Killing yourself over a person / how to tell if people are only acting away because they fear you are going to ctb

[InezSerrano]

(I was going to title this post killing myself because a guy i like has a boyfriend, but I realized that's cringe, but then I realized some of it only makes sense with that context, so...)

I know this is really fucking stupid. It's so stupid, IDK. This guy is all I care about right now, I usually talk to him for hours everyday. The worst thing is we talk a bit about sexual stuff and so somethings, (sending nudes, talking about things we would like to do together). I'm not sure if their relationship is open or what exactly he's doing, but I'm pretty sure there is no future with him, but idk. Often I feel like everything will be okay, that I can handle it and navigate it okay, but then from time to time I think about how I'll never be his partner, or he will always have someone more important than me, or whatever. IDK, idk, idk. It's made me want to kill myself a few times. He says he loves me which makes it harder.

If I try to look at this from an outside perspective, I can tell like, this is so stupid, this is a child-level issue, like it's so dumb, the issue is I get very very very intense/obsessed with people after just a very short period of time, and I feel very extreme emotions you know, is it's so hard to think clearly, I don't even know if there is any advice, because he is the only thing I care about. I'll just do all I can for him and then at some point I will probably realize it won't work out and maybe I'll attempt suicide or something idk. I don't know. I don't care about anything besides him, that's the issue, I hate this. I told him, you know, when we started talking I warned him about how like I have distorted views of relationships sometimes and I can get very caught up in things very quickly or obsessed easily.. IDK.

It's just so stupid, I'm not sure why I'm posting or whatever.

I also worry this is a repeat of the past. When I was 13ish I knew someone who was in their 20s and they were very physical with me, like cuddling, groping, and now when I talk about it with them they say they never wanted to do those things, but they did it because I wanted it and because they felt like they needed to do anything possible to stop me from killing myself (I've been suicidal since I was pretty young). Anways, I worry with this guy that I'm manipulating him into letting me be sexual with him because he's worried about me killing myself. It's probably fair, like he was talking to me while I almost overdosed on GHB, so I guess it's right for him to be scared on that sort of thing. (What happened was I wanted to try GHB and then I was thinking, oh, I could take X amount more and maybe die, it wasn't all planned out, I have SN, I would do that, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was being stupid and impulsive).

Anyway, IDK what I'm even saying here... LOL

 

[Pluto]

If we separate the CTB issue from the relationship issue, I always recommend in this situation to have a basic understanding of attachment theory.

Quote:
If you have an ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment style, you may be embarrassed about being too clingy or your constant need for love and attention. Or you may feel worn down by fear and anxiety about whether your partner really loves you.

• You want to be in a relationship and crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with a significant other, but you struggle to feel that you can trust or fully rely on your partner.
• Being in an intimate relationship tends to take over your life and you become overly fixated on the other person.

Full article link

 

[InezSerrano]

UPDATE:
I did 200mg+ Ketamine and told them: "Also, you should tell me to kill myself so that I can do it and feel fine, instead of not doing it and feeling bad. you see the issue iss, I am chosing to be alive in part because of you, but the life I am chosing to lead isn't a good one (drugs, mentall illness, abusive people (some of which you seem to like, like my dad(?))) and really the best outcome for me is death, I have this delusion that you are enough of a positive influence to make it worth it not to suicide, now maybe you want to do that, you probably don't, you already have enough to deal with... aaa... idk, of course you might feel guilty for causing a suicide, but really, well there is nothing I can say to make this easier, sorry, I forgot how most human cultures view suicide :/ nevermind then." (this really upset them)

NOT GOOD