kill me

[justwannadip]

My life and all my behaviours are a loop.
I haven't changed at all.
I'm doing the same shit I was scared of doing, again.
No matter what I try and do, I revert back. But i never left. I just get beaten down enough. I'm wired to be like this, thats why I've always wondered why I'm stuck, what im doing wrong etc. i'm just wired like this. This is my core, my personality, my mind controls me.
Just like healthy ppl's personalities and traits remain steady throughout their lives, and they revert back to how they've usually always been, i do the same. But im not healthy. My brain and my thought processes, emotional reasoning, everything is set up for me to fail. I can't seem to do anything about it, ever. Maybe for a month, but its still always nagging me and its completely unsettling and a battle the whole time. And it gets louder the more i fight.
Im in a fkn loop lmao. Im doing degenerate shit again. All that fighting it has gotten me is worse. All its gotten me is to lose more. But thats apart of the plan, my mind was and is always wired to have things work against me. I've never been able to have any 'control' over my mind. I dont think anyone rlly does but i only notice or care because i'm suffering all the time because of it.
Im not wired for this, sincerely
Wtf am i still doing here
Scared that me still being here is gonna be a habit. Like im wired to be fine in limbo and just continue to sabotage my life in some kind of purgatory

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm the same way. It feels like no matter what I do, my brain is wired to be depressed and angry. I wish I knew of a good way to fix it for both of us, but my depression never goes away.

 

[justwannadip]

So i just surrender to the loop now. Theres no point in fighting it. But then i'm completely hopeless, ive given up. But fighting has gotten me nowhere but worse. Disappointed, afraid, alone, distrusting, cynical, realistic. Surrendering or fighting makes little difference. I'm still alive and in pain. The former just refuses to trust hope again. How can I? I can't take anymore suffering and relentless torture after trying to just be ok so many times. So I exist in limbo. A sad existence. Miserable, depressed, having to control and mask myself, even around myself. I have a constant relentless inner critic and judge that will continue to beat me when I'm face down and bloodied. Who can save me? I certainly can't. I'm in the most abusive relationship of all time with myself. And my brain will sabotage anything that comes my way. I can't control it. Kill me.
This is so pointless. Typing all this, it does nothing. Im too far gone. No energy no life. cant pull myself out of limbo. Praying for a miracle with no faith

 

[sos]

there are enough options to get control of your mind, have u ever tried something to get control?

 

[Gangrel]

i get it, the way i explained it to my doctors is that even though i understand in a logical level how to be happy and how to connect with people and all sorts of things like that, it's not how i truly feel, so i just get frustrated trying, it seems so performative

 

[justwannadip]

i get it, the way i explained it to my doctors is that even though i understand in a logical level how to be happy and how to connect with people and all sorts of things like that, it's not how i truly feel, so i just get frustrated trying, it seems so performative

I understand. If only logic and conscious understanding could suffice and dysfunctional brain activity and constant dysregulated emotional pain would dissolve. Knowing the logic and seeing what it could be like is almost worse, it feels like a cruel game. Seeing life from a glass box as you burn alive. The crow dangling your keys from an unreachable branch, that if you were to somehow climb to, would just fly away.