Discussion Labels: You Are Here

[NodusTollens]

From the day we're born, we are the subject of labels, judgement & preconceived notions based on the bias of others?

How does that make you feel?

Do you lean in, accept the label, & find a sense of comfort/belonging?

Or
​

Do you reject labels? They're a cause of distress, or feel othering.

—————————​

Today was the first day in a long time that I've practiced partial. Following this, I was feeling mixed emotions, alternating between calm & pangs of anxiety. While filling my time (I really don't want to dwell on my reasons for wanting to CTB, but my brain loves to torture me) I started thinking off & on about how people see me. No doubt some would call me pathetic, selfish, weird, stupid, etc., & others have told me things like I'm caring, ambitious, "destined for greatness." (By far the hardest to hear given my low self esteem/worth)

These examples, all of which have been said to my face, are reflections of how I'm perceived... but how do I see me? I used to think they gave me a sense of belonging like being an emo kids in my teens. Now, I'm not so sure, even down to my official diagnoses.

 

[Weary Soul]

Oi - so many labels. I fought them - got me in so much trouble.

It really annoys me when other people look at me through their goggles of life and try to slap a label on me and tell me who I am in their mind.

Their mind is rife with their own preconceived notions - please, do not label me with them.

So how that made me feel - extremely annoyed and kinda hopeless that they would ever understand who I really was.

 

[Ghost2211]

I honestly don't care how people labeled me.

 

[xLosthopex]

Depends on what context

 

[Weary Soul]

Depends on what context

Very good point. I was the scapegoat of my family - the one who was extremely abused, which is why I answered the way I did.

You make an excellent point here though - it definitely depends on the context.

 

[NodusTollens]

Oi - so many labels. I fought them - got me in so much trouble.

It really annoys me when other people look at me through their goggles of life and try to slap a label on me and tell me who I am in their mind.

Their mind is rife with their own preconceived notions - please, do not label me with them.

So how that made me feel - extremely annoyed and kinda hopeless that they would ever understand who I really was.

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time with being labelled. How do you "pushback" against other who've labelled you?

I tend to internalize their words before I am able to "I am rubber, you are glue" them. I tend to crumble in private away from others, then gradually slink away from whomever said it, social isolation or distance myself from them in general. Only in the last two years have I been able to stand up for myself.

 

[Weary Soul]

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough time with being labelled. How do you "pushback" against other who've labelled you?

I tend to internalize their words before I am able to "I am rubber, you are glue" them. I tend to crumble in private away from others, then gradually slink away from whomever said it, social isolation or distance myself from them in general. Only in the last two years have I been able to stand up for myself.

When I was younger, I very much believed what they said about me - aka, internalized their words at some level and I think that this has stuck with me over time even though I am aware of it.

As a child, I pushed back using logic (cause what the did/said made no sense) - and they could not handle it and their default mode was to beat me when I was right... they could not refute what I said, so they used their fists to beat me into submission.

And yes, I crumbled - but only in private, because to show them weakness was to give them ammunition to hurt me more.

As I got older, I realized that I have had so much pain in my life that I refuse to deal with toxic people anymore, ever, so I cut them out of my life permanently.

I typically gave people chances, everyone has a bad day including me, but when it becomes a pervasive pattern - that is it. Done.

I also learned about healthy boundaries (was never taught this when I was younger), and if one crosses those boundaries again and again - Done.

I have had way too much abuse and pain in my life to put up with other peoples dysfunction and cruelty toward me anymore. (irl)

That being said, I still feel that pain to this day and struggle to deal with it.

What you described sounds so similar, I am sorry you experienced this. It is devastating.

<3

 

[NodusTollens]

I honestly don't care how people labeled me.

I wish. That's a pipe dream for me.

 

[Weary Soul]

Forgot to mention - even though this method worked, it also hurt me. Now I am pretty much alone with no one to help me with my finances and TBI. Were I healthy, I would be fine with it. But my head injury is so bad I actually forget to eat, among other things - so I do need help.

And yet, at the same time, I am not willing to pay the price for that help.

So in essence, I had a choice to put up with other's labels or fight them. I fought them (they were extremely nasty), but it came with a steep price.

If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would pick my friends (had no choice with family), very, very carefully.

<3

 

[NodusTollens]

When I was younger, I very much believed what they said about me - aka, internalized their words at some level and I think that this has stuck with me over time even though I am aware of it.

As a child, I pushed back using logic (cause what the did/said made no sense) - and they could not handle it and their default mode was to beat me when I was right... they could not refute what I said, so they used their fists to beat me into submission.

And yes, I crumbled - but only in private, because to show them weakness was to give them ammunition to hurt me more.

As I got older, I realized that I have had so much pain in my life that I refuse to deal with toxic people anymore, ever, so I cut them out of my life permanently.

I typically gave people chances, everyone has a bad day including me, but when it becomes a pervasive pattern - that is it. Done.

I also learned about healthy boundaries (was never taught this when I was younger), and if one crosses those boundaries again and again - Done.

I have had way too much abuse and pain in my life to put up with other peoples dysfunction and cruelty toward me anymore. (irl)

That being said, I still feel that pain to this day and struggle to deal with it.

What you described sounds so similar, I am sorry you experienced this. It is devastating.

<3

While I feel apologetic and empathetic towards the pain you've endured/continue to endure, I am glad to hear that you've been able to stand up to those people. It's incredibly difficult to do especially when you are used to people berating/being generally negative towards you.


I, myself, just arrived at that conclusion at some point during 2018; though now it feels like I've gone to the other extreme. I've been shutting everyone out. I feel like I can't trust anyone irl.
Thanks for chatting with me.

Forgot to mention - even though this method worked, it also hurt me. Now I am pretty much alone with no one to help me with my finances and TBI. Were I healthy, I would be fine with it. But my head injury is so bad I actually forget to eat, among other things - so I do need help.

And yet, at the same time, I am not willing to pay the price for that help.

So in essence, I had a choice to put up with other's labels or fight them. I fought them (they were extremely nasty), but it came with a steep price.

If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would pick my friends (had no choice with family), very, very carefully.

<3

Oh, no. :[ I didn't realize you were going through so much. I do agree, it is hard to be lone when dealing with health concerns. My situation isn't quite like yours, though, I understand the diffult decision between, essentially, your self-worth & camaraderie/belong. & yes, I definitely agree with that sentiment! I wish I had been much choosier about who I let into my inner circle.

I currently live alone, though I have previously lived with roommates. & I would rather live alone in pain than move back in with family. Even though it feels horrible to be alone when I can barely move, the emotional pain made me feel worse.

 

[Weary Soul]

" Even though it feels horrible to be alone when I can barely move, the emotional pain made me feel worse."

So very true for me, and thank you too :)

 

[MindFog]

I cannot escape the labels, mainly because i wanted to fit them. Too bad i can't. The expectations has been too much for me. I'd rather be called filth, at least you cant get anything out of it.

 

[elfgyoza]

I cannot escape the labels, mainly because i wanted to fit them. Too bad i can't. The expectations has been too much for me. I'd rather be called filth, at least you cant get anything out of it.

I feel you, I've spent my entire life feeling like an alien, desperately trying to latch on to any label I could to give me some sense of belonging. Expectations really pressure you, even more so if you can't live up to them

 

[Quiet Desperation]

My thought is that measuring yourself by other people's labels and reactions is kind of like looking at yourself through a number of warped mirrors. Each one is bent or twisted just a little differently, so none of them give an accurate picture of who you are, and none of them can really see inside of you to who you really are as a person, only your superficial appearance. Only you can decide who you really are. I can understand that might be a tough pill to swallow when your brain has turned on you too.

 

[NodusTollens]

I cannot escape the labels, mainly because i wanted to fit them. Too bad i can't. The expectations has been too much for me. I'd rather be called filth, at least you cant get anything out of it.

Sorry to hear that labelling has had such an impact on you. It creates such a minefield of problems that we have to learn to navigate before we're even old enough to know who we are.

I can understand wanting to lean into them, it's safer sometimes to becomes someone else.

*hugs*

— — — —​

My thought is that measuring yourself by other people's labels and reactions is kind of like looking at yourself through a number of warped mirrors. Each one is bent or twisted just a little differently, so none of them give an accurate picture of who you are, and none of them can really see inside of you to who you really are as a person, only your superficial appearance. Only you can decide who you really are. I can understand that might be a tough pill to swallow when your brain has turned on you too.

Oh, I know that viewing myself through the lens of other is detrimental, the problem is breaking the cycle. Years of trauma isn't exactly erased simply because I know it's not healthy. I'm in my 30s, it's not something to just be turned off.

I do agree, however, with the remainder of your statement.

 

[Captive of Mind]

From the day we're born, we are the subject of labels, judgement & preconceived notions based on the bias of others?

How does that make you feel?

Do you lean in, accept the label, & find a sense of comfort/belonging?

Or
​

Do you reject labels? They're a cause of distress, or feel othering.

—————————​

Today was the first day in a long time that I've practiced partial. Following this, I was feeling mixed emotions, alternating between calm & pangs of anxiety. While filling my time (I really don't want to dwell on my reasons for wanting to CTB, but my brain loves to torture me) I started thinking off & on about how people see me. No doubt some would call me pathetic, selfish, weird, stupid, etc., & others have told me things like I'm caring, ambitious, "destined for greatness." (By far the hardest to hear given my low self esteem/worth)

These examples, all of which have been said to my face, are reflections of how I'm perceived... but how do I see me? I used to think they gave me a sense of belonging like being an emo kids in my teens. Now, I'm not so sure, even down to my official diagnoses.

I'm somewhere in between. We're all forced to lean in and accept labels sometimes, but there is a big part of me that wants to reject it all.

This is a competition and judgement contest where you are labeled and criticized for anything you do. Your intentions don't matter as much as what people perceive them as. All that matters are results and performance, and people want you to say and do only what they think is right and if you don't then you're looked down on. Which is totally understandable. Everyone has a nice little game set up and I don't play it right.

Don't see much of a reason to continue a game that makes you feel awful every day. In fact, I'd be confused as to why people are forcing me to play it.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

Oh, I know that viewing myself through the lens of other is detrimental, the problem is breaking the cycle. Years of trauma isn't exactly erased simply because I know it's not healthy. I'm in my 30s, it's not something to just be turned off.

I do agree, however, with the remainder of your statement.

I get it, I'm in my 40s and I have struggled with it too in the past. That's just kind of where I ended up landing philosophically. I know how it feels to be resigned to your fate, I feel the same way.

 

[NodusTollens]

I'm somewhere in between. We're all forced to lean in and accept labels sometimes, but there is a big part of me that wants to reject it all.

This whole competition and judgement contest where you are labeled and criticized for anything you do. Your intentions don't matter as much as what people perceive them as. All that matters are results and performance, and people want you to say and do only what they think is right and if you don't then you're looked down on. Which is totally understandable. Everyone has a nice little game set up and I don't play it right.

Don't see much of a reason to continue a game that makes you feel awful every day. In fact, I'd be confused as to why people are forcing me to play it.

I couldn't agree more.

I find myself oscillating between wanting to be the person people believe I am (when it's positive), & trying to be my own person. All my life I have been told what I am/am not, & if not for someone asking me an innocent question, I don't know that I could have even snapped out of it. It feels like brainwashing.

I get it, I'm in my 40s and I have struggled with it too in the past. That's just kind of where I ended up landing philosophically. I know how it feels to be resigned to your fate, I feel the same way.

Oh okay, I see. If you don't mind, how did you reach that point philosophically?

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

Oh okay, I see. If you don't mind, how did you reach that point philosophically?

Thanks for sharing.

Hmm... I guess mostly through some experiences I had over the years, and then reflecting on them afterwards. When I was younger I was super concerned about what people thought of me. It really impacted my already limited interactions with other people, pretty much all negatively because I was so worried about it. Over and over I'd be hurt by what people thought, and finally I just got tired of living like that. I figured that I already had a hard enough time taking care of myself without letting other people's opinions have so much power over me.

More recently, an ex of mine was heavily invested in appearances and constantly worried "what would people think" and it ended up being so important to her that it took priority over our relationship. I never wanted to feel that way again, and I guess that was what really hardened my opinion.

 

[NodusTollens]

Oh.. wow, well I know this won't change anything, but I'm sorry you had to deal with so much, including her affinity for appearances; it sounds like it would have been a stifling energies to try to navigate.

The concern of what others think of us as youth almost feels compulsive, especially since we're looking for somewhere to belong independent of our parents/caregivers. It's comforting to hear that you've managed to navigate through the limitations/falsehoods that were placed on you.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

Oh.. wow, well I know this won't change anything, but I'm sorry you had to deal with so much, including her affinity for appearances; it sounds like it would have been a stifling energies to try to navigate.

Thanks, I appreciate that. I won't go on too much more about it here since I don't want to derail your thread further than I already have.

The concern of what others think of us as youth almost feels compulsive, especially since we're looking for somewhere to belong independent of our parents/caregivers. It's comforting to hear that you've managed to navigate through the limitations/falsehoods that were placed on you.

I think in some ways it is natural, because we want to be liked and respected by our peers. Speaking purely for myself, it just took time for me to realize that this was kind of a hollow metric to use to measure self worth. For good or ill, I believe that happiness is mostly an internal thing. It still feels good to get positive feedback and still feels bad to get negative feedback though.

I guess I did navigate it in my own way, but in the end we're both here on SS, so I definitely don't have all the answers. It's just that if I took everything that people said about me to heart I think I simply wouldn't have made it this far.

 

[NodusTollens]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I won't go on too much more about it here since I don't want to derail your thread further than I already have.


I think in some ways it is natural, because we want to be liked and respected by our peers. Speaking purely for myself, it just took time for me to realize that this was kind of a hollow metric to use to measure self worth. For good or ill, I believe that happiness is mostly an internal thing. It still feels good to get positive feedback and still feels bad to get negative feedback though.

I guess I did navigate it in my own way, but in the end we're both here on SS, so I definitely don't have all the answers. It's just that if I took everything that people said about me to heart I think I simply wouldn't have made it this far.

You're welcome, & I respect that.

You're right, it is a hollow metric, ever changing and without set criteria or guidelines. I suppose because I have no real view of myself, save for negative, I have a tendency to seek the positive feedback from others because positive thoughts about myself are short lived & easily altered. I don't do it nearly as much as I used to, but it is still a struggle. Particularly if I don't get the level of positivity I was hoping for or if I'm dismissed when I am looking for acceptance/approval/sense of belonging.

& though we don't have it all figured, I find it's nice to find like minds & share experiences. Makes this rock feel a lot less lonely.

Thanks again.

 

[Quiet Desperation]

You're welcome, & I respect that.

You're right, it is a hollow metric, ever changing and without set criteria or guidelines. I suppose because I have no real view of myself, save for negative, I have a tendency to seek the positive feedback from others because positive thoughts about myself are short lived & easily altered. I don't do it nearly as much as I used to, but it is still a struggle. Particularly if I don't get the level of positivity I was hoping for or if I'm dismissed when I am looking for acceptance/approval/sense of belonging.

That's totally understandable, and I think you put your finger right on the truth of it there. We all have different ways of trying to fill that void and feel better about ourselves. For me, I always wanted to fill the hole with a relationship, which isn't very healthy either. For what my 2 cents are worth, you are enough just as you are even if you don't always believe it.

& though we don't have it all figured, I find it's nice to find like minds & share experiences. Makes this rock feel a lot less lonely.

Thanks again.

It definitely is nice. Enjoyed chatting with you.

 

[NodusTollens]

That's totally understandable, and I think you put your finger right on the truth of it there. We all have different ways of trying to fill that void and feel better about ourselves. For me, I always wanted to fill the hole with a relationship, which isn't very healthy either. For what my 2 cents are worth, you are enough just as you are even if you don't always believe it.


It definitely is nice. Enjoyed chatting with you.

Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment. :)

 

[Sensei]

I actually wish I could be labeled; I've been told I don't really fit any label. This has been a social handicap for me as people find individuals who can't be labeled strange and unpredictable.

 

[grungeCat]

Yes, people has given me lots of abusing labels... I guess I have had some sort of a cognitive dissonance and I literally became what people call me. I know it's the best to ignore them but it's not that simple. I can't handle this so I escape reality as often as I can.

 

[NodusTollens]

I actually wish I could be labeled; I've been told I don't really fit any label. This has been a social handicap for me as people find individuals who can't be labeled strange and unpredictable.

That's unfortunate, sorry to hear you've felt alienated socially. :/

& that's an interesting perspective that I hadn't considered. While I've never felt like I belonged anywhere, I can't say I've ever desired to be labelled by anyone, except medical professionals ( & even then, I feel I'm growing skeptical). It typically feels negative or backhand when I receive them.

Yes, people has given me lots of abusing labels... I guess I have had some sort of a cognitive dissonance and I literally became what people call me. I know it's the best to ignore them but it's not that simple. I can't handle this so I escape reality as often as I can.

Oh no. That's sad to hear, it sounds like people have been awful to you. =[ It especially sad when it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, you didn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

[grungeCat]

Oh no. That's sad to hear, it sounds like people have been awful to you. =[ It especially sad when it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, you didn't deserve to be treated that way.

Thank you for the empathy, it means a lot to me.