Venting Kimlett's vents

[Kimlett]

I'll try to make my own thread to write when I feel like it, like some others around here. Comments and reactions are welcomed and appreciated.

The last three days I've been so so close to giving up and starting to plan ctb. I've felt that weird sensation that I've felt a couple times before, the feeling that I'm really going to die, that there's no other option, that I'm having a meal with my friends for the last time. It's hopeful and unsettling at the same time. I'm losing hope in the future, and I'm sure I want to die. But I can't stand the idea of hurting my family and my partner.

So here I am, watching suicide related videos on youtube while I try to pathetically cling to life and keep trying to believe that there is a small chance of being able to put together a life I don't hate. My main issues are work and my body. I tried to vomit dinner tonight but I just couldn't. I wish I could ctb so I can smoke weed and binge eat non-stop on my last days. And work... I can't stand office work. I can't stand 9 to 5. I'm studying to become a dietitian but I'm not sure about that anymore, because it will probably imply being self-employed and that may be something I can't bear. I'm studying for the exams as good as I can, but it might not be enough to pass.

So, my solution: for the moment, I'll just try and finish my studies with modest grades, and if I fail, I'll just drop it. If I pass, I'll see where I can work being employed. In the meantime I'll keep sending cvs and trying to find a chill part-time job that I can bear (I'm on sick leave from my current job), although I've been looking for months with no results. If there's no other option and I have to go back to my shitty boring soul-sucking office job, I'll try to hang in there for some months and I'll quit. I may have to go back to my parents and lose my tiny apartment, my only achievement in life, my sanctuary, the only place where I feel safe from this world. I may go volunteer somewhere or be homeless or whatever the fuck. I'm running out of options. I really want to be dead. Maybe I should just ctb despite the pain I'll leave behind. I don't know.

 

[Kimlett]

Forgot to say that yesterday I called a suicide hotline. I've called several times and the experience has been good in general, but yesterday it was terrible. I mentioned that I've been through some therapists without much results, and she assumed that I was just not doing my part and that's why therapy didn't work. Suuure. I said that I have not much faith in therapy, and she said "We are therapists, why are you calling us then?" Wtf. Because I'm asking for help, that's what you always tell suicidal people to do, that's what everyone repeats like parrots. Because I'm desperate and in pain. Then she insisted that I should treat my ed through the almighty therapy (already tried) and I just said "ok". Don't think I'm calling again.

 

[Dejected 55]

I never tried calling a suicide hotline, but I have used the chat. It was less than useless. They appear to use a cookie cutter approach and a script and will ask you questions that you had just answered as if they don't read what you write and only go to the next step in their script. If I had been actually suicidal in the moment I contacted them, I would have been pushed over the edge by that experience I think.

 

[Kimlett]

Today I feel more suicidal than ever. I don't know who to talk to. I wrote a suicide note (again). I want to order sn and gather all that is needed. I think binge eating is the only thing that could save me right now. I desperately want to feel full. But I desperately want to be skinny. If I wasn't a fat kid everything would have been different. Life is shit anyways, but... Yesterday I watched in chaturbate a 19yo stunningly beautiful twink that is probably making a lot of money. Beauty and wealth, that is everything. I will never be like that and I can't stand it. My inner dictator will never accept that I need food to fill the painful eternal void in my soul. I hate life so much. I don't know wtf I'm still doing here.
Maybe I should stop trying to lose weight because it's making me extremely unhappy. Maybe I should just accept my fate and just watch twinks porn to fantasize being one of them.