late night vent

[terrastella]

i feel like i'm at a really weird point in my life where i'm ready to die yet i'm living out my life like everything is normal (to the best of my ability) and it's really draining

i feel ready to let go of it all. if i note my emotions i know it brings me many polarizing feelings; a rightful grief for the beings i love and that love me, a semblance of anger towards people, awe of what life had offered me, a tugging sadness being that i am so small in this crazy world. it soothes me that one day my memory will be short lived and that even then im not alone as a dead person.

these sentiments and the physical reality of wanting to ctb are burdensome. i have yet to agree to a method

 

[iwantdeath6969]

i feel the same. it's weird to get up and go to work knowing that im going to die soon, and it's difficult pretending not to suffer

 

[HumansAreHell]

I feel it too. It's completely exhausting having to continue on like nothing is wrong when you are always suffering. I don't even know why I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just do it. After many years it is all starting to catch up with me though and the cracks are starting to show.

 

[SilentSadness]

Life is definitely draining. When I talk to others they all put on the same false masks I do but I wouldn't be surprised if they are all just as miserable as we are. It would be so much better if society could come together to fix problems and release the bans on suicide rather than pretending the problems don't exist and wondering why people choose to strangle themselves to death instead of live the 'beautiful' life we are given.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound tiring what you have to endure, but I also find comfort in the thought of being forgotten about. Our existences really are so incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, we likely won't even eventually exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here and that is just the way that things are. All that I wish for is this existence to just disappear.

 

[TAW122]

Yes, it is indeed a conflicting experience. Wanting to live out life out of curiosity while wrestling with the decision to CTB, and procurement of a method, it is very challenging (not withstanding the survival instinct too). I hope you are able to find peace with whatever decision you decide on as well as your predicament.

 

[▪︎⚠ ＫＯＨＩ ⚠▪︎]

Lately I've been feeling the same.
It feels like being on third person all the time and being alive but not really living, as in a game left on autoplay. It really drains energy fisically and mentally of having to pretend like everything is normal, it's ok, and it makes me feel gradually worst because of lying to the people that trust me and see me as a happy and honest person.
For a couple of days it has gotten quite noticeable and either my friends and family are worried about my state of numbness, I didn't want them to worry that much because of thinking "it's going to pass, eventually I'll be fine", but as night passes and another day starts it just gets worst. I cannot let them worry that much so I have to try at least to look normal.