greyblue_bian
2x Failed CTB Member
- Jun 10, 2022
- 162
I've been waiting for what feels like a while, but I finally have enough money to get everything I need to before I go and to last me until the end of the month if necessary. I've been trying to write more, take more photos, go more places, and make more memories before I go but I'm genuinely too exhausted and I really don't see much of a point in trying so hard since it's obvious I'm aware that there's a good chance people will just move on immediately. It doesn't really matter if that's the case. It's been really hard to muster up any energy for anything at all and it's somehow just getting worse and basically I just do nothing all day except lay down in my bed. It's hard to sleep and most days eat and it's even harder to get up and take care of myself or anything around my house, but I've been trying just so I don't disappoint anymore than I have. I don't really care much for anything I used to like and my emotions are still really unstable. I'm thinking of just deleting all of my photos, socials, writing and selling all my things so when I am gone, no one will have anything that will remind them of me and they can forget. I'm just wishing what most other people on here are and it's that I just wish I would die. I don't know why my attempts last year and the year before didn't work or were just ruined and I wish I had more money to get the things I needed earlier this year or at least found them around my house when I look. I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep. I just want to rest now. I don't want to hear about having more "willingness to learn to grow" because I have no more willingness to live and to me, that's just the same thing. If I'm going to die, I might as well try dying entirely and make sure it doesn't take too long for people to start forgetting about me.
