synthcadia
dissociated angel.
- Jul 8, 2023
- 245
i just feel like i keep spiraling. like last night, i think the weight of everything hit me. i was watching a kdrama where this god who can destroy the world and a girl who has 3 months to live meet. i think it was the cancer part that made me crack.
i had gone downstairs then and thought about ctbing on my ADHD pills, but i was worried about living and incurring more debt. and then i thought about stabbing myself with a knife, but i'm too chickenshit.
and i'm just tired.
and i'm racked with anxiety. like i've been trying to meet people and this one person who is chill has been kinda flirty towards me? i have a partner but my abandonment issues run so high that i'm afraid to tell them i have a partner cause i'm afraid he'll just stop talking to me. (and of course i'm not doing anything and he has suggested sending shit and i have politely declined - and i'm acting the same way i would normally too.)
i just hate my life overall. i hate my being, myself, my weight, my appearance, my circumstances, my family, everything. i wish i had a different life. i wish everything could be different.
sometimes i feel the temptation to just let go and go crazy and do stuff that'll hurt other people, like my partner, because in my mind, i'll ctb in the end. but i mean i LOVE my partner. the distance is just killing me. and i am more socially deprived. and my partner knows i need friends and trusts me. i wish i trusted myself more. (and i would NEVER do anything intentionally flirty or anything. and the issue here is autism too.)
overall, just fucking tired and i wanna be dead.
to add onto this, i dont know if the person KNOWS i have a partner or not, cause i stated it very clearly ;; and i hate how scared i am to say "hey i have a partner" etc., but like i know that all flirtations are coming from their end. and on a positive note, i am still resisting caving into self-sabotage which is an upside.
i think something else that makes this so much more complicated is my DID- i can't control the behavior of my alters. i take accountability, but i can't control them. i just can't because it's a separate state of consciousness. it's me but also NOT me.
and one of them is just chilling and is acting like me but he says that we are fine, and he won't do shit but he also isn't anxious. but i dunno.
i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and i'm trying not to be a bad person. distance is just killing me, along with depression, trauma, and social isolation.
i had gone downstairs then and thought about ctbing on my ADHD pills, but i was worried about living and incurring more debt. and then i thought about stabbing myself with a knife, but i'm too chickenshit.
and i'm just tired.
and i'm racked with anxiety. like i've been trying to meet people and this one person who is chill has been kinda flirty towards me? i have a partner but my abandonment issues run so high that i'm afraid to tell them i have a partner cause i'm afraid he'll just stop talking to me. (and of course i'm not doing anything and he has suggested sending shit and i have politely declined - and i'm acting the same way i would normally too.)
i just hate my life overall. i hate my being, myself, my weight, my appearance, my circumstances, my family, everything. i wish i had a different life. i wish everything could be different.
sometimes i feel the temptation to just let go and go crazy and do stuff that'll hurt other people, like my partner, because in my mind, i'll ctb in the end. but i mean i LOVE my partner. the distance is just killing me. and i am more socially deprived. and my partner knows i need friends and trusts me. i wish i trusted myself more. (and i would NEVER do anything intentionally flirty or anything. and the issue here is autism too.)
overall, just fucking tired and i wanna be dead.
to add onto this, i dont know if the person KNOWS i have a partner or not, cause i stated it very clearly ;; and i hate how scared i am to say "hey i have a partner" etc., but like i know that all flirtations are coming from their end. and on a positive note, i am still resisting caving into self-sabotage which is an upside.
i think something else that makes this so much more complicated is my DID- i can't control the behavior of my alters. i take accountability, but i can't control them. i just can't because it's a separate state of consciousness. it's me but also NOT me.
and one of them is just chilling and is acting like me but he says that we are fine, and he won't do shit but he also isn't anxious. but i dunno.
i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and i'm trying not to be a bad person. distance is just killing me, along with depression, trauma, and social isolation.
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