I just want to vent a little. Say some things that I can't say anywhere else. I've been feeling very suicidal this last month, I now have access to two different methods and I can ctb whenever I want to. I live alone and won't be interrupted. Which comforts me. I have my plan for SN all worked out and I look through the steps regularly, make adjustments and have rewritten my suicide note several times. I have SN, meto and propanolol. I have a folder containing some documents with necessary information that I can leave on my desk for people to find. I've managed everything on my computer and know exactly what to do and what to delete when the time comes. Also drafts for the emails I'm planning to send. I cleaned out old stuff in my apartment. And I also donated some money to charity. I'm prepared.
It's been like the person that's trapped inside the burning building. I've been burned to a crisp. I didn't jump. The flames have been subsiding a bit. I don't know when I'll finally ctb. I'm just existing for the moment. I find myself trying again. And that feels strange and empty. Nobody knows exactly how close I have been and it's impossible to explain. Glad I can at least write it down on SS.
It's been like the person that's trapped inside the burning building. I've been burned to a crisp. I didn't jump. The flames have been subsiding a bit. I don't know when I'll finally ctb. I'm just existing for the moment. I find myself trying again. And that feels strange and empty. Nobody knows exactly how close I have been and it's impossible to explain. Glad I can at least write it down on SS.
