Just told my husband I don't want to be with him anymore

[Winry]

It's not bc I don't love him. It's bc I love him too much. I don't want him to find me after I CTB. I don't want him to come looking for me. If I can convince him I don't love him anymore then maybe he'll hate me enough to not care when I eventually do CBT.

We've been inseparable for ten years and I know he sees a long future with me but I can't take the pain anymore. I don't want anymore flashbacks. As soon as I can get SN I'm CTB. I can't afford to keep living just for the sake of someone else.

I'll be leaving my parrots to my siblings and planning my suicide note in the coming week.

Any advice on dealing with the numbness and emptiness this is making me feel?

 

[releasespieces]

Its inevitable that you're going to feel uncomfortable doing all of this. Not only are you fighting your SI, but you're also destroying a life long relationship with someone you don't want to hurt. There is very little you can do to mitigate your suffering in this position, perhaps the only solace you'll get is focusing on the peace you hope you will get from CTB. It can be seen as a necessary evil as they say, but is your husband going to be affected the way you hope he will be? Will he understand why you were ending your relationship with him after he finds out about your death? Will it matter if you end it with him or will you hurt him just as much either way?

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm so sorry. Trauma flashbacks? Are they related to your husband? I have been having a lot of flashbacks too, not directly related to my wife but from past sexual trauma. I wish I could distance myself from her the way you have with your husband before I CTB but I can't bear to do it.

 

[Winry]

I'm so sorry. Trauma flashbacks? Are they related to your husband? I have been having a lot of flashbacks too, not directly related to my wife but from past sexual trauma. I wish I could distance myself from her the way you have with your husband before I CTB but I can't bear to do it.

They're related to me being SAed in my teenage years and in college. My husband has always been my rock but I can't stick around for him anymore. I'm sorry to hear that you're having flashbacks too. They're a bitch

 

[DeathToSpiesSMERSH]

I'm afraid your husband is going to be devastated whether you're with him or not, he might see what happened and connect the dots. Why not take solace having him around still and be open with how you're feeling? Does he know you have suicidal ideation and are actively planning?

 

[Winry]

Its inevitable that you're going to feel uncomfortable doing all of this. Not only are you fighting your SI, but you're also destroying a life long relationship with someone you don't want to hurt. There is very little you can do to mitigate your suffering in this position, perhaps the only solace you'll get is focusing on the peace you hope you will get from CTB. It can be seen as a necessary evil as they say, but is your husband going to be affected the way you hope he will be? Will he understand why you were ending your relationship with him after he finds out about your death? Will it matter if you end it with him or will you hurt him just as much either way?

Maybe it won't matter in the long run bc I know it'll hurt him either way when he finds out. But it makes me feel more confident in my decision to CTB when I inflict the pain of separating from him upon myself. It makes it easier to make this choice without him around.

I've been thinking about going camping in a forest to do it. Maybe he'd think I just went missing. Idk

 

[western_heart]

I'm so sorry.

I don't know how to make it easier. I am not strong enough to leave my partner, she says she would ctb if I do. I know my death would destroy her. So I try to stick around.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable deciding to keep your distance. It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation. It's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in, but anyway best wishes.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

They're related to me being SAed in my teenage years and in college. My husband has always been my rock but I can't stick around for him anymore. I'm sorry to hear that you're having flashbacks too. They're a bitch

Same here. The SA and the sticking around for your partner. Hugs to you.

 

[cogmachine]

as someone that actively tried to make someone hate me so i can feel less remorse, i'm not sure if i'd say it's worth it. i sincerely doubt trying that will make them hurt less, moreso that their last memories of you will be confusing and / or painful.

 

[missingpeace]

Maybe you can express your pain more often, that way when you do, do it, it won't come as a surprise? And he will be somewhat glad that you are relieved?

 

[Worndown]

Can you ctb someplace where he will not be the one finding you?

 

[Winry]

I'm afraid your husband is going to be devastated whether you're with him or not, he might see what happened and connect the dots. Why not take solace having him around still and be open with how you're feeling? Does he know you have suicidal ideation and are actively planning?

I'm leaving him bc the pain is giving me the last push I need to ctb. He knows but I don't think to what extent. I've been suicidal since I was 13 so I think my family and close friends expect it, they just don't know when it'll happen. If that makes sense...

Can you ctb someplace where he will not be the one finding you?

Thinking about "going camping" and doing it out there

 

[Grav]

as someone that actively tried to make someone hate me so i can feel less remorse, i'm not sure if i'd say it's worth it. i sincerely doubt trying that will make them hurt less, moreso that their last memories of you will be confusing and / or painful.

I think this will be the result as well. Part of my reason for sticking around is my daughter and disappearing or pushing her away would be more damaging than being close. I've been really open with my wife on my thoughts, moods, and how to handle my stuff but limit actual plans. Every situation is different so do what's best for you. Sucks you and others are at this point.