Discussion Just ordered my N... and have talked to family

[Dan23]

I am having a hard time talking on this site, -- opening up about it brings an undescribable emotion.

I talked to my mom about my plans and she said to wait a year.

The only reason I hadn't done it yet was because she said it would bring her so much pain. (Nobody else cares enough to matter.) But after talking to her about how serious I was about my pain and hopelessness she seemed to understand, and that I was already set on my decision, but wanted to be considerate to her.

She said a year would be considerate to wait, to minimize her suffering.

But since I just ordered it yesterday, I feel it becoming harder to have to wait that long.

But I told her I would.. So..

This is my first post on this site, and I am not sure if talking more about it will be helpful. I think it might, ; there are just so many unopened emotions that I have not even begun to pull up.

So, I guess talking to people on here could help me just sort through everything before I go.

..

 

[spanishguy22]

You don't deserve to suffer for so long, no matter what they say. Your mom isn't the one suffering with your pain, so only you can decide what's best for you, remember that.

 

[Dan23]

Yeah, the more time that goes by the less I feel regarding her pain.
I'm also afraid that come a year from now, she'll start checking up on me at night... and her anxiety around when it might happen might intensify things.

Yeah, the more time that goes by the less I feel regarding her pain.

@spanishguy22

 

[Alchemist]

And a year after that she'll ask for another year and so forth. Basically she's saying that you should be miserable because she doesn't want to feel bad. You do you and wait if you want, but think about yourself when it's you can't bear it anymore. She forced you to live without consent, but she can't force you to not die.

 

[Dan23]

And a year after that she'll ask for another year and so forth. Basically she's saying that you should be miserable because she doesn't want to feel bad. You do you and wait if you want, but think about yourself when it's you can't bear it anymore. She forced you to live without consent, but she can't force you to not die.

Well, the thing is, I haven't seen her in a couple years very much. I was at University for a while, then living on my own, then after things collapsed I lived with my dad for a couple years, and treatment centers/rehabs.

I've only really been back living with her now for 5 months, plus 3 months last year. So the past 9 years that's all she's really seen of me.

So, she wants to get to spend some "quality time" with me ..

 

[JadedGray]

I am having a hard time talking on this site, -- opening up about it brings an undescribable emotion.

I talked to my mom about my plans and she said to wait a year.

The only reason I hadn't done it yet was because she said it would bring her so much pain. (Nobody else cares enough to matter.) But after talking to her about how serious I was about my pain and hopelessness she seemed to understand, and that I was already set on my decision, but wanted to be considerate to her.

She said a year would be considerate to wait, to minimize her suffering.

But since I just ordered it yesterday, I feel it becoming harder to have to wait that long.

But I told her I would.. So..

This is my first post on this site, and I am not sure if talking more about it will be helpful. I think it might, ; there are just so many unopened emotions that I have not even begun to pull up.

So, I guess talking to people on here could help me just sort through everything before I go.

..

Well, at the very least she hasn't threatened to have you locked in a psychiatric hospital, so that's a small mercy.

 

[needtogonow]

I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much. I wish I could help. As a mother with an only child who ctb, I would say that if you said you'd wait a year, you should put that date on your calender and white knuckle your way to it. I say that because she clearly loves you a lot, and I can tell you from experience that the pain of losing a child is indescribable. I am in agony 24 hours a day and all I do is relive every interaction I had with my beloved son and blame myself for not being better, kinder, more insightful, and more patient.

I have written my will and ordered some stuff online. My husband wants me to wait two years, but all I can promise him is a day. On the day when my note is done, and everything else is ready to go, I will be sure to act really happy so that he doesn't suspect anything and ask me for more time.

 

[itsallover]

I survived a serious overdose attempt only to come back to the daily suffering. I can't find my health and happiness again as my mother blames for not being as functional and responsible as I was before I was sick. The only reason I have to stay alive is the lawsuit against the hospital that destroyed my health and life. I cannot work and my chance at a normal life is gone. I don't even know why I'm still trying and holding on anymore. If the suffering is too much then I would go ahead with it. My pain is physical and my symptoms are debilitating as I have gone to several doctors and tried many different procedures to no success. I'm looking at surgery now but my spirit has broken over these last three years. I was happy and outgoing before this and now I am just a shell of myself. Feel free to PM me and talk about it if you want. I don't know what you're going through whether it physical/mental or both, but I will try to understand. Mothers don't get it because they are not the ones suffering as I feel more of a connection to this community. You can't really blame them as they have a strong connection to us since they birthed and raised us, but as individuals we should not be forced to live with constant irreversible conditions just for the sake of others. I know suicide is a scary thing, but it is better than being left in the streets and to the system and just suffering everyday. Life is about goals, dreams, and aspirations, not waking up and just making it through the day.