killing myself before i get my driver's license because i keep getting psyched out

[monetpompo]

i plan on drowning or hanging myself before christmas comes. i can't get my license even though i've been going to occasional lessons throughout october and november. i'm just not driving frequently enough for things to become muscle memory to me like turning, braking, and parallel parking. i need to practice over and over again and i need to pay money and also need other people's help to get a license. the whole thing is just tiring me out and i want to give up because it feels like the people around me can't grasp just how hard and frustrating it is for me to keep burning my mom's money on teachers. my first driving school had an issue where you could only schedule lessons on 2 days of the month and the second school i went to was more expensive and i wouldn't retain what i learned in between my weekly lessons. i could try to go back to a school but i know it'd be costly and my mom would keep asking me over and over again if i have my license yet because i keep spending her money. i tried to do lessons with a friend from high school but i have to use my dad's car while we're practicing and we both get anxious about me crashing the car. i dissociate sometimes while driving and that makes me drift into other lanes. how can i even learn to drive in my headspace? i feel like shit all of the time.

every time i come back from a lesson i just hate myself and think that i'm a failure no matter what i do. i'm sick of it. in some of my now deleted posts i would say, "i'll get my license in december and i'll be able to kill myself by then", but now i know that i'm probably never going to do it. i can't get my license because i'm incapable of believing in myself and i keep beating myself up. i'm suicidal because i keep beating myself up and whenever i feel angry at myself i tell everyone that i'm going to give up on everything and be unemployed forever. just the act of trying to learn something when it's so costly and makes me feel like such a burden to everyone around me makes me feel extremely stressed. i just want to give up. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of living in a failure's body. my parents don't have the time or the patience to practice driving with me. my dad just tells me to stop driving and let him do it before i damage the car. my self esteem is too low to drive. it's funny that my depression is holding me back from something that would make it easier to kill myself. i'm sick of all this. everyone is telling me to do something that they think "i" can do, when they're probably just thinking about themselves in my shoes. i can't learn how to drive. my life is going to stay fucked because texas is car dependent and you can't even leave your house if you can't drive. i'm sick of people telling me what they think of my situation when i'm the one that's been living in it for all these years. i wish people would stop telling me things will work out when everything has just been going wrong.

 

[kittyloverxd]

i was kinda in your same position when i was learning to get my drivers license as well i would have to be taking extra classes and for some reason they would not pick me up and charge me because i missed the class when they would normally just pick me up and it'd just frustrate me, and i feel like one of the reasons why you're struggling to learn how to drive properly is because you seem very stressed out a lot of things and beat yourself up for it.

i'm not sure how you've been practicing but if you can try to get someone you know who can drive well to help you but practice in a HUGEEEEEEE open parking lot when there's not many people so the chances of crashing is slim to none and slowly start from there

i know you can do it it'll take time but you'll get the hang of it one day :D

 

[monetpompo]

i'm not sure how you've been practicing but if you can try to get someone you know who can drive well to help you but practice in a HUGEEEEEEE open parking lot when there's not many people so the chances of crashing is slim to none and slowly start from there

thank you for being optimistic but i just don't know if i want to try anymore. i only have one friend who can help me drive but i feel like i'm burdening her. i hardly ever see her because she's busy so i don't feel like her doing lessons with me is worth her time when she lives 40 minutes away. i just can't find the motivation to keep trying to learn when my mindset keeps on holding me back. there's nothing that relaxes me because as long as this situation continues. it keeps weighing on my mind. none of my other friends can drive and my siblings can't drive either. it feels like all the other lessons i've taken up until this point were completely pointless.

 

[kittyloverxd]

well she doesn't have to help you everyday but you can ask her if she can help you once a week or once every 2 weeks and that'd probably help a ton and if she's your friend she won't feel burdened, friends help each other :P i feel like the only problem that's holding you back on driving is you have a bad mindset and as long as you have that you will struggle to get your drivers license, if you need help with driving i can't help you in person but i can give you advice that may be useful the next time you drive

 

[COP2CON]

Take a moment a breathe. You will mess up, I did many times. Before I got where I am now, I could drive better than I could walk. Look at the worst case scenerio, you fail. I promise you the reality is much better than what your thinking. You will probably even have a funny story to tell later. Also, if you have a friend that's willing to travel that far to teach you, that's pretty special. You don't have to impress anyone, do this for you and just know it becomes easier the more you do it. I did terrible learning from my family but eventually passed and got to the point of near stunt driving. Practice idle driving. Don't mash the gas just let the car idle along at low speed. Practice turning and light breaking and as you feel more confident, add a little gas. Be confident and I know you can do it. As stupid as it sounds just know I care and want the best for you even though I don't know you.

 

[monetpompo]

Also, if you have a friend that's willing to travel that far to teach you, that's pretty special.

i just realized something embarrassing. i'm kind of jealous that my friend has a boyfriend because she talks about him all the time and lives with him while i'm completely alone and don't receive any texts. it kind of affects me mentally these days because of how much i miss my best friend who moved away every day. i can't really explain it to her because i don't think she'll understand. my loneliness has just been affecting me way more lately and it makes it hard for me to see her when i know she has someone to come back home to. i'm thinking about everything but driving. she's living a way better life than me. it's just kind of depressing sometimes to see how bad of a spot i'm in when i'm next to someone that's doing well in life. i'm anxious about crying in front of her if i get too emotional.

You don't have to impress anyone, do this for you and just know it becomes easier the more you do it.

my family keeps on pressuring me and it's killing me. i can't get a job and i can't attend college without a license because the public transportation here sucks. everything is about getting a license and my whole life has been ruined by the lack of one. i'm sick of relying on others for help but i can't help myself. i'm legitimately only getting a license to stop burdening my family and it weighs on me every time i try to do a lesson. thinking, "my parents will finally be proud of me when i learn how to drive" makes me want to hurt myself.

Look at the worst case scenario, you fail.

the worst case scenario is happening right now, because i failed and disappointed everyone by not wanting to try anymore and just crying in my room instead. the thing with failure is that you can make it your baseline by not trying anymore in the first place. that's why i want to give up. it's painful to be bad at things and disappoint people. i've already disappointed my family a lot in my life. even though you and other people believe in me, i genuinely can't believe in myself because i only think that i'm going to fail. i've spent most of my life comparing myself to my sister because she's good at everything i'm not. it's hard to believe that i'm a whole person. my sister always thinks i'm stupid.

i feel like the only problem that's holding you back on driving is you have a bad mindset and as long as you have that you will struggle to get your drivers license

if the problem is me then i don't know what i'm going to do. i just really, really dislike myself. i don't want to accept my friend's help even though she's offering it. it's gotten really hard for me to develop my self confidence. it feels like every day i'm just throwing a pity party for myself because i keep comparing myself to others. i don't want to keep trying. my family doesn't even believe that i can do it.