Killing myself but can’t spend my savings?

[3FailedAttemptss]

I laugh at the younger me who imagined a grand exit, spending my savings on one last trip or a nice dinner before blowing my brains out. Now that the reality is hitting, the money doesn't matter. I'm dying regardless. I just can't get myself to spend my savings or be financially irresponsible even though ultimately it totally doesn't matter and I'm gonna die anyways.

I have my sodium nitrite and I'm committed to dying, but is this a sign of weakness? a subconscious sign of me not being able to let go? How do I deal with this?

Is this something other people deal with too? The paradox is killing me.

 

[knowledgeseeking]

I am not blowing all my money either. I have also designated beneficiaries on all of my financial accounts and even filed a Transfer on Death Deed for my house with county so the people left behind can avoid probate court.

I don't think being considerate in the end is bad, if anything it speaks to you being a good person.

Now if you have no one to leave your money to, then just blow it, or name me as the beneficiary.

 

[Matchaaa]

you are not alone,I'm in a similar boat.
you are not weak either.I know this paradox is truly painful.
I have some SN,and I used to have some savings, but I didn't spend them either. I didn't have the energy to spend them, and as my family was going through a tight financial period, I lent the money out.
personally, I think perhaps you could try to follow your heart..whether you spend the savings or not, there is no absolute right or wrong answer. I think it might be good to spend it before the CTB and do your best to find inner peace, but if you don't, that's okay too.