Venting Just Venting

[sirenangelbby]

Last September I finally thought I found the love of my life, my soulmate, and I was finally genuinely happy for the first time in what felt like forever. We did everything together but eventually started to argue a lot but this was only over text as we were perfect in person so we stayed together. Back in February they just threw me away like nothing over a situation I had with their family after admitting that it wasn't even my fault. This sent me into a deep depression as they had initially saved my life and I couldn't believe that they could just so easily leave me after everything we've been through and after the countless amounts of times I've forgiven them. This led to weeks of them playing with my emotions and breaking up with me and getting back together with me multiple times over a few weeks before just completely abandoning me for good. I freaked out after this and said a bunch of horrible things to them which I deeply regret. They gave me another chance at a friendship back in April and I fucked it up again by starting a stupid argument which led to them abandoning me again. I feel like I ruin every single thing I touch and every single person that comes into my life and it's just how life was meant to be for me. I'm so horrible that I can't even get someone who's been abusive towards me to stay in my life. I hate myself more than I hate anyone else on this planet. I've even posted screenshots of the abuse I dealt with from this person and people told me it was my fault. And of course I feel worthless for even wanting someone back who treated me horribly. They've told me to kill myself multiple times and I genuinely feel like their goal is to get me to snap and do so. I have no way out. I can't talk to someone new because this person has ruined my ability to trust others as things can be going perfect one day and be ruined the next. I also can't see myself ever loving someone else the way I loved them. I cry constantly and have given myself a concussion from banging my head against the wall and hitting myself. I'm unable to enjoy things anymore as all I can think about is how much of a horrible person I am and how I ruin everything. Not even half an hour goes by that I don't contemplate ending things.

 

[90starve]

reading this, it sounds like i wrote it - hoping you can find a way to heal from this experience, in your own time <3

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful and painful what you go through, to me other people certainly cannot be trusted and relied on, I find it horrible how humans just very often create even more suffering. But anyway best wishes.

 

[todiefor]

Yeah as I read this I feels like I wrote it myself, except the crying and head banging part because I have no tears left and I don't can't afford to wake the neighbours and get sent somewhere.

I'm sorry OP, I can relate, especially the part where you so painfully said that you can't even get someone who abuses you to love you. Both you and I obviously deserve better, but it doesn't meant it doesn't hurt or we don't blame ourselves. It's because we are not narcissistic sociopaths. This person sounds like a manipulative asshole maliciously hurting you on purpose to satisfy his own ego. You are angry and hurting. It isn't you, you do deserve to be loved.