Venting Just rehomed my cat, in preparation for what comes next

[Egddios]

In planning to end my life, which the day seems to be rapidly approaching, I was at a loss thinking or wondering what would happen to my sweet cat who I've had for about a year. I'm mostly a loner, I rarely leave my apartment and my cat was my companion, one of my best friends. I imagined once I did CTB, what would happen to her? Would she end up taken away by animal control and put in some kind of shelter or euthanized?

I know once I'm gone, nobody in my immediate "family" would want to care for her; my father isn't a fan of cats and my sister lives hours away, in North Carolina (I'm here in New England). Anyhow, I put an ad on CL and was super surprised how many people reached out, interested in giving her a new loving and safe home.

I said goodbye to her about an hour ago, a nice family came to pick her up and it was gut wrenching really, to pack up all her toys and things and tell her I love her one last time. I hope with all my heart this family loves her and cares for her and gives her the life she so deserves.

I guess this is part one of putting my plans in motion. It feels surreal now, being here in the apartment without her, but I know this is for the best.

I'm wrestling with going forward, with giving my life one more shot but every day I wake up with the same feeling of, why am I still here? What's the point anymore? I'm diagnosed with PTSD/MDD/Panic disorder and it seems as though the new psychiatrist I started seeing is eyeing a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. While I somewhat agree this is likely what I "have", I also feel more like it's a damning diagnosis. I feel like a lost cause at this point and have wanted to end my life for so long, I can't remember what it felt like to not want to end my life.

I've had three failed attempts, have tried ECT treatments, therapy, so many medications...I've been raped, abused, threatened by my now estranged mother...it's been one hell of a journey. I just want peace, you know?

If/when I CTB, this last attempt will likely be via the night night method. Anyhow, I'm feeling so many things at the moment; happiness for my cat, who has a real shot at having a good and loving, stable home. Heartbroken I had to give her up, but I know it's for the best.

Vent over. Thanks for reading/listening. Wishing all of you peace out there.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

That is so unfortunate. My family haves 4 adult cats, 2 young cats and 2 adult dogs living with us and we couldn't think of giving any of them, no matter how much problems they create and how expensive it is to take care of all of them. Luckily when I leave this place they will have many people they have grown with still taking care of them. My consolation is that cats are very different than dogs and they will forget me easily. I'm sorry that you had to went through this. Sending you hugs.

 

[Egddios]

That is so unfortunate. My family haves 4 adult cats, 2 young cats and 2 adult dogs living with us and we couldn't think of giving any of them, no matter how much problems they create and how expensive it is to take care of all of them. Luckily when I leave this place they will have many people they have grown with still taking care of them. My consolation is that cats are very different than dogs and they will forget me easily. I'm sorry that you had to went through this. Sending you hugs.

Ugh, thank you. I tried so hard to hang in, hang on for her, but I'm just deteriorating. She's the sweetest girl, she's so beautiful and would lay with me when I was down, which was a lot of the time. I was mostly afraid of where she would end up without me here, and felt like I should try and find her a new family. It breaks my heart. I hope she acclimates well to her new home and with her new family, and I take comfort in what you said about how cats sort of move on quickly or "forget", unlike dogs. My dog is living with my father at this point, and my father takes really good care of him and my dog has a good life there. This whole process and situation is ripping me apart. Thank you for your response.

 

[dandan]

thankyou for taking care of the cat! cool, I like cats and dogs equally very much....

I plan to setup a networking pyramid business before I go.... I have it in motion.. .yeah like a pyramid scheme,,,,, transparent,, where all the money on top goes to good donations, like helping stray dogs and cats.... well that what im working on.... I believe I have to leave something behind... let it be that one thing I leave behind..

 

[Soul]

You're very caring to ensure your cat a good life, first with you and now with a family. I can imagine how hard it was to say goodbye. (((speechless hugs)))

 

[Egddios]

You're very caring to ensure your cat a good life, first with you and now with a family. I can imagine how hard it was to say goodbye. (((speechless hugs)))

Hugs right back to you, thank you - I needed this

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

In planning to end my life, which the day seems to be rapidly approaching, I was at a loss thinking or wondering what would happen to my sweet cat who I've had for about a year. I'm mostly a loner, I rarely leave my apartment and my cat was my companion, one of my best friends. I imagined once I did CTB, what would happen to her? Would she end up taken away by animal control and put in some kind of shelter or euthanized?

I know once I'm gone, nobody in my immediate "family" would want to care for her; my father isn't a fan of cats and my sister lives hours away, in North Carolina (I'm here in New England). Anyhow, I put an ad on CL and was super surprised how many people reached out, interested in giving her a new loving and safe home.

I said goodbye to her about an hour ago, a nice family came to pick her up and it was gut wrenching really, to pack up all her toys and things and tell her I love her one last time. I hope with all my heart this family loves her and cares for her and gives her the life she so deserves.

I guess this is part one of putting my plans in motion. It feels surreal now, being here in the apartment without her, but I know this is for the best.

I'm wrestling with going forward, with giving my life one more shot but every day I wake up with the same feeling of, why am I still here? What's the point anymore? I'm diagnosed with PTSD/MDD/Panic disorder and it seems as though the new psychiatrist I started seeing is eyeing a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. While I somewhat agree this is likely what I "have", I also feel more like it's a damning diagnosis. I feel like a lost cause at this point and have wanted to end my life for so long, I can't remember what it felt like to not want to end my life.

I've had three failed attempts, have tried ECT treatments, therapy, so many medications...I've been raped, abused, threatened by my now estranged mother...it's been one hell of a journey. I just want peace, you know?

If/when I CTB, this last attempt will likely be via the night night method. Anyhow, I'm feeling so many things at the moment; happiness for my cat, who has a real shot at having a good and loving, stable home. Heartbroken I had to give her up, but I know it's for the best.

Vent over. Thanks for reading/listening. Wishing all of you peace out there.

Hugs.... from the depths of my heart. I know how close I am to my pet and saying goodbye to them makes it all the more difficult... you were very compassionate to truly care for your cat and make sure they were taken care of by a loving family. My sincerest wishes for peace for you... hugs...

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

@Egddios: thank you for caring about the cat so much. That sort of thoughtfulness and foresight is IMO the mark of a good person.

 

[andy69]

My cat is fifteen years old. I don't want to leave her because she doesn't get along with other people.

 

[Egddios]

@Egddios: thank you for caring about the cat so much. That sort of thoughtfulness and foresight is IMO the mark of a good person.

This has been a hard day. Thank you for your message, it means a lot. I'm a mess, missing her and hoping she's alright tonight and for all the nights ahead. My baby girl. It was the best thing I could do considering the situation I'm in.

Thank you

Hugs.... from the depths of my heart. I know how close I am to my pet and saying goodbye to them makes it all the more difficult... you were very compassionate to truly care for your cat and make sure they were taken care of by a loving family. My sincerest wishes for peace for you... hugs...

Hugs to you, too - thank you. Truly. Thank you for your message and words, this has been such a difficult, surreal day. I still think she's going to come and jump up on the bed with me. But, ugh...holding back an ocean of tears here, I hope and hope she finds her new home full of love and new friends. I wanted the best life possible for her, and she has a chance for that now. I was so very lucky for the time I had with her.

Thank you again.

My cat is fifteen years old. I don't want to leave her because she doesn't get along with other people.

Aww, I'll bet your cat is a sweetie. I spend most of my time solo, and my cat was with me through some dark, dark times this past year. I love her so much, my heart is breaking over again as I write this but yeah...once I'm gone, I just feared so much she'd be tossed out, ending up in some cold, uncaring place. The solace I take is in knowing she's in a warm, loving home again now, with a new family and a fighting chance at having a great cat life ahead.

 

[been_there]

Are you going to visit your dad and dog before you go?

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

This has been a hard day. Thank you for your message, it means a lot. I'm a mess, missing her and hoping she's alright tonight and for all the nights ahead. My baby girl. It was the best thing I could do considering the situation I'm in.

Thank you ❤


Hugs to you, too - thank you. Truly. Thank you for your message and words, this has been such a difficult, surreal day. I still think she's going to come and jump up on the bed with me. But, ugh...holding back an ocean of tears here, I hope and hope she finds her new home full of love and new friends. I wanted the best life possible for her, and she has a chance for that now. I was so very lucky for the time I had with her.

Thank you again.


Aww, I'll bet your cat is a sweetie. I spend most of my time solo, and my cat was with me through some dark, dark times this past year. I love her so much, my heart is breaking over again as I write this but yeah...once I'm gone, I just feared so much she'd be tossed out, ending up in some cold, uncaring place. The solace I take is in knowing she's in a warm, loving home again now, with a new family and a fighting chance at having a great cat life ahead.

You have such a kind heart... much love to you. Allow those tears to come, you are allowed and it's ok. Hugs...

 

[Jen0804]

Same sityation as me I just took my cat of 11yrs to her new home. Hope that they both settle in

 

[Egddios]

Are you going to visit your dad and dog before you go?

I saw my dad the weekend before last, and got to see my dog, which in my head I was thinking "Ok, this is likely the last time I'm going to be with the both of them." I couldn't let on what my plans are, so I had to try my best to hold it together. I loved to see my dog, he is my baby boy, had him since he was a pup and he is just the sweetest, most special being in my life. I spent some time with him outside in the sunshine, and just watched him and enjoyed being with him, knowing again in my mind it was likely our last time together. I gave him so many kisses (and he to me) and hugged him and told him I love him so much.

My father, last we spoke was on Father's day which....I almost didn't call, because I feel like I'm cursed with holidays and always seem to cause someone grief. Anyhow, I did end up calling him and he had been waiting for my call, told me he was waiting for me to call so he could open the card I had left for him. That broke my heart a bit.

You have such a kind heart... much love to you. Allow those tears to come, you are allowed and it's ok. Hugs...

Much love to you, too. I like your user name, btw. The Smashing Pumpkins were my first real concert, I think I was 14 or 15 - such a good memory. Loved them, still do, though it's been a while since I listened to their songs. Thank you for your message

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

@Egddios - it sounds like you have so much turmoil in your spirit. I truly hope you find the place of peace you're looking for. Getting these emotions out on this platform has played a huge part in feeling connected to others who have felt the same and not afraid to confront it. Please do be sure you have thought about your plans thoroughly and completely. My heart does ache for you.

 

[Egddios]

Same sityation as me I just took my cat of 11yrs to her new home. Hope that they both settle in

My heart is heavy yet hopeful for their new homes Sending a hug for you.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

In planning to end my life, which the day seems to be rapidly approaching, I was at a loss thinking or wondering what would happen to my sweet cat who I've had for about a year. I'm mostly a loner, I rarely leave my apartment and my cat was my companion, one of my best friends. I imagined once I did CTB, what would happen to her? Would she end up taken away by animal control and put in some kind of shelter or euthanized?

I know once I'm gone, nobody in my immediate "family" would want to care for her; my father isn't a fan of cats and my sister lives hours away, in North Carolina (I'm here in New England). Anyhow, I put an ad on CL and was super surprised how many people reached out, interested in giving her a new loving and safe home.

I said goodbye to her about an hour ago, a nice family came to pick her up and it was gut wrenching really, to pack up all her toys and things and tell her I love her one last time. I hope with all my heart this family loves her and cares for her and gives her the life she so deserves.

I guess this is part one of putting my plans in motion. It feels surreal now, being here in the apartment without her, but I know this is for the best.

I'm wrestling with going forward, with giving my life one more shot but every day I wake up with the same feeling of, why am I still here? What's the point anymore? I'm diagnosed with PTSD/MDD/Panic disorder and it seems as though the new psychiatrist I started seeing is eyeing a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. While I somewhat agree this is likely what I "have", I also feel more like it's a damning diagnosis. I feel like a lost cause at this point and have wanted to end my life for so long, I can't remember what it felt like to not want to end my life.

I've had three failed attempts, have tried ECT treatments, therapy, so many medications...I've been raped, abused, threatened by my now estranged mother...it's been one hell of a journey. I just want peace, you know?

If/when I CTB, this last attempt will likely be via the night night method. Anyhow, I'm feeling so many things at the moment; happiness for my cat, who has a real shot at having a good and loving, stable home. Heartbroken I had to give her up, but I know it's for the best.

Vent over. Thanks for reading/listening. Wishing all of you peace out there.

So sorry you had to give your cat away. Even though it was the right thing to do. I hope she is safe and cared for.
I would love to have a cat but since I'm hoping to eventually CTB as well, I can't see that being fair to it. I love animals and hate to see them suffering.
I pray you find the peace you are looking for. Maybe we will see each other in the endless void.

 

[Egddios]

@Egddios - it sounds like you have so much turmoil in your spirit. I truly hope you find the place of peace you're looking for. Getting these emotions out on this platform has played a huge part in feeling connected to others who have felt the same and not afraid to confront it. Please do be sure you have thought about your plans thoroughly and completely. My heart does ache for you.

You're probably right re: the turmoil in my spirit. I am, despite it all, the pain, the anguish, I will be sad to end it here, at 36. On one hand, I've made it further than I imagined I would, and on the other I think, I can't last much longer feeling just utterly shattered. I can remember years of feeling hatred towards myself, feeling disbelief at the thought of ever even liking who I am. I am grateful at least before I go, I was able to realize a lot of times in my life, it was simply not safe for me to be me, you know? And while it stings to realize that, it gives me some peace to know I don't hate myself and I'm not ending my life because I want to destroy my being and/or think I deserve death. No. I just feel, like many others, like I truly cannot take it anymore. I'm exhausted in trying to silence this pain inside of me, and feel such deep, deep sadness. I will miss so many things about being "alive", like hearing music, laughing, seeing and hugging my dog, helping other people out when I can, being of use....

I just feel broken. And it's too late to put myself back together.

Thank you for your message

 

[been_there]

Man, that's so sweet with your dog. Even your dad seemed to be making an effort there. I've been through all the 'lost cause' thing myself, on bad days I was/am convinced I'm a waste of space. On good days I realised many people seemed like lost causes, but were actually struggling to communicate. It is so fucking hard.

I saw your post about speaking for people with MH issues, and wanted to share this from people in UK that do that, which made me smile when I was very dark. Its a bit bleak english humour, but see what you think. https://recoveryinthebin.org/a-simple-guide-to-how-to-be-a-good-psychotic/

You sound like a good caring person. You're not alone. Sending you support in spades.

 

[Egddios]

So sorry you had to give your cat away. Even though it was the right thing to do. I hope she is safe and cared for.
I would love to have a cat but since I'm hoping to eventually CTB as well, I can't see that being fair to it. I love animals and hate to see them suffering.
I pray you find the peace you are looking for. Maybe we will see each other in the endless void.

Maybe we do. Reminds me of that song, "we'll make great pets...". I like to think all of us here, no matter what ends up happening to each of us, we'll all meet up in some form, finally at peace. Maybe in our collective dreams.

There's another lyric from a different song I read earlier today:

"Show me the way to get out of this world, 'cause that's where everything is..."

 

[Superfluous]

I did the same for my cat just a few short weeks ago. She acclimatised quickly to her new home and I still get regular pics and videos and she's happy. I too was in tears when she left. I'm in tears now reading this and remembering, so I know what you're gong through.

The people here were so supportive at the time and really helped me through the situation.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

You're probably right re: the turmoil in my spirit. I am, despite it all, the pain, the anguish, I will be sad to end it here, at 36. On one hand, I've made it further than I imagined I would, and on the other I think, I can't last much longer feeling just utterly shattered. I can remember years of feeling hatred towards myself, feeling disbelief at the thought of ever even liking who I am. I am grateful at least before I go, I was able to realize a lot of times in my life, it was simply not safe for me to be me, you know? And while it stings to realize that, it gives me some peace to know I don't hate myself and I'm not ending my life because I want to destroy my being and/or think I deserve death. No. I just feel, like many others, like I truly cannot take it anymore. I'm exhausted in trying to silence this pain inside of me, and feel such deep, deep sadness. I will miss so many things about being "alive", like hearing music, laughing, seeing and hugging my dog, helping other people out when I can, being of use....

I just feel broken. And it's too late to put myself back together.

Thank you for your message ❤

I can't even begin to describe how much this resonates within my own soul. I just turned 37 and feel the same feelings although I have kids and a dog and my bus isn't coming until the kids are 18... a good 5-6 years from now. My dog is 8 and she will probably go when they do, but I know if she goes earlier than that, my date may change.

You truly seem like a wholesome good soul, I wish I could give you a real hug. Not the fake 2 second hugs, but the one where you linger and feel that connection... to make this moment feel a little more bearable. So I send it to you via virtual hugs. The kind that touches, because you have touched my soul along with others. And you deserve that.

 

[Egddios]

Man, that's so sweet with your dog. Even your dad seemed to be making an effort there. I've been through all the 'lost cause' thing myself, on bad days I was/am convinced I'm a waste of space. On good days I realised many people seemed like lost causes, but were actually struggling to communicate. It is so fucking hard.

I saw your post about speaking for people with MH issues, and wanted to share this from people in UK that do that, which made me smile when I was very dark. Its a bit bleak english humour, but see what you think. https://recoveryinthebin.org/a-simple-guide-to-how-to-be-a-good-psychotic/

You sound like a good caring person. You're not alone. Sending you support in spades.

Ah, you made me laugh with that link - thank you, I needed that, truly.

"If you're asked 'are you hearing voices' reply 'yes yours…' and never ask, "Did you hear that?" Ay, I smiled AND laughed.

Thank you, a hug

I can't even begin to describe how much this resonates within my own soul. I just turned 37 and feel the same feelings although I have kids and a dog and my bus isn't coming until the kids are 18... a good 5-6 years from now. My dog is 8 and she will probably go when they do, but I know if she goes earlier than that, my date may change.

You truly seem like a wholesome good soul, I wish I could give you a real hug. Not the fake 2 second hugs, but the one where you linger and feel that connection... to make this moment feel a little more bearable. So I send it to you via virtual hugs. The kind that touches, because you have touched my soul along with others. And you deserve that.

I would very much like that hug, you know? I know I need it, and I sense your sincerity. I so appreciate your words and support. I have tears streaming down my face, I know we are not alone.

Thank you

 

[Jen0804]

My heart is heavy yet hopeful for their new homes ❤ Sending a hug for you.

HUgs back !!

 

[been_there]

Shit Egddios. Loadsa hugs here. Go get your dog back, imagine how he'd like this

 

[mathieu]

I can't imagine how hard that would be. I should do the same with my dog before I go but I just can't. Thankfully my family will make sure he's cared for after I go. I've discussed it with them.