Venting Lame trigger for my CTB desire

[TowerUpright]

Ive been doing pretty well lately with my desire to CTB. Not perfect, but I started to see a trend upwards. And then crap like this happens.

I was engaged in a conversion with my spouse in our den about something important with the family. Then, my youngest daughter ( who is about 9) comes in, interrupting the conversation about a dog she saw being walked and how it looked funny. My spouse stopped our conversation and spoke for about 3 minutes with her about dogs. The my only son walks (who is 15) asking about a raise in allowance and how he deserves more. My spouse talks to him at length about it. The whole time, I physical cannot speak. I was raised in a house where you never interrupted people, especially adults in conversation. Then, after quite a while, with me standing speechless, the conversation ends and my spouse continues to work, which is what I was doing before starting my conversation. After a minute, it was, "Oh, that's right, you were saying something. What was it?" (I'm paraphrasing)

My desire to CTB went through the roof, and I was desperately trying to think of a time I could be isolated for 4 hours.

WTF is wrong with me, that being pushed aside in conversation makes my self-harm instinct shoot through the roof? Does this type of thing happened to others when you're interrupted or people act like you don't exist?? I suppose I'm acting unreasonable to some. Some stories I've heard here and other with friends make something like this seem so petty. And I just don't know how to handle this.

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

WTF is wrong with me, that being pushed aside in conversation makes my self-harm instinct shoot through the roof? Does this type of thing happened to others when you're interrupted or people act like you don't exist?? I suppose I'm acting unreasonable to some. Some stories I've heard here and other with friends make something like this seem so petty. And I just don't know how to handle this.

I don't know if that's petty, but if it is then we're both in the spectrum. I also hate it when I'm interrupted or people completely ignore me. I get so frustrated when I'm trying to make some conversation with my mom and she just hums or ignores me, and when I point that she always apologises but still makes me mad, because i never do the same.

 

[Anonymoussn]

Honestly, I do think you're overthinking this. Children are not always the most sensitive, and so interrupting is in my opinion a minor indiscretion that you should be able to overlook unless it happens frequently.

However, if I'm understanding what you've said correctly, you accept that this might be the case anyway. I wouldn't be concerned about your reaction. It is the way that we act and the things that we do that make us who we are, not the things that we think about. It's ok to overreact sometimes and be over sensitive to things, but if you quickly realise that to be the case, and dont act upon your thoughts, then you arent hurting anyone and you should be happy that you're able to bite your tongue and control yourself.

Also, just to add, I think that it's far better to have children confident enough to interrupt and overstep the mark every so often, than to have children that never interrupt and are too scared to butt in for fear of punishment. I think it will make your children more confident than if they were raised in an environment where they feared speaking out of turn and had to think more carefully before they spoke.

 

[TowerUpright]

Honestly, I do think you're overthinking this. Children are not always the most sensitive, and so interrupting is in my opinion a minor indiscretion that you should be able to overlook unless it happens frequently.

However, if I'm understanding what you've said correctly, you accept that this might be the case anyway. I wouldn't be concerned about your reaction. It is the way that we act and the things that we do that make us who we are, not the things that we think about. It's ok to overreact sometimes and be over sensitive to things, but if you quickly realise that to be the case, and dont act upon your thoughts, then you arent hurting anyone and you should be happy that you're able to bite your tongue and control yourself.

Also, just to add, I think that it's far better to have children confident enough to interrupt and overstep the mark every so often, than to have children that never interrupt and are too scared to butt in for fear of punishment. I think it will make your children more confident than if they were raised in an environment where they feared speaking out of turn and had to think more carefully before they spoke.

That's an excellent point about having children who interrupt as being more confident. Truly, I do. But I can't seem to help me being literally paralyzed when this happens and essentially not being able to move or speak. Heart rate sure goes up, though. Even an excuse me, with them waiting until others stop speaking would help me immensely. Yes, ive tried to say something multiple times (not mentioning my CTB thoughts) . No changes.

I honestly don't know what I'll do if this keeps happening, which I'm sure it will. If I ending up ctbing over sometime like this (not tonight: I'm doped up on prescription benzos), I wouldn't even be able to write a farewell thread, because I'd feel so lame.

God, mental illness and ill learned behavior sucks.

 

[pentobarbitaldreams]

Yeah that pisses me off too. Makes me feel like I'm not important at all in my family. I'm really not.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It doesn't sound like a lame trigger, it sounds like a PTSD trigger. I used to have a similar one about speaking up for myself. I recognized it was a PTSD reaction that I was having, so I did EMDR and discovered the root cause was nothing that I thought it was. I thought it was because of my mother's physical abuse that usually came from her rage reactions to me arguing with her irrationality and speaking up for myself; turned out it was because of a situation where I said something to people and it got turned against me in a really huge way, and I couldn't see how to overcome it, so I just kept quiet.

Even if you can't do EMDR, there are techniques like Tapas Acupressure Technique and Emotional Freedom Technique that can help take the charge off the trigger so that it doesn't control you, your emotions, and your reactions.

Apologies if you didn't want any suggestions, I sincerely don't mean to be intrusive or controlling. I just know how things like this feel, and if there's a possibility to take away their power and help another to get their power back, then I like to offer any resources that have helped me.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Im invisible in my world. I have to ask over 5 times for someone to respond to me, then they proceed not to listen, and subject is usually of important matters. When i manage to talk people usualy cut in between my sentences and change the subject wich ends the whole conversation. I guess i got used to it. It sucks and its rude. I guess you can try to calm down and dont stress too much. Wish they could be more considerate tho. Its just a little quick gesture. But shit. Life still sucks.. Im sorry

 

[TowerUpright]

It doesn't sound like a lame trigger, it sounds like a PTSD trigger. I used to have a similar one about speaking up for myself. I recognized it was a PTSD reaction that I was having, so I did EMDR and discovered the root cause was nothing that I thought it was. I thought it was because of my mother's physical abuse that usually came from her rage reactions to me arguing with her irrationality and speaking up for myself; turned out it was because of a situation where I said something to people and it got turned against me in a really huge way, and I couldn't see how to overcome it, so I just kept quiet.

Even if you can't do EMDR, there are techniques like Tapas Acupressure Technique and Emotional Freedom Technique that can help take the charge off the trigger so that it doesn't control you, your emotions, and your reactions.

Apologies if you didn't want any suggestions, I sincerely don't mean to be intrusive or controlling. I just know how things like this feel, and if there's a possibility to take away their power and help another to get their power back, then I like to offer any resources that have helped me.

I really does feel like being trapped in my own body. I'm also at a point where I'm losing any desire to try to get better. I realize this is a totally irrational reaction on my end. But I'm torn : do I work with my therapist (who is nice.... And that's about it) and speak to my family about watching what to say around me?? Or follow my instincts and CTB?. I know it's getting worse for me as I get older. But I know I'd have a whole new set of issues if everyone tiptoes around me, in case I follow through with a plan.

I never thought of this being PTSD - I've thought that was for either really traumatized people or characters from Netflix's Marvel series (I'm looking at you, Frank Castle). Seriously, my crap is so much less than what some of my friends ( or their friends) have been through. But, maybe you're right.

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[Bct]

I don't think it's lame. Sorry you're being ignored by your own family. It also pisses me off.

 

[Ybother]

Ive been doing pretty well lately with my desire to CTB. Not perfect, but I started to see a trend upwards. And then crap like this happens.

I was engaged in a conversion with my spouse in our den about something important with the family. Then, my youngest daughter ( who is about 9) comes in, interrupting the conversation about a dog she saw being walked and how it looked funny. My spouse stopped our conversation and spoke for about 3 minutes with her about dogs. The my only son walks (who is 15) asking about a raise in allowance and how he deserves more. My spouse talks to him at length about it. The whole time, I physical cannot speak. I was raised in a house where you never interrupted people, especially adults in conversation. Then, after quite a while, with me standing speechless, the conversation ends and my spouse continues to work, which is what I was doing before starting my conversation. After a minute, it was, "Oh, that's right, you were saying something. What was it?" (I'm paraphrasing)

My desire to CTB went through the roof, and I was desperately trying to think of a time I could be isolated for 4 hours.

WTF is wrong with me, that being pushed aside in conversation makes my self-harm instinct shoot through the roof? Does this type of thing happened to others when you're interrupted or people act like you don't exist?? I suppose I'm acting unreasonable to some. Some stories I've heard here and other with friends make something like this seem so petty. And I just don't know how to handle this.

I thought I was the only one who struggled with stuff like this! I hate it when I'm talking to my boyfriend in the car, and he suddenly turns up the radio. OK so that song that you can listen to any time is more important than what I have to say? Another trigger for me is when I'm intentionally left out of a conversation. Like when there is 3 people in the room, It is super rude to address only one.
When I walk into a room, and I see more than one person I say hello to them all. I say some like "how are y'all doing today?"
Maybe that's why I can't make and maintain friendships. I'm too petty. I guess I give up on relating to people. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just keep my mouth shut.

 

[Dookieshoes]

@TowerUpright

In my most humble opinion, I think this arises when your belief system is challenged. I think everyone develops a core system of beliefs over the course of their life based on experience and inherited familial beliefs. When these beliefs are tested I think there is an immense internal struggle.

For example, I posted about leaving a bad marriage. Leading up to the divorce, I started to have thoughts of suicide due to my own belief that marriage was super-duper serious, and a decision you only made once, and it was permanent. I think I got this from a semi-religious childhood coupled with a family that would comment on other family members who have been divorced. It took an incredible amount of energy to re-evaluate that belief and consider what the alternative meant.

In your post, you mentioned that your upbringing taught you that you do not interrupt people when speaking, especially adults. As a result, you probably struggle to interrupt your spouse when the focus of the conversation shifts to your kids. Additionally, there is probably a conflict of beliefs because this is unacceptable to you but acceptable for your spouse.

I don't know what next steps are. I don't even know if this is applicable to you. I'm just offering an opinion based on my own situation. I hope it helps.

 

[TheQ22]

The whole time, I physical cannot speak. I was raised in a house where you never interrupted people, especially adults in conversation.

I've been reading a lot to try and understand my own thoughts and what you're saying there is almost exactly what Pete Walker describes in his amazing book about cPTSD - from surviving to thriving.

Without boring you to death, it's called "toxic shame" and is from where authority figures (like parents) didn't allow you to develop your own feelings and sense of self / own boundaries (Ego), so what you have in your head is their rules (the super ego) dominating your feelings and behaviour (your Id) because you're kind of seeing the world through a parent - child perspective, rather than an adult - adult perspective.

I know that sounds like psycho-babble but that book is highly regarded by a lot of people, and it really helped me to understand why I always felt like an imposter, not good enough, unloveable, etc - I recommend getting a copy and having a read, it's great.