Venting Just venting

[aeolian_ursus]

Hi, new here. Don't know what to say really. 36 male. Suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Pretty sure it's an amalgam of autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, and borderline. Can't really seem to go anywhere in life. Really seems like life just keeps fucking me any chance it gets. My apartment fills with methane anytime my landlord dose laundry. My mom is in jail for her 3rd meth charge, and my dad is a crazy biker that hates LGBTQ (I'm omni). I know alot of it sounds petty, but there's alot more to it. I just don't feel as if I belong in this world. I've tried a few times in the past obviously being unsuccessful. I've tried to break myself mentally, even numb my emotions by being an absolute prick. Nothing seems to alleviate this bullshit. I'm really close to going through with my hopefully final attempt. However, I'm at an impass mentaly. I've 2 daughters one of wich I've never met, even though I desperately wanted to be in her life. My oldest however I talk to everyday. She's 13 and I think she may be my mental block. Need some advice on how to break through that wall, and maybe even something I could say to her, that she could understand and not hate herself or me for my shitty life. Thanks in advance

 

[sugarb]

Hi, new here. Don't know what to say really. 36 male. Suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. Pretty sure it's an amalgam of autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, and borderline. Can't really seem to go anywhere in life. Really seems like life just keeps fucking me any chance it gets. My apartment fills with methane anytime my landlord dose laundry. My mom is in jail for her 3rd meth charge, and my dad is a crazy biker that hates LGBTQ (I'm omni). I know alot of it sounds petty, but there's alot more to it. I just don't feel as if I belong in this world. I've tried a few times in the past obviously being unsuccessful. I've tried to break myself mentally, even numb my emotions by being an absolute prick. Nothing seems to alleviate this bullshit. I'm really close to going through with my hopefully final attempt. However, I'm at an impass mentaly. I've 2 daughters one of wich I've never met, even though I desperately wanted to be in her life. My oldest however I talk to everyday. She's 13 and I think she may be my mental block. Need some advice on how to break through that wall, and maybe even something I could say to her, that she could understand and not hate herself or me for my shitty life. Thanks in advance

Hi, 19m and autistic asw.

For me the easiest way to take guilt of hurting others out of my mind is to disassociate really heavily to the point nothing feels real and I'm extremely detached/apathetic.

As for what you should say- I'm not sure. Regardless of what you do she's going to be hurting somewhat. She's definitely too young to read a note right now, so if you write one it should probably be addressed to her in the future. If you're planning to speak to her in person- tell her you love her, maybe do something special to leave a good memory. If you tell her what you're going to do it'll destroy her.

If you can bear it, please seriously consider waiting. Waiting five or six would be best, but even just a one year delay would leave her much better off. Even six more months of developing without that trauma would help. My grandfather died (not of suicide) when I was about 13 and that messed me up significantly.

I'm sorry you're suffering like this, I hope you can find peace somehow