Venting keep coming up with nonsense plans to kill myself

[monetpompo]

i'll try not to delete this post within 2 minutes of it being up. i'm kind of just rewriting the same thing over and over. i've been burdening the people around me by talking about how i feel, so this is still the only safe place i can talk about things, lol. sometimes i want to die to save them the trouble of caring. the loneliness of recovery and trying to fight my intrusive thoughts just make me relapse and hate myself more. i keep juggling the thought of getting better while still completely subscribed to the idea that i'm going to kill myself in any way i can.

some nights and mornings when i'm feeling really desperate i just start imagining dying. i've been fixating on dxm and dph a lot, as well as stabbing or drinking drain cleaner with sulfuric acid. i was trying to think of ways i could do it away from the house and how i'd dispose of my phone so that i don't contact emergency services. i know these are just flights of fancy and i'm supposed to be realistic, but it feels nice to daydream that dying could really be that easy. i keep trying to stave off the urge to ruin my brain and my organs by doing something that could put me into a coma instead of kill me. the thought of stabbing myself feels cathartic because i can imagine it so vividly in my head already. i feel so trapped in my situation that i think i want to hurt myself to have the opportunity to feel something. even if i don't cut myself, i still act in ways that can be considered self harm. i imagine things that make me upset until i start crying and pulling my hair to try and get rid of the image, and i push the people close to me away because i keep thinking that i'm burdening them. these past few days i've alternated between heavy suicidal ideation and distractions that only gave way to me feeling worse about myself, because i was able to forget how i felt for a moment. i go back home, or it's the drive home from something, and i just wish i'd been laying in bed feeling like garbage so that i didn't have to cry again. i'm still looking into low income/sliding scale therapy right now since i'm not supposed to kill myself until i get my license.

something i get told a lot is that my life isn't very hard. it wasn't even hard when i was still enrolled in community college, i would just cry because i felt inadequate to everyone and that even the dual credit high schoolers were further ahead in life than me. everyone tells me my life is easy and they're jealous that i have so much free time to sleep, go on my laptop, and go to my picturesque neighborhood park whenever i want. but i essentially have the freedom of an 11 year old with no license or job in texas. it's incredibly depressing to be stuck living the same day over and over and to be isolated from everyone geographically. all the events in town are in the city. there's nothing here. i'm supposed to ask my dad to drive 40 minutes if i want to go the art museum or to some fun free event. i can't go volunteering until i get a license. i think the mundanity of living in a suburb and having no desire to do anything besides browse the internet would make anyone want to kill themselves, but they don't want to admit it. my kind of life isn't worth living. it really is hard to want to go outside when i just don't care. everything looks the same outside. it's all the same every day, regardless of if i go outside or not.

the mornings after i tweak out and have a crisis again i just wonder why i didn't bother to do something destructive and fuck my life up. it feels like i want to get worse. getting worse seems like the natural conclusion because i keep thinking that my life is supposed to follow a script when scripts don't exist. i just want there to be an inherent reason to my suffering. i'm complaining from an incredibly privileged viewpoint, as someone that hardly ever has anything to be stressed out about. sometimes the intrusive thoughts get so bad that i get the shakes, like this morning in a deleted post. i took it down before more people saw it. sometimes i think that i just have the urge to start screaming or freaking out i feel so horrified that it's another day and i'm still here.

i'll end this with lyrics from my favorite talking heads song:

And you may ask yourself, "How do I work this?"
And you may ask yourself, "Where is that large automobile?"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful house!"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my beautiful wife!"

sometimes i believe the worst reality is the one that you're living in, rather than the one you imagined for yourself. this is not my beautiful house and this is not my beautiful wife. i'm going insane in my room and i'm considering the logistics of drinking chemicals or pills that i can find in the grocery store. i'm reading reports from people overdosing in a desperate desire to find an easy way out. i have no reason to cling onto the idea that a failed OD would be better than a successful hanging. i pray that one night i'll never have to wake up.

 

[EmptyBottle]

i'll try not to delete this post within 2 minutes of it being up.

tks, seeing notifications with "Message not found" does make me wonder what it was.

trying to fight my intrusive thoughts just make me relapse and hate myself more.

Rather than fighting the thought directly, consider distracting oneself or practicing alternate thoughts.

i keep trying to stave off the urge to ruin my brain and my organs by doing something that could put me into a coma instead of kill me.

mmm.

it's all the same every day, regardless of if i go outside or not.

I also feel like that, the days being quite similar and mundane, even tho there's many different topics I chatted about, it's still "hours in a chat" as "usual".

i just want there to be an inherent reason to my suffering. i'm complaining from an incredibly privileged viewpoint, as someone that hardly ever has anything to be stressed out about.

The reasons could include loneliness, and lack of freedom. While there is definitely variation in suffering, pain is pain. The web itself can cause stress, plus whatever thoughts are going on.

sometimes i believe the worst reality is the one that you're living in, rather than the one you imagined for yourself.

mmm, imagination can sometimes feel cool... I sometimes find it more interesting than reality.

i'm reading reports from people overdosing in a desperate desire to find an easy way out.

That was me a few years ago, tho I sometimes still read it because I felt like I've read a lot about sufferings and want to read about the irreversible stuff. Even still, there are occasional wishes for the bus, the most surprising thing is it sometimes appears in dreams!