etrnllxid
blunt
- Aug 9, 2023
- 50
What a time to be alive in the grand scheme of the universe, I was cursed with a flawed existence that has impeded goals that I have struck out to achieve. I've always known that I was fated to live this life from the moment I knew how different I was, the futility of thinking "what if" is just delusions. In all ways I've failed the checklist of life, copulating, belonging to a community, Lasting relationships & Perusing hobbies. Recollecting this is like CIA torture on the mind, to be burdened with memories of pain that I know will never fade is hell but on top of that to know that this was selected for as a trait passed down from Homonids is the ultimate fuck you. If I was different I'd still have to operate similarly due to biology.
In essence I'm a human that can't function in this world, I can't and thus won't conform to the hierarchical system of this world I was born into. An Alien amongst my own people.
I'm on a hyper aware tangent but I'm alive and just observing my surroundings. I'm a vessel driven by instinct, composed of millions of cells working to keep my system functioning, against my will. It is that same component, that primitive "instinct" that halts me the moment before CTB. In the past I used to overlook it but you can really see how this effects everything from decision making, to practically everything.
This could come off as a cringe read but I hate being alive, and I hate being a human. "Eat, Sleep, Drink, Sex,Socialize" I used to think my life was beyond the likes of animals, I never considered humans animals to begin with until someone told me, squarely putting the idea into my head. Then I was able to see the parallels in our lives. We're so similar, yet our existence is made better due to technological advancements however due to that it can be seen as making our lives equally worse. Concepts of the past and future is so overwhelming and overbearing it's akin to being crushed by a weight. I'm cursed with this life, cursed by the actions of those before me cursed with memory and intelligence from early humans, Cursed slave 2/3rd's of my life to work because in our current society if we all quit it crumbles.
I believe there's no one who hates themselves more than me. I dread life and I sincerely think that it couldn't be different otherwise. From the moment I was born It couldn't be otherwise
In essence I'm a human that can't function in this world, I can't and thus won't conform to the hierarchical system of this world I was born into. An Alien amongst my own people.
I'm on a hyper aware tangent but I'm alive and just observing my surroundings. I'm a vessel driven by instinct, composed of millions of cells working to keep my system functioning, against my will. It is that same component, that primitive "instinct" that halts me the moment before CTB. In the past I used to overlook it but you can really see how this effects everything from decision making, to practically everything.
This could come off as a cringe read but I hate being alive, and I hate being a human. "Eat, Sleep, Drink, Sex,Socialize" I used to think my life was beyond the likes of animals, I never considered humans animals to begin with until someone told me, squarely putting the idea into my head. Then I was able to see the parallels in our lives. We're so similar, yet our existence is made better due to technological advancements however due to that it can be seen as making our lives equally worse. Concepts of the past and future is so overwhelming and overbearing it's akin to being crushed by a weight. I'm cursed with this life, cursed by the actions of those before me cursed with memory and intelligence from early humans, Cursed slave 2/3rd's of my life to work because in our current society if we all quit it crumbles.
I believe there's no one who hates themselves more than me. I dread life and I sincerely think that it couldn't be different otherwise. From the moment I was born It couldn't be otherwise
Gross...
