Venting Knowing that if life doesn’t work out, I can CTB, is calming

[ThatStateOfMind]

For me, it's pleasant to know that if nothing works out for me, and I can't seem to enjoy life, I can always CTB. Right now feels too early to make such a decision, and I want it to be well-informed if I do. It's actually the reason I haven't bought SN or even asked for a source. I imagine by the time I feel I'm ready, if I do decide to CTB, the source will probably be new or if I can't find a source, I'll find another method.

Life rn seems really rough but I'm trying to push through it, mainly a huge driving force is hope that me and my ex will get back together, but that hope is fleeting away day by day. Talking to her nonetheless still helps.

It's just bewildering that she's risking her bf finding out about her talking to me, and him possibly getting really pissed at her for even speaking to me. He talks to his ex but he says "she's different" to my ex. I guess she's one of the few ppl in my life who really cares.

I can't really tell if my mom does anymore, I feel like she's just sick of my bullshit, it's half the reason I want to CTB, so I won't be a burden on her.

I'm feeling kinda down tonight, I don't really know why, my nose hurts because it's bruised and that sucks as well but I suppose I'm happy it isn't broken. I love all of you guys here, I enjoy talking to you all, and it's great to be able to post here.

I don't know what the point of this vent is anymore, I guess I got sidetracked a little but anyways, if life doesn't get better, knowing CTB'ing is always an option is very calming to me. I'm very at peace with the idea of death, only unsettles me to think of the people it will hurt.

 

[imcadt99]

I received my SN recently, though I intend for it to be a backup method, and it is very calming knowing I have the ability to relatively painlessly end my life at any time. A lot of my day to day fear was worrying about being trapped in a miserable existence forced to settle for a more painful solution. Society constantly stamping out less painful solutions as if to continue our torture. I believe I speak for many others when I point out the irony that making it a race against time only hastens some suicidal people's deaths.

If you are unsure given your current circumstances though that is perfectly valid. I've held out hope for many years since my last attempt and I am now resolute in my decision. I agree that you should give yourself time to feel out the trajectory of your life and society more broadly even if recent events have driven you into a deeper depression.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I received my SN recently, though I intend for it to be a backup method, and it is very calming knowing I have the ability to relatively painlessly end my life at any time. A lot of my day to day fear was worrying about being trapped in a miserable existence forced to settle for a more painful solution. Society constantly stamping out less painful solutions as if to continue our torture. I believe I speak for many others when I point out the irony that making it a race against time only hastens some suicidal people's deaths.

If you are unsure given your current circumstances though that is perfectly valid. I've held out hope for many years since my last attempt and I am now resolute in my decision. I agree that you should give yourself time to feel out the trajectory of your life and society more broadly even if recent events have driven you into a deeper depression.

Yeah, I'm sorry society has pushed you to being absolute, and certain in your decision to ctb, but I agree. I want to give it time because I do think things can get better. I never wanna feel like I'm being too hasty in my decision. Besides, the more thought out, the less likely to fail.

 

[Asphyxiater]

To have resources to CTB kinda helps. You can try your luck with life and if it fails, you have the material to end it all. This reminds me of Brian from Family Guy explaining why he owns a gun

 

[AllMyDreams]

This makes a lot of sense. Actually some people in Belgium who were granted permission for euthanasia have said that knowing they could ctb at any time gave them the ability to be happier in life. Knowing you have an emergency break and don't have to be trapped in life for many decades takes the pressure off you in a lot of ways. I also agree with @imcadt99, don't make a decision to ctb unless you're entirely sure. It's clear that you still feel like you have something to live for.

It sounds to me like you are relying on other people (your ex) too much for making your life worth living. I think it's awesome that you were able to love your ex as much as you have; so many people never get the chance to love in that way. But ultimately the main source of love in your life has to come from yourself. So that no matter what happens with your ex, or your mom, you are still loved by yourself, you see yourself as a valuable person who has done/experienced many good things, even though you've experienced many bad ('interesting') things as well. If you love yourself in this way, and project to others that you are content by yourself, then other people will also gravitate toward you more.

Also with your nose, you can try fixating on how happy you are that it isn't broken, instead of how annoyed you are that is was bruised. I hate hate hate when stuff happens to my body because I feel 'broken' after. I chipped my tooth the other day, and I just tried to focus on that it was a small chip and I didn't need to go to the dentist for it, and that made me feel so grateful inside.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find the thought of death to be very comforting personally, I've never actually feared death in any way, in fact it's what I view as being the only relief. I certainly think that it would make life more bearable for people in general if assisted suicide was legalised, so people would know that they have the option of a guaranteed way out. But I think that it's true that the thought of ctb can be calming for many people, especially if they have the option of a reliable method.