Story Lack of courage

[WorthlessCoward]

New user here, if the name didn't clue you in, I am a worthless coward that is lower than dirt. These last few days I tried killing myself by jumping from a 7th floor and I backed out every single time, words can't describe how much I hate myself for falling to, the disgust I feel for my very being. My life has always been horrible since I was 13 years old but last year was too much, I told myself if things don't get better in 365 days then I would end it all. I know, I know for a fact that my life isn't gonna get better in fact it's gonna get worse and I know that because it has been getting worse year after year after year and still, STILL COULDN'T DO IT. If I still had the capacity to cry, I would be crying right now. I just want the pain to end. I want everything to end.

 

[Avyn]

It sounds like you might not be ready yet. Maybe you should try to give yourself some time, it sounds like you still have some hope left for a brighter future.

Ctb is really hard and I don't blame you for backing out, a lot of us have done the same! SI is hard to overcome, you can try taking drugs, drinking alcohol or taking pills to calm you down, maybe ctb will be easier then. But remember you're absolutely not a coward for changing your mind.
If you want to talk to someone, I'm always here! <3

 

[Shadowlord900]

Don't beat yourself up for not making the jump. I once tried to CTB from jumping, and I even had a much higher drop (from a coastal cliff) that was roughly 100 meters so I would have had very good odds. But the dread of feeling even just a split second of extreme pain was enough to put me off from jumping.

While you're here, if may be worth researching into other methods, you may find one that you'll feel comfortable pulling off. (For my case, I've finally found a few drug overdose methods that actually have a good shot of working unlike my first attempt at a drug overdose with Nytol.)

 

[FuneralCry]

Jumping sounds like a terrifying method to me, and after all as humans we are all programmed to survive, so suicide really isn't something that is straightforward. But I understand why you would feel frustrated at still being here when you just wish to be gone, I really hate how it's this difficult to die and it's true that existing is torture. But anyway, I wish you the best, there really is no peace from suffering to be found in this world.

 

[OceanBlue]

Let's meet up after death and go beat up the creator.

 

[Mirrory Me]

What makes you think things could only get worse? Which perspective would bring you more hope? Happiness is only temporary, just like life. Don't hate yourself because you don't dare to kill yourself, it's just your desire to escape from problems.

 

[charlotte_]

It is totally reasonable to be scared. Humans are designed to avoid death and pain after all, so it's totally natural. Perhaps you're just not ready to do it yet, give yourself some time to calm down and research other methods that will be easier. I hope you the best

 

[ThisIsLife]

It's not cowardness, it's survival instinct. That said, your SI was probably right because your odds of succeeding from the 7th floor were not that good.

-- There was a russian guy who recently survived falling from the 19th floor onto a car. The guy litteraly got up and casually walked, he got away with a concussion and spinal compression. (There's a video somewhere).

The guy survived probably because modern cars crumple on impact and it dispersed an important amount of energy that would otherwise have liquefied him; he most likely landed on a part designed to have a tolerance to flex inward toward the interior of the car.

Things like this are just a friendly reminder that "luck" can ruin our plans very effectively.
(In the russian guy case, chances are he was thrown out of the window and didn't try to jump, but my point still stands.) --

Anyway, don't beat yourself up, being incapable to do it for some time is absolutely normal. It's easy to make the decision but very hard to take action. We are pretty much all wired the same way because SI is "engineered" to make us avoid life threatening situations at all cost and we have it laser engraved deep in our cells/dna.

I believe that fighting SI requires more thinking than it requires courage. It takes a lot of time for your brain to sort through the pros and cons and i believe that people who choose (or can't choose anything but) a very violent method for example, are courageous yes but above all convinced.

Maybe you're just not ready yet, maybe it's not your time, maybe you haven't given enough thought, maybe something or someone inconsciously makes you stay, but you definitely need to not rush things and accept that changing your mind is not a weakness.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Thanks for the encouraging (heh) words guys, I appreciate it. Also I forgot to mention this but I tried three times during three consecutive days, first day sober, second and third day high on diazepan, zilch, nada.

Maybe you're just not ready yet, maybe it's not your time, maybe you haven't given enough thought, maybe something or someone inconsciously makes you stay, but you definitely need to not rush things and accept that changing your mind is not a weakness.

Words can't express how much I hate this sophism

What makes you think things could only get worse?

32 years worth of experience

 

[Riu]

Man, jumping off a building sure is scary, what if you survive for a bit and have to suffer.

 

[WorthlessCoward]

Just aim with your head, always remember that guy that from jumping those metro things (forgot what they were called, stalls?) the ones you're supposed to pay to use the metro, less than a feet away, feel on his head, dead.

 

[Mirrory Me]

32 years worth of experience

We are the same age. Somehow I have always thought that I am so weak that I have no place in this life. However, life's obstacles have taught me that I am persistent and reasonable when necessary.

 

[ThisIsLife]

Words can't express how much I hate this sophism

I meant changing your mind temporarily.
Taking one step back doesn't mean you won't be able to take two forward later and successfully CTB.

 

[momdontcryplease]

yes I agree

ctb is actually very easy for me in theory i just can't fucking find the courage

i think of ancient people and how they ctb in the most brutal ways and i wonder how they did it