Story Last try at therapy, or bust!

[Crappy_joycon]

So i really don't know if i should post this here or in the recovery thread, because at the moment the coin still can flip the both ways.
So let me know if it should go in the other thread.
(TLDR at the bottom)

i"m trying not to make it to long, but here we go!
So im at the end of my 30's and have been struggling with depression and anxiety since i was at least 8 years old, i went to a traumatic event and more.
Went through school with copious amounts of bulling, teachers saying i won't become much, my only friend was placed out of home by child protective services so from the age of 11 i was truly alone, and i think somewhere between 11 and 12 i had my first suicide attempt. (and clearly failed)

But i always kinda managed because i thought everyone was always depressed and suicidal, i mean everyone hate's them self, right?
So I have been to a therapist quit some time as a child and as an adult, and it helped for a short time, but i would always slip back in to a bad depression and started copping with self-harm.
Although at the moment i do supposedly have my life on track i have a stable job, i have a roof over my head, i have a loving partner for almost 5 years who helped me a lot getting my mental health on track, and knows about my depression and suicidal ideation.

So after a few years of many intakes, random therapy i finally know how bad of a clusterfuck my brain is and have multiple diagnose of: ADHD, autism and quiet BPD.
I have medications for my ADHD and after a long fucking waiting list an being in grippy sock jail for a few weeks, i am in schema therapy (Schema therapy is an integrative psychotherapy combining theory and techniques from previously existing therapies, including cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic object relations theory, attachment theory, and Gestalt therapy. ) it take about a year and 6 months, and now i am past the first 6 months.

The thing now is, i am painfully aware of what i saw as "normal" things that every thought and did is actually not so normal. and i have the realisation that every one that should have kept me safe as kid and teen failed me horrible. you know i kinda wish i could go back to the "ignorance is a bliss", because now my suicidal ideation is at an all time high and depression is slapping me left and right. now i know that with the type of therapy i have know i has to get worse before it gets better, but i actually lost count of how many type therapy's i had now, im at the end of my 30's if this doesn't work, nothing will.

The decision i made now is, i still have a year of therapy to go, and I'm honestly going to my best to actually recover, but if after a year nothing much has changed with my mental health,
then i am done with being alive, and i choose to end it myself.

So this either will be my last year, or my first year of a new life.

TLDR: this is my last try at therapy, if it doesn't work, CTB it is!

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it does sound really tiring what you've been through but anyway I wish you the best of luck in whatever you eventually decide.

 

[SVEN]

You have committed to endure for one more year, so no urgency to make either a life changing, or ending decision yet. Why not come here to this safe place where you can vent all you wish with no fear of not being understood or judged at the times you're confused or really down. That way you can allow time to see whether the therapy assists, or you finally decide to ctb.
Either way, be gentle with yourself.