Venting Knowing suicide is not an option is even worse,

[Nobodysfault]

Yeap its my second venting today..


Knowing suicide is not an option is even worse, it terrifies me because it will bring me to a final lost of the little sanity i still hold onto. Seriously, it doesnt mean compromising on life- it means losing my mind and make things worse beyond any imagination( yes it can and it WILL GET WORSE FOR ME,EVEN WHEN I THINK IT CANT, THERE IS NO BOTTOM).


Im both afraid and dont have a lot of time until the choice wont be mine..I am currently under house arrest, my trial is soon and they want me in jail for 5 years (cause of weed..).my lawyer told me i must hospitalize myself for the sake of the trial- but i cant and wont get myself to do it. So yeah, ive got to ctb before the trial cause in jail/madhouse i cant...


Nobody wants to die for fun, we do it because we have no choice- its either burn or jump.

my biggest fear is realizing im too afraid to commit suicide(jump) and then burn slowly for 80 years, lighting up on fire anyone i come in touch with, keep on wanting but too afraid to jump even though staying in the flames is worse and i cause more harm to my self and others by that.


im paralyzed. i want to die because its the rational thing to do (for me) and its hard to take that step.

for the sake of the following example, imagine i want to live-

It feels as if im on a plane that is about to crash into a mountain, everyone jump using a parachute yelling for me to jump for my life and im too afraid to jump so i crash into the mountain and die - choosing (worse) by unchoosing. I want to commit suicide but cant..

So im waiting and wishing to get terminally ill naturally..and it comes into a point where im making it worse by staying, and it keep getting worse and i dont have the balls to stop it and kill myself! Not even buying a rope or picking up the knife. Nothing,i just stay in bed and wish to die,soon to be held in a cell and 100% not being able to kill myself. Why?! I know that i need to ctb, it doesnt come solely from being sad rather than being rational but im too much of a chicken to do so even though ive got to! I guess its natural but i have no support.. How to overcome the fear of suicide and just do it?

 

[Walilamdzi]

Are you serious? Jail for 5 years, for weed? That's fucked.

Not quite sure what you mean about the fire thing.

 

[Kyrok]

I'm assuming you're in one of the prohibitionists states. If it is simple possession or could be reduced to that, see if you can get a continuance for a few more months. Rumors are that Congress will vote on MJ in June. If you still can, seek a jury trial and hope for nullification.

 

[Jc40]

I'm sorry that is incredibly tough. Im shocked you'll get a 5year sentence, that is fucked up. Why won't you go to hospital if it'll help your trial? Or have I misread wrong. I'm sorry its happening to you for sure

 

[Walilamdzi]

Yes, maybe you will get a reduced sentence from going to hospital?

 

[Nobodysfault]

I'm assuming you're in one of the prohibitionists states. If it is simple possession or could be reduced to that, see if you can get a continuance for a few more months. Rumors are that Congress will vote on MJ in June. If you still can, seek a jury trial and hope for nullification.

Im not from the us, there is no jury from where im from

I'm sorry that is incredibly tough. Im shocked you'll get a 5year sentence, that is fucked up. Why won't you go to hospital if it'll help your trial? Or have I misread wrong. I'm sorry its happening to you for sure

It will help me get reduced punishment but i feel like being hospitalized will drive me crazy. Its not like i want to die because of prison and by avoiding sentence ill wanna live, i want to die because of much bigger shit than that,prison is nothing comparing to why i want to die.. anyway im kind of waiting to die and cant get myself to do anything, and being hospitalized means getting up in the morning and do stuff and im too weak for that.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

It feels as if im on a plane that is about to crash into a mountain, everyone jump using a parachute yelling for me to jump for my life and im too afraid to jump so i crash into the mountain and die - choosing (worse) by unchoosing. I want to commit suicide but cant..

I really understand--as much as someone else can. I feel something similar. I'm also increasingly frightened of getting thrown into the mega-complex of the US prison system. Figures put the US as containing a full quarter of the world's imprisoned population despite our having only one-twentieth of the world's population. Corrupt politicians, bankers, and corporate heads get fat bonuses even when they do a horrible job and hurt millions of people, but you and I would get thrown in jail for medicating our own bodies despite not affecting anyone else. And the way they treat you in many prisons... You don't know if your fellow inmates or the guards are worse.

I'm really sorry you're feeling how you are. But I think it's reasonable. I also don't want to live through prison. But like you, I can't take the final step into nothingness despite understanding this is truly (rightly) rational for me. I liked how you added "for me" to the end of your rationality claim. You're right: we're the only ones who can judge if our lives are worth living or not. Wish I had something comforting to share. If you want to scream at someone or just chat, send me a PM. I think your anxieties are very understandable.

 

[Nobodysfault]

Yes, maybe you will get a reduced sentence from going to hospital?

I will but i dont want to live regardless of that and its impossible for me to go to a hospital and do something that will help me when all i wish for is death.. im paralyzed from depression, ptsd and more, i dont do anything all day. Just end life..

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Im not from the us, there is no jury from where im from

It will help me get reduced punishment but i feel like being hospitalized will drive me crazy. Its not like i want to die because of prison and by avoiding sentence ill wanna live, i want to die because of much bigger shit than that,prison is nothing comparing to why i want to die.. anyway im kind of waiting to die and cant get myself to do anything, and being hospitalized means getting up in the morning and do stuff and im too weak for that.

Aaaaaah. I didn't understand this earlier. Thanks for clarifying. Again, I totally relate to this: "im ... waiting to die and cant get myself to do anything"

 

[reginafilangie]

so much fucking worse.

 

[Nobodysfault]

Aaaaaah. I didn't understand this earlier. Thanks for clarifying. Again, I totally relate to this: "im ... waiting to die and cant get myself to do anything"

Where im from theres only one women prison. For the first two weeks i was put in a mans prison and then for the other two weeks i sat in the only womens prison in my country (also was in solitude for a few days). so I, a weed law breaker, sat in the same cell/confinement departmen with the worst women who would be put in maximum security jail in the us. A month after being put in jail i was released to stay under house arrest terms (back with my parents). Its been 15 months since then, still waiting for trial. But i dont wanna ctb because of prision.. maybe ill write my story in this forum someday, its kind of hardcore.

I don't know how to help but wanted to acknowledge what you've said. I hope you will msg FTL.Wanderer and that more people will reply. You really sound mega depressed.

I am,never been this low.. thing is people think i want to ctb because of prison but i only wrote about prison as a block for me to commit suicide..

Are you serious? Jail for 5 years, for weed? That's fucked.

Not quite sure what you mean about the fire thing.

They want 5 years but hopefully will get none. 2 years have past since it all began, trial is in 4 months, will probably get reschedule, then after the trial either my lawyer or the prosecutor will appeal to court, then its 2 years of waiting to a second trial, then ill know if im going to jail for 5 years. So if the verdict will be 5 years ill say it has been a 9 years process, if the verdict will be 9 months of community service then i could say it has been a 6 years process(with appealing) or 4 years process (without appealing). I was 22 when i got arrested, im 24 now and ill be way older till it will end. I dont feel 24 since i wasnt really part of life for the past two years and its fucking weird ill be over 31 at worst or 26 at best.
Btw, prision is not the reason i want to ctb - its shit but i got worst reasons than that :/

Oh about the fire thing, just saying that choosing to stay alive will be more painful yet im too afraid to commit suicide

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Nobody wants to die for fun, we do it because we have no choice- its either burn or jump.

Omg this is so
Fucking
Accurate

 

[Kyrok]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I realize it is about more than weed, but for what its worth, cannabis was used throughout Asia and the Middle East for thousands of years until the US drove its ban worldwide. It was part of the traditional medicine from Japan to Egypt, with records going back 5000 years. It should never have been banned. Some people have cannabinoid deficiencies, which causes various inflammatory and auto-immune disorders. Many people who are drawn to cannabis are without realizing it just trying to fix their own metabolism.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

It should never have been banned.

I used to think when I was a kid that governments were made up of the wisest, most benign people who cared deeply about and obsessed over what was best for their cultures. The fantasies of childhood...

 

[Ruffian]

Wow. Would love to hear your whole story. I'm pretty open about struggling with mental health issues, and I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I am wishing you freedom from all the turmoil, inside and out. I know we are different people, but I think we are in a similar state of mind - I run through my problems over and over in my mind to the point I can't eat or sleep. I actually WANT to go in the hospital but can't afford to. I could be facing other issues you mentioned as well. You sound very young - I'm sorry you have to face all of this. I know advice sucks, but when I'm really down I like to read Hunter S. Thompson quotes. His books are great, but it's hard to read a lot when you're freaking out. He ctb in 2004 or 2005. Frankly, I'm completely miserable, and I can't understand why I'm still here. Well yes I can, but it's definitely complicated.