Venting Killing myself is too much effort

[Eudaimonic]

I recognize that I am probably better off dead, but the sheer amount of effort necessary to execute my plans (e.g., acquiring a driver's license, moving out (this task alone is immensely difficult), and getting a job or attending university, distancing myself from family and minimizing the emotional pain my death will inevitably cause, acquiring the necessary equipment and materials; doing so discreetly, buying a used car for discreet transportation (necessary for at least some of the methods I am considering; and I can't exactly use their car as that would lead to guilt on their part), coming up with the necessary after-death costs to minimize the burden on family, writing up legal documentation (e.g., a living will for use if I fail), tying up loose ends, ensuring I am not found and planning accordingly, etc.), is dizzying to contemplate. I refuse to try any methods that aren't very reliable and painless, as failure is not an option. I am afraid that my pseudodementia will increase the risk of failure. All this is to say that sometimes I think trying to die is similarly effortful as trying to live. But ultimately, I will probably die by my hand eventually, even if my plans are delayed for the time being.

There is something to be said for exhausting one's options before choosing death, but I am unsure the effort I would necessarily expend in fulfillment of this would be worthwhile when I could instead opt to put an end to the madness. Most days, I feel somewhat of an obligation to keep existing for my family; because of this, I often feel guilty for wanting to kill myself when I imagine the profound suffering doing so would inflict on them. I also feel somewhat guilty for not having bettered the world in any way. My only real mark will be the emotional trauma I leave my family with and a few positive memories of me here and there. I feel like I have never truly lived; I would rather not be remembered at all than like this. I don't want my body to be found, but I also don't wish to be considered missing and leave my family even more traumatized (although if I opt for a firearm, it's probably best that it is not found). A small part of me is afraid that death is not the end and that I will continue to suffer in some form (I would prefer not to list the ideas responsible for these thoughts, besides my own, as I consider them to be infohazards of the highest order. But I suppose the foremost reasons are that I exist at all and that I view my personal identity as 'empty'). Moreover, a small part of me is irrationally hopeful that my circumstances could improve, even though I don't believe future joy can outweigh past or present suffering; I also don't believe that the number of positive moments in my life outweighs the number of negative ones. That being said, I don't think I can bear the pain indefinitely. It has been only a few years of this, and already I have grown weary. And despite all of the above, if killing myself reliably and painlessly was easy, I would probably already be dead.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly hate how it's purposely made so unnecessarily difficult to leave this world, it just leads to more suffering, it really should be easier to leave this existence we were burdened with. But anyway best wishes.