Last Days Journal

[Daffodil]

I want to start this thread as a personal journal (if that's ok and in line with the terms of use of this forum). I have a plan in mind that I'm starting to execute and have a lot of nervous energy and reflections I need to share somewhere, with someone.

My plan right now is that I'd like to be gone within a couple of months. I'm ready to go. I don't like it here. I think people who claim to be happy are pretty much delusional and always chasing something they never catch. The nature of existence is that all that exists must decay. Everything we love we will lose. I don't want to grow older and lose even more than I have already. I don't even want to start with talking about society, the economy, and the environment. It's too upsetting.

My method in order of priority is:
- N
-SN as backup
-Exit bag

Getting SN and N as soon as possible. We'll see how long it takes! I'll report back.

 

[Daffodil]

There was an attempt to hope...

Was all prepared to order N today. For context I had a dream job interview last week that I thought would turn things around, and I didn't get it. That was my last hope.

Then I heard about an opportunity today that's not my dream job, but might line me up for it in a year. I have this one career track and set of companies I want to work for, something like being an engineer at NASA, and if I don't get it I don't really want to be here. I literally feel like I'm made to work there, and I don't want to compromise. I was rejected this time because I lacked one specific technical skill-set that I can work on until I apply again.

I want to "never give up" but I know that's also a delusion we tell ourselves to make us continue the species.

I don't know what's going on yet. I feel burnt out and awful. Obviously the "everything is hopeless" track had been running in my mind hardcore. I still want life to be meaningful though - everyone else seems to find it meaningful. Life lately has been complicated if/else statements. Order N, else SN or exit bag. If job live, else die. At least the equations are simple, if inhumane.

I still want N in case something happens to the world N supply, and it supposedly lasts for a year. Would rather have powder but am nervous about ordering without more reports.

Anyways, I'm muddling through at the moment and will try to get N soon. Deep breath.

 

[Racee]

 

[Shinbu]

I don't want to get old. I feel the same. I hold the same view on existence too. More in likely next month I'll be checking out. I hope things works out for you.

 

[mesohappy]

I want to start this thread as a personal journal (if that's ok and in line with the terms of use of this forum). I have a plan in mind that I'm starting to execute and have a lot of nervous energy and reflections I need to share somewhere, with someone.

My plan right now is that I'd like to be gone within a couple of months. I'm ready to go. I don't like it here. I think people who claim to be happy are pretty much delusional and always chasing something they never catch. The nature of existence is that all that exists must decay. Everything we love we will lose. I don't want to grow older and lose even more than I have already. I don't even want to start with talking about society, the economy, and the environment. It's too upsetting.

My method in order of priority is:
- N
-SN as backup
-Exit bag

Getting SN and N as soon as possible. We'll see how long it takes! I'll report back.

I started a journal in a spiral notebook documenting my thoughts,feelings,wishes,descent last year around the time of my birthday..Last night I read it and burned it in my backyard.I just imagined whoever discovered my remains glancing through it and having a chuckle and tossing it anyway.Im thankful for this site though and the people on it. It feels good to know that Im not alone in what Im going through and caused me to stop and think when my impulses get to strong.

 

[thelastchicken]

@Daffodil , being able to follow your journey in this way feels humbling, thank you.

I like the idea of a thread-diary. Hopefully we, the other users, will not ruin it for you. Let us know if you prefer us to read and react to this thread silently.

I also wanted to say that your way of expressing yourself feels good.

Wish you a beautiful journey
Hugs

 

[Daffodil]

@Daffodil , being able to follow your journey in this way feels humbling, thank you.

I like the idea of a thread-diary. Hopefully we, the other users, will not ruin it for you. Let us know if you prefer us to read and react to this thread silently.

I also wanted to say that your way of expressing yourself feels good.

Wish you a beautiful journey
Hugs

Happy to have the interaction! I think it got moved to a different section of the forum, so am not sure whether people will see it. It does help to let off nervous energy!

A lot changing from day to day, trying to hold onto hope. Right now I am learning about a summer project opportunity that would help with some of the technical skill gaps so I could approach my chosen firms in fall. It probably sounds silly to be suicidal about this. There are positions I've been working for for many years, so I will just be crushed if none in my chosen firms want me. I've been making huge sacrifices for years in terms of personal relationships and wellbeing. Probably to an unhealthy extent. I think it might be similar to a someone going through med school and not finding a residency, although it's probably been half as grueling as that would be.

After going through health problems for several years I was really at a pivotal point - and when my work wouldn't put me back on projects and let me go, it put me down a bad spiral. I really gave up a lot of hope and it impacted my views on humanity. It's just taking so long, and I live with my parents and not making any money so it sucks. I'm trying to find way to get hope back, but at the same time thinking maybe powdered N could be nice so I can have it in case of emergency.

I started a journal in a spiral notebook documenting my thoughts,feelings,wishes,descent last year around the time of my birthday..Last night I read it and burned it in my backyard.I just imagined whoever discovered my remains glancing through it and having a chuckle and tossing it anyway.Im thankful for this site though and the people on it. It feels good to know that Im not alone in what Im going through and caused me to stop and think when my impulses get to strong.

I think it's healthy to toss journals, especially if they are full of negativity. At the same time, it's not bad to have some attachment to materials things. I guess we gotta Mary Kondo it.

 

[thelastchicken]

@Daffodil , how are you?

 

[TAW122]

I hope you are able to obtain the methods and resources that you are seeking for as well as finding peace.