Venting "Just play the hands you're dealt"

[spinningship]

I don't want to anymore. I know how the film ends I know how it plays out it's just downhill from here. Anything short of a fucking miracle means i'm going to be a fucking dead beat loser end of my degree. I feel like with autism you either are a genius and change the world or you're not given a fucking thing. I'm lucky to have some level of talent but not enough. Even if I did what would that make me? Just a resource to be plundered by the world. They never really care about you no matter what you do.

It's hard to explain some days I wake up feeling more autistic than other days and it's just like my whole body is off and my face is off the entire day.

I just know i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. And i'm treated like i'm hostile when i'm just trying to survive. I genuinely think life would be fun if I could comfortably socialise with others. So much interesting shit to do. Can't do any of it on your own. I wish I could be happy on my own, and I am a lot of the time but some days it just eats away at you.

I can't even blame society I know how I come off and I know why i'm interpreted that way, my voice is monotone and my facial expression are forced and I don't make eye contact. Nothing I say sounds genuine. Of course people don't like me. I make them uncomfortable it's better for everyone I just stick to myself.

But it's so fucking lonely on my own I hate it so much every second on my own is torture.

I'm at a top uni but it doesn't feel like an achievement to me it just feels like I got in because I was obsessed with maths to the exclusion of everything that really matters, so even thinking about it just makes me feel like a loser.

The worst part of being at this uni is i'm surrounded by very wealthy, charismatic people privately educated who seem like they've never had to worry about anything in their lives. They are having the time of their lives and living so freely and going to all these fancy events and parties and things. It's not like I really want to be at these events but feeling like I can't go to anything without there being a glass wall between me and the rest of society is so hard. It's like a mirage seeing people living this glamorous lifestyle in front of me.

I mean really the whole point of existence is to connect with other people. If you can't genuinely connect with others i'm sorry you may as well never have existed.

I've often wondered if this is what hell is. I wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life to deserve this. Like you would have to think for a long fucking time to come up with this awful of a punishment. It's a work of genius autism. Literally the worst thing that any could possibly experience.

The thing that is keeping me going is my family and a kind of pipe dream of maybe contributing to ai research because I feel i'm quite well placed to be able to participate in the next few years and it's fascinating to me. Maybe they could cure autism I don't know.

I thought I had nd friends but even the people i'm kind of friendly with are distant and hard to reach. I feel I have good conversations with people in person but i'm doing something wrong in the in between periods to drive them away. I have no idea about texting etiquette or any of that shit so I just don't text unless they reach out to me. I suppose even for other autistic people i'm too aloof.

 

[clicmsf]

The statement play with the hands you're dealt with is the most ridiculous thing I've heard. I hate the hands I'm dealt with. I hate Playing this game. They say life is movie and there's gonna be good and bad in it. Who gives a fuck? I didn't ask to watch this movie. I hate my parents for 2 reasons. First one is having sex and making me while not knowing how to actually be a parent. And the second one is, being so obsessed with me. Only if they cared less (or maybe more) they would've understood that I don't wanna live anymore. I understand you and i wish all of us can finally find a way out of this shithole together.

 

[EndlessDream]

The hands dealt are the suicide methods I can choose

 

[SamTam33]

We do play the hands we are dealt. Then we fold when we don't foresee ourselves winning.

"Folding is the act of ending participation in a hand."

People who say stuff like that don't even stop to think about what it means. You can't play a hand forever.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable not wishing to prolong this existence. I hate the pro suffering attitude that existence is some kind of obligation, that we must continue existing at all costs and that exiting this life is something unacceptable. The truth is that nobody should feel like they have to stay here for any longer than they wish to, it's a personal decision when to leave behind this life and nobody else should have any say in it. I personally see no value to feeling trapped in an existence not worth enduring.

 

[missingpeace]

I'm so sorry for what your going through, your obviously consciously aware of what your missing out on and you have no ability to stop that from happening. It must be so disheartening to feel so lonely not be able to feel accepted and loved as you are. I think since your at college around young people, you won't find they can empathise with your situation. Is there a special needs university club there where you can meet other autistic people? Otherwise you might just have to try and look at outside of your college to find genuine people you can hang out with.

 

[d1987]

I don't want to anymore. I know how the film ends I know how it plays out it's just downhill from here. Anything short of a fucking miracle means i'm going to be a fucking dead beat loser end of my degree. I feel like with autism you either are a genius and change the world or you're not given a fucking thing. I'm lucky to have some level of talent but not enough. Even if I did what would that make me? Just a resource to be plundered by the world. They never really care about you no matter what you do.

It's hard to explain some days I wake up feeling more autistic than other days and it's just like my whole body is off and my face is off the entire day.

I just know i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. And i'm treated like i'm hostile when i'm just trying to survive. I genuinely think life would be fun if I could comfortably socialise with others. So much interesting shit to do. Can't do any of it on your own. I wish I could be happy on my own, and I am a lot of the time but some days it just eats away at you.

I can't even blame society I know how I come off and I know why i'm interpreted that way, my voice is monotone and my facial expression are forced and I don't make eye contact. Nothing I say sounds genuine. Of course people don't like me. I make them uncomfortable it's better for everyone I just stick to myself.

But it's so fucking lonely on my own I hate it so much every second on my own is torture.

I'm at a top uni but it doesn't feel like an achievement to me it just feels like I got in because I was obsessed with maths to the exclusion of everything that really matters, so even thinking about it just makes me feel like a loser.

The worst part of being at this uni is i'm surrounded by very wealthy, charismatic people privately educated who seem like they've never had to worry about anything in their lives. They are having the time of their lives and living so freely and going to all these fancy events and parties and things. It's not like I really want to be at these events but feeling like I can't go to anything without there being a glass wall between me and the rest of society is so hard. It's like a mirage seeing people living this glamorous lifestyle in front of me.

I mean really the whole point of existence is to connect with other people. If you can't genuinely connect with others i'm sorry you may as well never have existed.

I've often wondered if this is what hell is. I wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life to deserve this. Like you would have to think for a long fucking time to come up with this awful of a punishment. It's a work of genius autism. Literally the worst thing that any could possibly experience.

The thing that is keeping me going is my family and a kind of pipe dream of maybe contributing to ai research because I feel i'm quite well placed to be able to participate in the next few years and it's fascinating to me. Maybe they could cure autism I don't know.

I thought I had nd friends but even the people i'm kind of friendly with are distant and hard to reach. I feel I have good conversations with people in person but i'm doing something wrong in the in between periods to drive them away. I have no idea about texting etiquette or any of that shit so I just don't text unless they reach out to me. I suppose even for other autistic people i'm too aloof.

Maybe this short film is of help http://amp.nowness.com/story/shy-radicals

 

[spinningship]

I'm so sorry for what your going through, your obviously consciously aware of what your missing out on and you have no ability to stop that from happening. It must be so disheartening to feel so lonely not be able to feel accepted and loved as you are. I think since your at college around young people, you won't find they can empathise with your situation. Is there a special needs university club there where you can meet other autistic people? Otherwise you might just have to try and look at outside of your college to find genuine people you can hang out with.

Thanks for replying :)

I'm lucky in that a lot of the people on my course (maths) are also autistic, and my uni in general it's something like 10% of people are diagnosed autistic, god knows how many undiagnosed. It's an incredibly competitive course so you end up with just super posh private kids and then everyone else somewhere on the spectrum.

I've expressed how I feel to the mental health advisor and that was one of the first things she said that loads of people here are on the spectrum. It doesn't help with the loneliness as much as you'd think it would. Yeah I feel bad that loads of people are likely in just as shitty of a situation as I am but it doesn't make me feel better about myself. Like I do speak to a couple autistic people and we share struggles just feels i'm more socially anxious than them.

It just feels like there's very few social opportunities that don't involve like dancing or drinking or neurotypical people getting rowdy which makes me uncomfortable. There might be some kind of neurodivergent club yeah.

I hadn't thought about making contacts outside of college that's a good point. I tend to just assume any kind of social life has to come from within the uni but i'm sure there's stuff that goes on outside as well.

 

[spinningship]

Maybe this short film is of help http://amp.nowness.com/story/shy-radicals

Wow I watched the whole thing. It resonates so much with me. I actually do feel a bit better.
There's a peaceful lake just like the one at the start of the film about 20 minutes walk from me, I might go there tomorrow.

 

[d1987]

Wow I watched the whole thing. It resonates so much with me. I actually do feel a bit better.
There's a peaceful lake just like the one at the start of the film about 20 minutes walk from me, I might go there tomorrow.

Right?! I'm really glad you feel a bit better :)

 

[tirednorthernsoul]

I'm so sorry you're going through such intense feelings of isolation. And playing the hand you're dealt is such bullshit when you never even consented to playing the game in the first place. That's how I see it at least.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Every good poker player knows when to continue to play and when to fold.

I was always too autistic to function for this world. Autism is terrible. Most autistic people choose to play their shitty hand because that's just what the majority of people do no matter what difficulties they are stricken with. Just because that's the normative thing doesn't mean it's the only reasonable option.

I hope you can find someone you connect with, though. It's frustrating because there's no guarantee you'll relate to or even like someone else just because they're on the spectrum. But they're probably feeling a similar hole in their life, so there is at least some common ground.

 

[HumansAreHell]

I don't want to anymore. I know how the film ends I know how it plays out it's just downhill from here. Anything short of a fucking miracle means i'm going to be a fucking dead beat loser end of my degree. I feel like with autism you either are a genius and change the world or you're not given a fucking thing. I'm lucky to have some level of talent but not enough. Even if I did what would that make me? Just a resource to be plundered by the world. They never really care about you no matter what you do.

It's hard to explain some days I wake up feeling more autistic than other days and it's just like my whole body is off and my face is off the entire day.

I just know i'll never be able to fit in anywhere. And i'm treated like i'm hostile when i'm just trying to survive. I genuinely think life would be fun if I could comfortably socialise with others. So much interesting shit to do. Can't do any of it on your own. I wish I could be happy on my own, and I am a lot of the time but some days it just eats away at you.

I can't even blame society I know how I come off and I know why i'm interpreted that way, my voice is monotone and my facial expression are forced and I don't make eye contact. Nothing I say sounds genuine. Of course people don't like me. I make them uncomfortable it's better for everyone I just stick to myself.

But it's so fucking lonely on my own I hate it so much every second on my own is torture.

I'm at a top uni but it doesn't feel like an achievement to me it just feels like I got in because I was obsessed with maths to the exclusion of everything that really matters, so even thinking about it just makes me feel like a loser.

The worst part of being at this uni is i'm surrounded by very wealthy, charismatic people privately educated who seem like they've never had to worry about anything in their lives. They are having the time of their lives and living so freely and going to all these fancy events and parties and things. It's not like I really want to be at these events but feeling like I can't go to anything without there being a glass wall between me and the rest of society is so hard. It's like a mirage seeing people living this glamorous lifestyle in front of me.

I mean really the whole point of existence is to connect with other people. If you can't genuinely connect with others i'm sorry you may as well never have existed.

I've often wondered if this is what hell is. I wonder what the fuck I did in a previous life to deserve this. Like you would have to think for a long fucking time to come up with this awful of a punishment. It's a work of genius autism. Literally the worst thing that any could possibly experience.

The thing that is keeping me going is my family and a kind of pipe dream of maybe contributing to ai research because I feel i'm quite well placed to be able to participate in the next few years and it's fascinating to me. Maybe they could cure autism I don't know.

I thought I had nd friends but even the people i'm kind of friendly with are distant and hard to reach. I feel I have good conversations with people in person but i'm doing something wrong in the in between periods to drive them away. I have no idea about texting etiquette or any of that shit so I just don't text unless they reach out to me. I suppose even for other autistic people i'm too aloof.

If you can't blame society then I will for you. I don't think it's okay that people treat others like you and I poorly just because we are different. So I think that does give us a right to blame them. People need to be better and they will never be able to do that when blindly judging others the way people continue to do. Not that blaming them does any good anyways.

I'm truly sorry that you feel so isolated all the time. It is absolute torture to feel like that constantly. I really truly wish I could help. Best of luck friend, we are here for you as much as we can be.