jellybelly4
Member
- Apr 23, 2019
- 22
I have been on the fence bout CTB for a while now. A part of me hopes that it'll just go away by itself. I'll wake up and poof, gone and back to feeling like a person. That outcome isn't very likely. On the other hand I have no qualms about death, not a single one. Not even a "where do we go"? Death is just another thing to discovery. I feel like I've learned so much about wanting to die and everyone around me just wants suffering for suffering sake. I'm just not happy here. This trial period of life just shows me more reasons to leave. I know I am depressed, I know temporary problems can hurt and this is a permanent end, I know about antidepressants, I know about therapy, I know about friends and family support, I know about creating things to fill you up with the goody goody feelings of Christmas. I just can't do it or feel it. These things seem to sink me lower when I try them or thing about it. Probably because when they fail it leaves me hopeless, flung back into oblivion. Being stubborn has made this balancing game go on too long.
It's sad when you're in a relationship and your person has to see you fight with invisible demons, demons that were there long before anything else entered your life. Sometimes they even fuel these demons, beginning to look less like your comfort and salvation and more like a co-conspirator. I don't even think they realize this. That everything has started to blend in to the darkness. All relationships are hard here in this place. Family full of strangers. Fingers pointing turn into daggers at the most vital places and times. I will not be as blind as our dear friend Caesar. Friends are coworkers and vice versa. Convenient, easy, no depth no worries. Just enough to keep insanity and lonliness out. It's hard to talk about problems with close friends when you just have not made any. So hi, bye, cool clothes and let's taco Tuesday. With a shaky attachment to just one being, you turn toward yourself and things you have made for yourself. This work you've given yourself? You've turned it into small happinesses. A pretty dress here, a soft bunny to cuddle, things that put more emotion into you than another person ever has. I surrounded myself with things I wanted, whether old or new, they made it a bit easier to be alive. My proof that I had done something right in the mist of my pain and constant failures. A broken promise, a broken dish, a broken mind, all in the same color and form. Moving as one big dark mass swallowing everything in sight. When a person lacks something you can't ask them to magically produce that in real-time. Coordination. Never thought that the lack of it would be something that causes fear, anguish, sadness, and financial strain. I could use so many metaphors and allegories for the pain it causes when the person I love doesn't understand how I fell in love with cute objects.
So many promises to me have been broken over time that I avoid promising anything at all cost. I broke that rule for a promise I'm not sure I can keep. The promise to live. A simple/complicated ideal that other grasp onto so tightly; I just want to watch life slip from my fingers. My body has become a flesh prison and in it my soul rots. My soul damaged by the distortions in the world, the knowledge of many pains. My body ravaged by lustful gazes and touches, picked apart by those who deem it not worthy, and unloved by its owner. Where is there a place that I can be at peace if not wrapped in the arms of death.
It's sad when you're in a relationship and your person has to see you fight with invisible demons, demons that were there long before anything else entered your life. Sometimes they even fuel these demons, beginning to look less like your comfort and salvation and more like a co-conspirator. I don't even think they realize this. That everything has started to blend in to the darkness. All relationships are hard here in this place. Family full of strangers. Fingers pointing turn into daggers at the most vital places and times. I will not be as blind as our dear friend Caesar. Friends are coworkers and vice versa. Convenient, easy, no depth no worries. Just enough to keep insanity and lonliness out. It's hard to talk about problems with close friends when you just have not made any. So hi, bye, cool clothes and let's taco Tuesday. With a shaky attachment to just one being, you turn toward yourself and things you have made for yourself. This work you've given yourself? You've turned it into small happinesses. A pretty dress here, a soft bunny to cuddle, things that put more emotion into you than another person ever has. I surrounded myself with things I wanted, whether old or new, they made it a bit easier to be alive. My proof that I had done something right in the mist of my pain and constant failures. A broken promise, a broken dish, a broken mind, all in the same color and form. Moving as one big dark mass swallowing everything in sight. When a person lacks something you can't ask them to magically produce that in real-time. Coordination. Never thought that the lack of it would be something that causes fear, anguish, sadness, and financial strain. I could use so many metaphors and allegories for the pain it causes when the person I love doesn't understand how I fell in love with cute objects.
So many promises to me have been broken over time that I avoid promising anything at all cost. I broke that rule for a promise I'm not sure I can keep. The promise to live. A simple/complicated ideal that other grasp onto so tightly; I just want to watch life slip from my fingers. My body has become a flesh prison and in it my soul rots. My soul damaged by the distortions in the world, the knowledge of many pains. My body ravaged by lustful gazes and touches, picked apart by those who deem it not worthy, and unloved by its owner. Where is there a place that I can be at peace if not wrapped in the arms of death.
