Venting Late night thoughts/hoping to sleep.

[Livingvsdying25]

Was gonna add to my other post in off topic but started going into things that I think belong here so.


Sooo been reading for a few hours. Day dreaming stories in-between. Ate a couple/rest of gummies. Nose keeps clearing then getting clogged. Coughs are happening which is def rare for me. Thinking of making food order of ice cream, snacks and Neo-smthin night tea? that supposed to help with like these symptoms. 2 pouches. So yeee not a total waste of money. Rarely took/have taken anything beyond Buckley bc my parents were weird about cold medicine. Or really all medicine but have heard this tea thing helps people. God I feel like such a dumbass bc of my lacking life experience.

Anyway I haven't gotten it yet but as I am tryna get my brain to a place to sleep & my fucking nose keeps clogging im thinking I should just order it. I'm truthfully not hungry much anymore and would prefer some real food if ima eat buttttt ugh. Like why can't my fucking nose just stop getting clogged and my throat just get it together.


HATE being sick. I just want to sleep. Haven't taken it in a few days but gonna take magnesium & melatonin I want to sleep. Been awake all day and it hasn't been fuckin pleasant. My thoughts suck and I want a break. But honestly I am not feeling well sickness aside it's hard to explain but yee lack of food got moving to be a struggle. Like in moments my body mayyyyyyy be kinda feelin like its shutting down. I dunno if the lack of like sleep from that aspect. Remember reading smthin bout anorexia and sleep struggles but can't remember the details. Took melatonin and magnesium so can only hope for the best. Well I could eat buttttt I also "cant". Wondering if my like position lying down will help nose congestion. Hmmm it's kinda helping? Kindaaaaa.... but I jjst blew my nose so ffs watch it reclog in 10 minutes I really can't fucking stand this shit.

It's making me well among other things think/realize my brothers always been the golden child we both got abused but... once he left for university when I was like 12/13 the dynamics changed so much. The lack of love or care was real. I actually don't remember most of that yr bc it was so bad / my moms abuse was so bad. Why am I thinking of this? Well once he left any care while I was physically ill or otherwise also left. It was... a lot taking care of myself & my Mom while that young & neglected. Honestly as of late I want to be honest in my note about it. Like used to wanna make sure I wasn't "blaming" anyone but now idgaf about mentioning the abuse. Like ik it doesn't matter but I realized that family would try to erase all existence of such words or evidence... ik it doesn't matter cause I won't be here but I don't want what I've been through to be erased and my CTB to be looked at as some unfortunate event due to my own mental illnesses like it's sooo far from that. Ig I want to leave this world known as the survivor/victim/warrior that I am and my struggles / abuse not forgotten. Sighs. People in my life currently would know... so maybe that's enough but I dunno. It seems so stupid but within no longer minimizing things and being where im at.. im also trying to no longer invalidate my feelings/thoughts(as much as I can) so yeah it matters to me. Im not too hard pressed about it all but within said note I'm making sure to thank those that actually cared & supported. Like this forum without naming it but my mom is the kinda person to go on a witch hunt for someone to blame to avoid looking within so would jus say smthin like "online supports" or smthin

Anywayyyyy sighhhsss ig to me too like being at a place where I am starting to think of the finer details of like my note tells me where I am at. I don't feel like im really turning around this time. And if I do I don't feel like it'll be the same kinda thing? Ending my life feels like the default as of rn that I'll return to regardless but I also do not have the energy for that back and forth.


Wellll yeah... still dunno what the hell to eat def not per say hungry. Coughs making me dry heave... hoping natural supplements put me to sleep. Needa sleep and get a god damn break from this god damn world man. Ugh. To say im excited (as I can be while this low) about the fat my body is losing that I notice would be an understatement. But... well yeah no buts I've never been able to experience this at my own hands or "will" per say? Was always forced into starvation bc of stupid living situations. this feels like my own choice but I am not stupid enough to realize it isn't. That im just continuing the neglect and such put upon me. But somehow weighing less means I'm better and that's just eating disorder brain but like yeah? My arms have not been this thin in yrs and they aren't that small or anything I just notice how the fat is less.


Anyway just a bunch of rambles PLZ body & mind get the fuck to sleep ffs. Stopped reading a bit ago bc brain is tired/ plot was getting too thick so just wanna watch videos and lull myself into sleep this dry fucking cough is killing me ffsssssss UGH my body needs to like fuck off or get it together I dunno. Night. /hopefully goodnight.

 

[avaruus]

HATE being sick. I just want to sleep. Haven't taken it in a few days but gonna take magnesium & melatonin I want to sleep.

Took melatonin and magnesium so can only hope for the best.

Just a quick helpful note, do not take too much melatonin. It's suggested to take only a 0,5-1,0mg of melatonin according to the newest research. Too much melatonin doesn't actually make you sleep better and deeper, it can actually disrupt your sleep and make you feel really groggy and even depressed the next day.

But anyways, i wish you well, i hope it gets better for you :)