Help Leaving abusive relationship

[nerve]

I need to get away from my abusive and controlling boyfriend. He's my only friend too. When I think of everything I would have to do to leave, ctbing seems a lot more attractive. The world is so dull. I've already fought so much just to keep going, let alone take steps forward.

Deep down, I think I know I can't do it. I'm going to die because of this relationship. I can't do it, just like all the other stuff I failed to do. It feels worth it to die like this. I don't mind. He'll hit me and call me names but what should I expect? I'm sick and poor, not exactly a catch. Low expectations. Non-abusive men are for the mentally well. If I could be alone for the rest of my life, that'd be okay. Taking care of myself is an unrealistic goal though.

I had really bad food poisoning a few nights ago and was up till morning throwing up in the shower. My boyfriend came in, pissed as hell, asking me what pills I took and how many. The overall mood was moderate irritation. I was a little disappointed that after all this time, he honestly thought I'd just chug some pills and call it a night. If I was okay with that I would have done it years ago, you idiot.

 

[CC123]

Contact a batter woman's resource center.
They CAN help.
You are very courageous to share this with the site.
You CAN get away from him.

 

[nerve]

You CAN get away from him.

You don't know anything about me. How do you know that I can get away from him?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What kinds of responses to this post do you seek? What would serve you?

 

[CC123]

You don't know anything about me. How do you know that I can get away from him?

Please contact people who help battered women in your area.
They can get to know you.

 

[pole]

You don't know anything about me. How do you know that I can get away from him?

first off, sorry about what you're going through.

alot of partners in abusive relationships fail to recognize and even ADMIT and TALK about their abuse AT ALL. it takes strength to recognize, address, and talk about it. and i envy you for that.

of course, it's hard to find the strength and courage to get up and leave. can you attempt to make this a reality, through beginning to plan on doing it? through this, attempting to find a living situation that'll be available for you, stable income, etc; so when you do leave, you have options readily available right then and there for you. there are crisis centers for sexual abuse and assault; and depending on where you live, theres alot more of them available rn due to increased funding. for example, here in Canada, they've attempted to open more crisis centers to help those who are literally trapped and stuck at home because of the pandemic happening; and have nowhere to go, and have to face their abuse everyday. you do have places to go through this. it's just about finding the strength and will, and taking that step forward. you've thought about it, you know what needs to be done, but taking that first action and step mecessary (moving out) is the hardest and i don't blame you for that.

the fact you recognize, admit, and are able to talk about you're abuse in a loving relationship takes so much strength; i don't think people understand nor value this. you know you don't deserve this, no one does and you're afraid of loosing the one emotional attachment you've created and fear in being alone; but at what cost? you don't deserve this at all.

you haven't had the ability to be in a position, a positive environment, to be able to recover and take steps forward and grow.

you cannot grow or take steps forward in bettering yourself and recovering; if you're doing this in the VERY SAME ENVIRONMENT that's caused you're pain and suffering.

i really hope you're able to get out of the hell-hole and be able to have the opportunity to recover and better yourself with a fresh start and environment. and i'm sorry if i was no help.

hope you find peace in life. take care.

 

[nerve]

What kinds of responses to this post do you seek? What would serve you?

I hadn't thought that far ahead. Maybe something like commiseration or an acknowledgement? I'm very scared and alone right now so I panicked.

Please contact people who help battered women in your area.
They can get to know you.

They know me and I know them, I'm just too much of a coward to actually do anything ;;

first off, sorry about what you're going through.

alot of partners in abusive relationships fail to recognize and even ADMIT and TALK about their abuse AT ALL. it takes strength to recognize, address, and talk about it. and i envy you for that.

of course, it's hard to find the strength and courage to get up and leave. can you attempt to make this a reality, through beginning to plan on doing it? through this, attempting to find a living situation that'll be available for you, stable income, etc; so when you do leave, you have options readily available right then and there for you. there are crisis centers for sexual abuse and assault; and depending on where you live, theres alot more of them available rn due to increased funding. for example, here in Canada, they've attempted to open more crisis centers to help those who are literally trapped and stuck at home because of the pandemic happening; and have nowhere to go, and have to face their abuse everyday. you do have places to go through this. it's just about finding the strength and will, and taking that step forward. you've thought about it, you know what needs to be done, but taking that first action and step mecessary (moving out) is the hardest and i don't blame you for that.

the fact you recognize, admit, and are able to talk about you're abuse in a loving relationship takes so much strength; i don't think people understand nor value this. you know you don't deserve this, no one does and you're afraid of loosing the one emotional attachment you've created and fear in being alone; but at what cost? you don't deserve this at all.

you haven't had the ability to be in a position, a positive environment, to be able to recover and take steps forward and grow.

you cannot grow or take steps forward in bettering yourself and recovering; if you're doing this in the VERY SAME ENVIRONMENT that's caused you're pain and suffering.

i really hope you're able to get out of the hell-hole and be able to have the opportunity to recover and better yourself with a fresh start and environment. and i'm sorry if i was no help.

hope you find peace in life. take care.

Thank you for your well wishes. I really hope that someday I'm able to be a fuckin grown-up for once. It's hard to see where any of that strength or courage is supposed to come from, but I guess that's why I'm still alive...

 

[CC123]

"It's hard to see where any of that strength or courage is supposed to come from"

It is coming from inside of you.
You reached out here -- that took courage.
It is hard for most anyone to take help from others.
The people who help battered women in your area can only assist you as much as you are willing to be assisted.
Yu hve more courage than you give yourself credit for.

 

[pole]

I hadn't thought that far ahead. Maybe something like commiseration or an acknowledgement? I'm very scared and alone right now so I panicked.


They know me and I know them, I'm just too much of a coward to actually do anything ;;


Thank you for your well wishes. I really hope that someday I'm able to be a fuckin grown-up for once. It's hard to see where any of that strength or courage is supposed to come from, but I guess that's why I'm still alive...

it will come from within YOU. you asked how you can get away from him? cause YOU can. i really believe people who have gone through abuse and trauma are so fricken strong, cause they've kept going and going. you've kept trying and trying, hoping; you've been able to ADDRESS, RECOGNIZE AND TALK about you're abuse. all of this is STRENGTH. i don't even care if i sound pro-lifeish, but you have strength.

it's just a matter of having strength AND ENERGY to do something so life-changing; which is being able to face and confront you're demons, the source of you're pain and suffering face to face and giving it the finger and walking away.

i guess it's more about finding this strength and ENERGY within you, that pushes you to take that step; versus being stuck on wondering WHERE it comes from. and to be completely honest, i don't know how to build the energy and strength to do something beneficial for myself and i won't just throw things at you, in hopes of you blindlessly trying, sorry. i hope someone else here will be able to throw out ideas that can help you find this strength and energy needed to take that next step.

 

[muffin222]

PM me if you'd like to talk about your situation. I was where you are. I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship with physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. I thought I could never get out of it either. I had no friends, no self-esteem, almost no resources, and no hope. It's easy for people on the outside to say, "Just leave him. You're strong enough", but it's not that simple...unfortunately, you cannot "just leave" an abuser. It's very complex. It took me months to find the courage to finally escape. I could have written your post, verbatim.

One day, though, I escaped in the middle of the night. I've been free for 8 months now. I NEVER thought I could make it without him. Leaving did not even seem plausible to me at the time, but I managed. I felt like no one could love me besides him. I felt like there was nothing better for me. I felt broken and unable to care for myself without him either. But, I made it out and I'm still here. It wasn't easy by any means. In fact, it was horrible at first. But I'm still here.

There IS life on the other side. You may not be able to leave now, but you eventually CAN get out and start a new life without him.

 

[almaranthine]

I was able to escape my abusive ex. However, the opportunity to leave also came at a great personal cost. I am still suffering, but I would never wish that I had stayed. He was an evil fucking person who manipulated and oppressed me. I felt like a forced sex worker that never got paid. My compensation was the roof of a dilapidated, infested, shithole apartment over my head.

Back then, I believed suicide was my only way out. So many nights I laid awake, attempting to compress my carotid artery with various ropes and straps... yet here I am. Am I unhappy? Definitely. Lonely? Insufferably lonely. Still suicidal? Some nights I'm more positive and hopeful, other times I'm still tightening a strap around my neck. Nevertheless, escaping from him was a true victory for me. I can die at peace should I so choose.

I don't know you or your situation. I'll just say that I didn't think I had anybody in the world, nor did I believe I had any inner strength to speak of... yet I was able to free myself from him. Someone felt bad enough for me to help. What they had to offer wasn't/isn't ideal but it is far better than where I came from.