffocating sadness when I knew this myself and my love for my own kids was not enough to stop me. I know how the desperation to make the pain stop renders you unable to think clearly, but you have to try for them.

 

[lynn14]

Wow guys, I totally lost my perspective tonight. I still feel frayed at the edges. I just smoothed things over with dad on the phone, I made up some bullshit about my day being long and rough, which it was, and told him I didn't want to worry him by inexplicably bursting out crying on the phone like that. "You caught me at a weak moment!" I said. It was that much to say the least.

What gingerplum said really has really stuck in my mind. I'll continue to hang in there for my kids. I'm sorry to have worried everyone here on the interwebs tonight. I'm going into a deep sleep now that I will wake up from friends. Goodnight.