noctilucent
decaying
- Apr 5, 2024
- 17
All my past attempts have been impulsive, and therefore failed miserably. Things have gotten bad enough that I now have the resolve to do it properly this time, with months of research and planning and getting my affairs in order before it happens to ensure I don't fuck it up. I would not be able to handle the aftermath of another failed attempt, or of being stuck here for a much longer period.
But the general outline of my plan requires me to travel regardless of which method I settle on, because it is important to me that my family not be the ones to discover me. I will either travel to a hotel and leave a sign outside of the bathroom for the staff, or schedule an e-mail telling someone to alert authorities about my body if I do it somewhere else. It's preferable to me if it's a trained individual who does find me, but I know that the possibility of it being an unsuspecting stranger isn't fully avoidable.
Regardless of who does find me, like I said, I need it to not be my family members coming home from work, and so I must travel. Thus the issue arises of how I will get away without panic. I have lived with my parents my whole life and been pretty dependent on them due to my mental health issues, and in turn, they are also pretty paranoid and protective due to my history of past attempts and general inability to survive on my own. Me suddenly announcing a solo vacation would raise an abundance of red flags and likely require me to frequently contact them, or share my GPS with them.
So, what I've been doing is starting small. After about ten years of voluntarily isolating myself from society, I've pushed myself to go out into town on my own. Over the last month or two, I've been going a bit further every time, and making less of a fuss about it when I do. After the first few times, my family relaxed a bit as they realized I can at least manage to spend a few hours out on my own without crumbling.
The next step will be to occasionally take trips further out by train, a couple hours from home, to go to events such as live performances. That sort of thing will be my cover when I actually go through with it, but I need to do it legitimately first a few times in order to build up trust and lower the protective guard my parents have. I'll likely have to fight tooth and nail to be allowed to go the first time (planning on next month), but hopefully if everything goes smoothly and I return unharmed they will be more easily convinced in the future.
Anyway, context now explained, this is the thing I actually came here to complain about: For this to work, and for me to maintain enough trust to be able to be gone for a day without alarm or frequent check in, I need to maintain the appearance that I'm stable or even doing better than usual. It is very hard to keep it together and not show signs that I am actively suicidal when all I want is to die. I'd also prefer not to alarm anyone in my online support system, who I am used to leaning on and coming to with my struggles, as I have been reported to the police before by online friends during attempts and cannot risk this. I am, unfortunately, the type of person who finds it easier to handle tough situations if I am being comforted by a close friend or if I have company in my misery, so it has been difficult not to raise any alarms anywhere. I also am not great at functioning, just generally, and while the days spent in town on my own are definitely helping my plan more achievable, it is hard to use that much energy and then have to come home and still keep up with college and my part time job, but if I let those slip, it will also look bad. And I am an impulsive person when I'm upset, that much is clear from my history, so it's also sometimes hard when I'm out and about not to rush headfirst into risky behaviors or situations, but that would definitely ruin things.
I guess this is not the most serious problem. Most of you are probably thinking that it's not that hard to hide your pain, or that if I really wanted to die I would have the resolve to do anything to make it happen, etc. It's fine to look down on me like that. I *have* kept it up so far and it's working out, but like I said, I have the nasty tendency to need company and to let it out, so I thought that maybe this would be the place. Feel free to ignore this if these sorts of problems aren't worthy of your time.
But the general outline of my plan requires me to travel regardless of which method I settle on, because it is important to me that my family not be the ones to discover me. I will either travel to a hotel and leave a sign outside of the bathroom for the staff, or schedule an e-mail telling someone to alert authorities about my body if I do it somewhere else. It's preferable to me if it's a trained individual who does find me, but I know that the possibility of it being an unsuspecting stranger isn't fully avoidable.
Regardless of who does find me, like I said, I need it to not be my family members coming home from work, and so I must travel. Thus the issue arises of how I will get away without panic. I have lived with my parents my whole life and been pretty dependent on them due to my mental health issues, and in turn, they are also pretty paranoid and protective due to my history of past attempts and general inability to survive on my own. Me suddenly announcing a solo vacation would raise an abundance of red flags and likely require me to frequently contact them, or share my GPS with them.
So, what I've been doing is starting small. After about ten years of voluntarily isolating myself from society, I've pushed myself to go out into town on my own. Over the last month or two, I've been going a bit further every time, and making less of a fuss about it when I do. After the first few times, my family relaxed a bit as they realized I can at least manage to spend a few hours out on my own without crumbling.
The next step will be to occasionally take trips further out by train, a couple hours from home, to go to events such as live performances. That sort of thing will be my cover when I actually go through with it, but I need to do it legitimately first a few times in order to build up trust and lower the protective guard my parents have. I'll likely have to fight tooth and nail to be allowed to go the first time (planning on next month), but hopefully if everything goes smoothly and I return unharmed they will be more easily convinced in the future.
Anyway, context now explained, this is the thing I actually came here to complain about: For this to work, and for me to maintain enough trust to be able to be gone for a day without alarm or frequent check in, I need to maintain the appearance that I'm stable or even doing better than usual. It is very hard to keep it together and not show signs that I am actively suicidal when all I want is to die. I'd also prefer not to alarm anyone in my online support system, who I am used to leaning on and coming to with my struggles, as I have been reported to the police before by online friends during attempts and cannot risk this. I am, unfortunately, the type of person who finds it easier to handle tough situations if I am being comforted by a close friend or if I have company in my misery, so it has been difficult not to raise any alarms anywhere. I also am not great at functioning, just generally, and while the days spent in town on my own are definitely helping my plan more achievable, it is hard to use that much energy and then have to come home and still keep up with college and my part time job, but if I let those slip, it will also look bad. And I am an impulsive person when I'm upset, that much is clear from my history, so it's also sometimes hard when I'm out and about not to rush headfirst into risky behaviors or situations, but that would definitely ruin things.
I guess this is not the most serious problem. Most of you are probably thinking that it's not that hard to hide your pain, or that if I really wanted to die I would have the resolve to do anything to make it happen, etc. It's fine to look down on me like that. I *have* kept it up so far and it's working out, but like I said, I have the nasty tendency to need company and to let it out, so I thought that maybe this would be the place. Feel free to ignore this if these sorts of problems aren't worthy of your time.
