Venting Lacan, objet petit a, the real, and how it ties into why I want to ctb

[TheLastK]

Currently on a holiday with my friend, he's been teaching me about Lacanian psychoanalysis. I have a fairly decent grasp on psychoanalysis but not in terms of Jacques Lacan. Anyways, he introduced me to the concept of objet petit a, or the object of desire, an unachievable thing that when hypothetically achieved will grant us happiness. He also introduced me to the concept of the trio of the imaginary, the symbolic, and the real. Without getting too deep into my bad explanations, the first two are how we interpret the world, while the real is what the world truly is. Apologies to anyone with genuine experience in psychoanalysis who are disgusted by my bad explanations.
This all, for me, gives me a more nuanced understanding of why I must ctb. Exposure to the real is disturbing to most people (Zizek gave a rather crass example of giving oral sex to someone with a vagina, built up in your head as this fantastical thing, but then smelling the very human smells that come from the organ and realising that this is what reality truly is, and being disturbed and confused by the contradiction in your head).
I feel I am constantly more and more being exposed to the real. My fantasy world consists of me and my friends remaining loyal to eachother, yet every now and again, with increasing frequency, people just drop me out of nowhere, for petty to nonexistent reasons. Who will be the next to do it? My understanding of reality, the things that keep me alive, are constantly being crushed and yet I'm expected to keep going. The object of desire is truly unattainable, even if I got the things I think I want a new thing would arise. I will never be happy or even contended, it's just a constant struggle to reach the unattainable.
I told my friend that I wanted to ctb. He took it surprisingly well, but was still encouraging me not to do it. He saw me have a minor argument with someone else over the phone who was acting irrationally to save their ego, a person who I deeply care for and am now worried will abandon me too. He was honest and said there is no reason to live, but there is no reason to die. I wish I could believe the second half, but I need things to improve in the next 3 months or I am going to ctb (didn't tell him this). He only said the second half of that quote because he doesn't want me to die out of basic human empathy.
I haven't heard any good news in about 2 years. My life is going consistently downhill at a pace that is gradual enough that people don't notice. People tell me I am not trying hard enough as if I have never even tried before. I'm sick of hearing the same shit over and over again, I'm sick of having to worry about people leaving me, I'm sick of being alive. Despite why my friend says, I am going to do this. Have a lot of notes to write. Over the next 3 months I'll be here sporadically, but I have to go before the new year, I am not having 2023 on my gravestone. It's a shame in some ways, there is so much of the world I wanted to experience but won't be able to. I just hope the people who still care about me somewhat will understand.
The real is something I want to experience but cannot face.

My friends and family won't understand
So I stay in the end, don't make none to me
If wasn't for them, I'd make that decision on GP
Had to do it all again, I'd make that decision on GP

(Sorry for the cringe at the end there)

 

[catflowers]

it isn't cringe i do agree with you

 

[TheLastK]

it isn't cringe i do agree with you

Thank you, I more meant the song lyrics at the end though haha. Its happening before the new year, just need to get my hands on some equipment.

 

[catflowers]

Thank you, I more meant the song lyrics at the end though haha. Its happening before the new year, just need to get my hands on some equipment.

I know you feel like that for a good reason

 

[flightless bird]

The hidden purpose of desire is to keep itself alive. The concept of object a literally made me understand life.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my opinion, I would never see it as a good idea talking to non suicidal people about wanting to leave this world. They would never really understand as they are not experiencing life the same way as us and they would likely just invalidate suffering. I think that being suicidal can be just seeing the world for what it really is. Life can be very cruel and disappointing and we live in a world where things can very easily get worse. I wish you the best.

 

[TheLastK]

In my opinion, I would never see it as a good idea talking to non suicidal people about wanting to leave this world. They would never really understand as they are not experiencing life the same way as us and they would likely just invalidate suffering. I think that being suicidal can be just seeing the world for what it really is. Life can be very cruel and disappointing and we live in a world where things can very easily get worse. I wish you the best.

Person I was talking to, without giving too much away, was once suicidal but is now very much in recovery. It was refreshing how he wasn't invalidating, but no one, not even here, would tell you in good faith to ctb.
I think personally being suicidal is seeing the world for what it really is and not being able to accept it, often due to circumstances of the person's life. This is, as far as I'm aware, exposure to the real, or at least a fraction of the real.

 

[whatevs]

Hmm I guess Zizek has actual experiences licking cunts? I can't say either way, I have never done it. Intuitively it must be sort of gross but they say lust makes what is otherwise gross something pleasurable. Sucking on a dick is exactly the same, we pee from there and urine is universally reviled.

Person I was talking to, without giving too much away, was once suicidal but is now very much in recovery. It was refreshing how he wasn't invalidating, but no one, not even here, would tell you in good faith to ctb.
I think personally being suicidal is seeing the world for what it really is and not being able to accept it, often due to circumstances of the person's life. This is, as far as I'm aware, exposure to the real, or at least a fraction of the real.

Nobody sees the world as it is truly is as we aren't equipped for that but probably suicidal people are tapping into an aspect of reality everyone else is running from. And at the same time probably can't perceive what gives the joyful ones strength and warmth.

 

[TheLastK]

Hmm I guess Zizek has actual experiences licking cunts? I can't say either way, I have never done it. Intuitively it must be sort of gross but they say lust makes what is otherwise gross something pleasurable. Sucking on a dick is exactly the same, we pee from there and urine is universally reviled.

I think he's been married about 4 times or so, I'd imagine at least one of his wives liked oral sex. I guess it's the idea before someone actually does it, what the vagina, or rather the person themselves, represents sexually and how it goes excites someone, and how smelling all the piss, dead skin and anything else that might also be down there doesn't match up. The symbolic and the imaginary is shattered by the real.

Nobody sees the world as it is truly is as we aren't equipped for that but probably suicidal people are tapping into an aspect of reality everyone else is running from. And at the same time probably can't perceive what gives the joyful ones strength and warmth.

I think a reason why many people are suicidal, or the very least just myself, is how we perceive a part of the real and realise that our fantasy world is an unachievable thing and being unable to accept that. Personally I feel pathetic for not achieving what I want to achieve.

 

[kitch]

My tangental response is that I am thinking about the difference betweena an 'idealized' reality and an 'idealized' process.

It seems to me that a survival mode that is 'successful' ( not necessarily 'true' ) is to practice some kind of process that 'gets us through' .

Psychoanalysis itself ( from my uneducated perspective ... a potentially expanding , growing active awareness of our consciousness.

I see people who adhere to some mode of living (religious , exercise , 'passionate hobbys' ) as more 'adjusted' than myself . I have always failed to adhere to any process at all .
I admire the 'vituous processors' at the same time as being pessimistically cynical .

 

[wait.what]

Interesting—I don't think I'd heard of Lacan before.

It seems like a lot of people want to ctb because of mismatches between expectations and reality. I would not have expected that. I have to admit, I find it a strange motivation. I don't want to see anyone gatekeep over it though, because that's how you get weird-ass people deciding "rationally" who's too useful to be permitted to die and who's basically a heap of trash anyway, so it's better if they croak.

Personally, my ctb reasons mostly amount to chronic pain, although only some of it is physical in the sense of "Ow, my foot hurts. Ow, my back hurts. Ow, my eye hurts…" Some of it appears to be bizarro metabolic shit that causes what reads as anxiety and depression, and I guess that's what it is, although you can't treat it with your standard SSRI's and "tell me about your mother." Or rather, you can, but it doesn't help. I've had more luck treating it by alternative means, and might have just resigned myself to limp on like that until I died of cancer or heart disease or terminal stupidity or whatever it is old, fat Americans die of.

The country I live in is probably entering a death spiral though, and that'll be a nightmare for old crippled people as it is. I'm also extremely queer and extremely unapologetic about it, and I fucking HATE bullies. Bullying's our national pastime, so one of these days I'm going to get myself picked off in a way that will be a lot worse than I'd like.

Having had a shit childhood, I know quite well what denizens of this Shining City on a Hill are like when they feel entitled to a little recreational sadism. Whether I end up ctb or I get put on it forcibly by my neighbors, it won't be pretty. So yeah … may just decide to head out early.