Venting Just when I found the perfect friendship, I ruined it.

[DunnoMan]

A while ago, I met someone through interest in a video game. They turned out to be a girl, but that didn't matter much to me, since a real relationship is impossible for me to achieve anyway with my place in life. I spent so much thoughts and time setting things up for us to have fun with, talking about life, sending her things to laugh at when there was nothing else to do, and all that good stuff. Every second I realized more and more that she's just an amazing person and friend for me. I naturally felt trusting of her, more trusting than any girl I've ever met on the internet, because she made me feel innocent again. So I stopped overthinking.

Then I joked that I have a "crush" on her, despite the fact that we had met over a video game. I knew it didn't make sense, I had no intentions of judging her based on her response. At first I kind of played it off to myself and to her, but then she outright said it was fucked up. How inconsiderate it was for me to mess around with saying something like that. And suddenly, I no longer had the belief that I should be defending myself at all. Before, I've made the same mistake but far worse and actually been forgiven for it, for that other person had known that there was no way my crush could be rational. But now, that would not happen so easily.

From then on, it just kept on sinking in how much of a piece of shit I've become. How corrupted I truly am. I've been making this all about myself because I don't know how to actually emotionally support someone other than being there for them. I've talked to other girls online in... intimate ways. And I admitted everything. She simply said that she'd stop talking to me, at least for a while, and I couldn't allow myself to do anything but agree. How could I have ended up like this? The internet is the one thing in the world I know I can and have used to make others happy; to see how I've fallen was truly soul-crushing.

I know for a fact she did the right thing. At least I technically have the chance to redeem myself by starting to be a better person immediately, but I also want to wait to rot to death too. Again. The bad side of me, the one that gives in to evil has brought me to this punishment. But no matter how much the good side of me is accustomed to pain, it's still pain.

I'm sorry I edited this a ton. I'm piling on text wanting to be understood, as if she would read this and realize it's me. But in reality, I don't deserve an easy fix to this. I can only hope that after a while of this nightmare, she decides to give me another chance to share my heart with her.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

She was just sensitive to what you said and how you said it, but self-pity is getting in the way of recognizing that maybe she's been hurt this way before. I would ask yourself if you're being honest with yourself. I think you cared about this more than you made yourself believe. I think it's an infatuation because you had somebody to hang out with, and you haven't found the perfect person to hang out with yet (that person if they exist won't care about random crush, maybe it's how you said it though).

If you're sincerely sorry you should tell them. That's what I think about my family, but they aren't sorry and make no effort anyway. Sorry if any of this comes across as harsh.

 

[DunnoMan]

She was just sensitive to what you said and how you said it, but self-pity is getting in the way of recognizing that maybe she's been hurt this way before. I would ask yourself if you're being honest with yourself. I think you cared about this more than you made yourself believe. I think it's an infatuation because you had somebody to hang out with, and you haven't found the perfect person to hang out with yet (that person if they exist won't care about random crush, maybe it's how you said it though).

If you're sincerely sorry you should tell them. That's what I think about my family, but they aren't sorry and make no effort anyway. Sorry if any of this comes across as harsh.

I was aware from basically the get-go how much I cared for them. Everything about this person made me value her more, not in an infatuation way but in a "this person is cool and different from the others" way. And of course I said I'm sorry, what else would I do after such a harsh discussion? We agreed to stop talking for a while, I've trusted her to evaluate my character. I don't think there's an important detail that would change everything if I said it, I did tell her a lot about my personality before this.

If she was hurt this way before, how could I possibly have the right to say I'm different?

 

[SexyIncél]

I know for a fact she did the right thing.

Do you have info why she responded this way? Did she warn you beforehand?

Just based on the info you've shared so far, you're obviously not a piece of shit. (Or did I miss something?) People have all sorts of meta feelings, that they express in all sorts of ways. And in most cultures, people have crushes on each other; they flirt. Flirtation allows one to probe & retract their signals of attraction

In this case, maybe she has some kind of trauma, and exploded emotionally. If so, that's understandable. But decent friends are gracious about it as soon as they recover. You can pity them for any abuse they're received in life, but you don't have to internalize being a punching bag

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I still get a specific vibe from this. Without knowing whether she was hurt this way before, or whether it was something else, and what she said was rational on it's own. What you describe about them is exactly the same as what an infatuation would be. Without knowing the specifics of what occured, you probably hurt her feelings. Specifics of personality don't excuse anything, being sorry is everything. Anyway I think we're at an impasse.

you don't have to internalize being a punching bag

+1. And tbh too much self-pity is kind of giving off a narc vibe for me, it's very dramatic. Who are we supposed to feel sorry for? Them or her?

 

[DunnoMan]

I still get a specific vibe from this. Without knowing whether she was hurt this way before, or whether it was something else, and what she said was rational on it's own. What you describe about them is exactly the same as what an infatuation would be. Without knowing the specifics of what occured, you probably hurt her feelings. Specifics of personality don't excuse anything, being sorry is everything. Anyway I think we're at an impasse.

+1. And tbh too much self-pity is kind of giving off a narc vibe for me, it's very dramatic. Who are we supposed to feel sorry for? Them or her?

I deeply apologize for coming across like that. The point of my post was to vent about the anguish of realizing that I was more selfish / clueless than I thought, surely you have heard the regrets of a person who has mistreated someone they care about. I naively assumed that wouldn't happen to me, that being as genuine as possible and avoiding sensitive subjects when I should would prevent anything like that. But I slipped.

Regardless, I couldn't help but be dramatic and that probably made things much worse. The incident gave me a complete "what have I become" breakdown as opposed to just admitting I messed up and moving on. I felt like it would mean I didn't care if I forgave myself...

Do you have info why she responded this way? Did she warn you beforehand?

Just based on the info you've shared so far, you're obviously not a piece of shit. (Or did I miss something?) People have all sorts of meta feelings, that they express in all sorts of ways. And in most cultures, people have crushes on each other; they flirt. Flirtation allows one to probe & retract their signals of attraction

In this case, maybe she has some kind of trauma, and exploded emotionally. If so, that's understandable. But decent friends are gracious about it as soon as they recover. You can pity them for any abuse they're received in life, but you don't have to internalize being a punching bag

Unfortunately as I said above, we pretty much both broke down, and now that I think of it, I did first after being called out. I don't know how to help someone with trauma so I felt even more horrible when I realized that they were dealing with deeper pain thanks to this.

I call myself a bad person from some other problems I have, which I managed to hide until this happened. My primarily goal with her was just to have good times and even meet more friends together, bringing trauma into it is the complete opposite of what I wanted.

 

[HighFlight]

@DunnoMan - I understand how you feel, but for me, it's not over the internet. Since high school, I was that person who thought they read the other person right and then went ahead and said something stupid. As a result, I don't tend to join into conversations, and am constantly second guessing everything I say to people.

The internet makes things a little harder, as it's even more difficult to read someone you haven't met, or only know through the game. We don't know her situation and she may have her own issues she's dealing with.

Don't be too tough on yourself. And don't be afraid to vent to this community. There may be a difference of opinion at times, but overall this group has been open and understanding.

Hope things work out for you.