Venting Kind of Losing it

[trynacbt]

As my (hopeful) ctb date gets closer and closer, I'm falling apart emotionally. Maybe because I've gotten off my meds for SN. Maybe because my dad is so paranoid that he's walked in on me in the bathroom 3 times today and won't give me my personal space even though I'm 23. I can't even blame him because four years ago I knelt down in front of him and begged him to kill me, but I hate being so dependent on others.

I left my ex a few months ago because I knew I needed to ctb and I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm still in love with him and I know he cares about me. Still during my last week left, he won't speak to me, abruptly asking for space though we were talking a lot before then. I'm hanging by a thread and I am so thankful for this forum because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a way out. Now all I hope for is that everything lines up right in my living situation so that I can ctb next week.

I want to see my mother and my grandmother. I want to believe that there is someplace where there's something better. And I hope that somehow I can keep up with the lives of those I love most on Earth, because I want to do the impossible, to continue to be with them.

Everything but death feels so impossible. I just want it to be over.

 

[charlie_z]

And I hope that somehow I can keep up with the lives of those I love most on Earth, because I want to do the impossible, to continue to be with them.

That has to be one of the most beautiful things I've read since I started visiting SS.

 

[Stan]

We are here for you. Hope we can help you through this tough time

 

[Jean4]

As my (hopeful) ctb date gets closer and closer, I'm falling apart emotionally. Maybe because I've gotten off my meds for SN. Maybe because my dad is so paranoid that he's walked in on me in the bathroom 3 times today and won't give me my personal space even though I'm 23. I can't even blame him because four years ago I knelt down in front of him and begged him to kill me, but I hate being so dependent on others.

I left my ex a few months ago because I knew I needed to ctb and I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm still in love with him and I know he cares about me. Still during my last week left, he won't speak to me, abruptly asking for space though we were talking a lot before then. I'm hanging by a thread and I am so thankful for this forum because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a way out. Now all I hope for is that everything lines up right in my living situation so that I can ctb next week.

I want to see my mother and my grandmother. I want to believe that there is someplace where there's something better. And I hope that somehow I can keep up with the lives of those I love most on Earth, because I want to do the impossible, to continue to be with them.

Everything but death feels so impossible. I just want it to be over.

You always have us and will stand by you. We are the Island of Misfit CTBers and we love you :)

 

[drake4871]

Wish you the best OP, I think a lot of us can relate to how you are feeling and if you ever need to talk about it feel free

 

[Hotsackage]

Thank fuck for sn. Cant wait to buy it, but like you parents are here still

 

[WhiteDespair]

If you can take it slow, give it a try. You're probably sending out bad vibes now and people are picking it up.

There is a good chance you are going through some withdrawals from your meds. The first 3 days is where it hits you the hardest and you're the most erratic. The first week lessens in severity. The second week, you're getting in the clear if you're not already. Many substances have a 3 day period in the body until they and their metabolites as completely expelled. Keep that in mind. Withdrawal makes everything tougher and have more impact.

Regardless, be safe, be well and best wishes on whatever road you're travelling.

 

[Ame]

You seem to have had very rough run over these past few years and I am terribly sorry that you are suffering as much as you are. You have a lot going on, both internally and with those in your environment, so I think that feeling overwhelmed is completely justified. Like others have already stated, coming down and withdrawing from medications can be rather unpleasant so please be gentle with yourself in the coming days. Maybe continue with your knitting projects if you haven't finished them already? You deserve to be compassionate with and to take good care of yourself (but if you disagree with this, I can understand where you are coming from since I am in a similar mindset. In that case, I apologise for being a hypocrite.).

If ever you need to talk (and it can be about anything - even random things) you are more than welcome to send a message. I am pretty sure that there are others here that would be willing to offer you the same.

Please take good care of you!

 

[charlie_z]

If ever you need to talk (and it can be about anything - even random things) you are more than welcome to send a message. I am pretty sure that there are others here that would be willing to offer you the same.

Yes, I'm here to if you need to chat.

 

[trynacbt]

Mood has been fluctuating and I've been switching between being a bit confrontational/asking my fam a lot of questions to very quiet and compliant as I face competing feelings of anger/resentment for having to leave this life and desperation/hope that it will work. To pull it off I'll have to convince them that I can sleep in a bedroom alone overnight because that is the level of scrutiny right now , can I get a "wtf" !!!

 

[Moon Flower]

We love you <3

 

[trynacbt]

Also thank you all so much for your replies and kindness, they mean the world to me.

 

[WilliamKline]

As my (hopeful) ctb date gets closer and closer, I'm falling apart emotionally. Maybe because I've gotten off my meds for SN. Maybe because my dad is so paranoid that he's walked in on me in the bathroom 3 times today and won't give me my personal space even though I'm 23. I can't even blame him because four years ago I knelt down in front of him and begged him to kill me, but I hate being so dependent on others.

I left my ex a few months ago because I knew I needed to ctb and I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm still in love with him and I know he cares about me. Still during my last week left, he won't speak to me, abruptly asking for space though we were talking a lot before then. I'm hanging by a thread and I am so thankful for this forum because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a way out. Now all I hope for is that everything lines up right in my living situation so that I can ctb next week.

I want to see my mother and my grandmother. I want to believe that there is someplace where there's something better. And I hope that somehow I can keep up with the lives of those I love most on Earth, because I want to do the impossible, to continue to be with them.

Everything but death feels so impossible. I just want it to be over.

Leaving the person you love for their own self protection is so very noble of you, must take a lot of strength.

 

[CaptainT]

I'm thinking of you @trynacbt, let us know if you need to talk more

 

[SinisterKid]

WTF?

 

[trynacbt]

Leaving the person you love for their own self protection is so very noble of you, must take a lot of strength.

Thank you so much for saying this, this makes me cry, because he still can't understand my reasoning and it breaks my heart.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

As my (hopeful) ctb date gets closer and closer, I'm falling apart emotionally. Maybe because I've gotten off my meds for SN. Maybe because my dad is so paranoid that he's walked in on me in the bathroom 3 times today and won't give me my personal space even though I'm 23. I can't even blame him because four years ago I knelt down in front of him and begged him to kill me, but I hate being so dependent on others.

I left my ex a few months ago because I knew I needed to ctb and I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm still in love with him and I know he cares about me. Still during my last week left, he won't speak to me, abruptly asking for space though we were talking a lot before then. I'm hanging by a thread and I am so thankful for this forum because I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a way out. Now all I hope for is that everything lines up right in my living situation so that I can ctb next week.

I want to see my mother and my grandmother. I want to believe that there is someplace where there's something better. And I hope that somehow I can keep up with the lives of those I love most on Earth, because I want to do the impossible, to continue to be with them.

Everything but death feels so impossible. I just want it to be over.

Sending you peace, and goodwill.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

I grew up in group homes that had extremely strict watching practices. Half hourly checks by the overnight staff, and full-time watching during the day. It is absolutely miserable, and i cant imagine how you are feeling at 23 with that level of supervision. You Will find your way. Hope you have peace soon.

 

[WhiteDespair]

Thank you so much for saying this, this makes me cry, because he still can't understand my reasoning and it breaks my heart.

This reminds me of my ex. As much as I wanted to be with her I wouldn't come between her and her family. It's awful. Be well and take it easy.

 

[trynacbt]

I grew up in group homes that had extremely strict watching practices. Half hourly checks by the overnight staff, and full-time watching during the day. It is absolutely miserable, and i cant imagine how you are feeling at 23 with that level of supervision. You Will find your way. Hope you have peace soon.

That sounds so horrible, damn. The worst part of my supervision is that I know I'm the one who got myself here and I have no one to blame for it but myself.

This reminds me of my ex. As much as I wanted to be with her I wouldn't come between her and her family. It's awful. Be well and take it easy.

The part that breaks my heart the most is that I am probably going to go during a time when he and I are barely speaking, and when he doesn't seem to realize how much his self-defensive/pushing-away behavior is hurting me. He really seems to believe I'm going to recover, even though I made my pain so clear to him. But it's probably for the best that he doesn't understand.

 

[Lostblackchild]

I understand. I want to join my granny grandfather mother & aunt. I'm tired

 

[WhiteDespair]

That sounds so horrible, damn. The worst part of my supervision is that I know I'm the one who got myself here and I have no one to blame for it but myself.

The part that breaks my heart the most is that I am probably going to go during a time when he and I are barely speaking, and when he doesn't seem to realize how much his self-defensive/pushing-away behavior is hurting me. He really seems to believe I'm going to recover, even though I made my pain so clear to him. But it's probably for the best that he doesn't understand.

I do that pushing away nonsense as well. Annoying as hell. And, dishonest. Lost a lot from it. I did that to my ex and it was completely unfair. I hope you and him come around.

 

[trynacbt]

I do that pushing away nonsense as well. Annoying as hell. And, dishonest. Lost a lot from it. I did that to my ex and it was completely unfair. I hope you and him come around.

I did it to him too, but only because I thought it would be best for him in the long run. He's doing it because he feels he needs to move on—so I guess I really am being selfish wishing he wouldn't. But I can't help feeling this way knowing I don't have much time left.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I did it to him too, but only because I thought it would be best for him in the long run. He's doing it because he feels he needs to move on—so I guess I really am being selfish wishing he wouldn't. But I can't help feeling this way knowing I don't have much time left.

That'll definitely eat at you if you let it. The only positive is it might be easier on him. I have to give you credit for taking him into consideration. It's understanable to want that last bit of connection. Lord knows I have.

 

[WilliamKline]

Thank you so much for saying this, this makes me cry, because he still can't understand my reasoning and it breaks my heart.

Yes, that is the sacrifice you are making - you are cutting ties for very good reasons with the person that you'd really want to be with. But if the reasons behind it were clear for him he would have tried to 'help', get you into programs whatever. You do anything to save a loved one. Plus, it seems like you are under strict surveillance.

It feels very bitter to withhold that which you deeply desire most and it's not being appreciated, not receiving love for a kind act.

CTB is, at large, still being seen as a rash act, it's as though many years of suffering (without improvement) don't seem to matter.

I wish you all the strength and compassion in the world these coming days

 

[trynacbt]

A bit of good news tonight: tested meto, no side effects

 

[Are you lost too?]

Good to hear that! I'm rooting for you.

Has the supervision situation improved a little bit

 

[trynacbt]

Good to hear that! I'm rooting for you.

Has the supervision situation improved a little bit

Thank you...
It's pretty much the same, but at least that means I get benzos every now and then whenever I'm crying a lot... sigh

Just waiting for sn delivery now. I really can't wait.

Yeah people really are not that smart almost a million people a year commit suicide so that is about a person every 30 seconds. Not to mention, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the world. So yeah, that always amuses me how dumb asses say some one is not going to killed themselves. Yeah those people really did to wake up but what do you expect form idiots even the ones you love. When they call the sane the insane I just can't help to laugh a little.

I think they just want to believe it's all going to be okay. Which in their minds = living...

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

Thank you...
It's pretty much the same, but at least that means I get benzos every now and then whenever I'm crying a lot... sigh

Just waiting for sn delivery now. I really can't wait.


I think they just want to believe it's all going to be okay. Which in their minds = living...

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your struggles. I hope you're able to sort out your plan to your liking.