Venting Just needed to get it out

[nicbaby]

I don't even know what I'm doing but I'm just so tired. I just turned 27. I am diagnosed major depressive, ocd, bpd, and ptsd. I am terrified of dying which is why I have failed so many times. In August it will be 2 years since I lost the love of my life unexpectedly.. he hung himself and i discovered him - hence the ptsd. I tried hanging myself a few weeks after he died but it only landed me in a 2 week stay in the psych ward and feeling so guilty because obviously everyone was worried about me, i had to have my friends cater to taking care of my pets and god knows how much money my parents had to pay for me to be in the hospital and just doing this to my family made me feel like shit. After losing my boyfriend I started to gain weight, I've been skinny my whole life and in recent years fell in love with lifting weights, going to the gym 5 days a week but that all went away after his passing so naturally now I'm bigger. Which only makes me more depressed and feel so horrible. I blew threw $30k of my savings after he died because it was so hard for me to work and make ends meet, i would work but it just wasn't enough. To make matters even worse because i got fat i got fired from my job resulting in me having to Get a minimum wage job and now work 40 hours a week. I can barely get by and my mental health is just worsening.. being my mental health also makes it hard for me to work like a normal person can. I am in so much debt, I can barely afford my medications, rent/bills. I can't even go to therapy or anything. I have thought about using SN but I'm just so scared. I also just feel so horrible because I don't want anyone to be sad or hurt or feel so guilty like I did when my boyfriend died. I miss him so much and would do anything for him back. I'm so stuck. Idk I'm just venting and yet am just angry at everything… angry at the cards I've been dealt with but at the same time if i feel this way then I'm just "feeling sorry for myself" and being selfish but I'm just so fucking exhausted. I have to work in the morning and am just dreading it. I literally just had a breakdown at work and took a mental health day so it's not like i can do that again and I want to just quit but I can't even afford that. It's like ok let me just work myself to death literally. Don't even fucking know why I made this post I just needed to get it out I guess. Suicide crosses my mind too often, living is painful and so is the thought of the consequences of putting my pain onto my family and friends