![thesighofleaves](/data/avatars/l/9/9983.jpg?1639153650)
thesighofleaves
Member
- Aug 19, 2019
- 21
I just need someone to say it's okay to leave. It's okay to even want to leave. I have close friends and I can't even talk to them because of their own selfishness. Every time I bring up suicideation the first thing out of their mouths is how sad they would be if I go.
But what about what I want? What about how I feel? After 16 years of the same bullshit that's pushing me to go that has never gotten better, when I can no longer see any way out, when the stress of it is destroying my body, when I've tried everything I could and nothing works. Why can't they just hug me and tell me that it's okay? That I tried so hard and they see me and they understand and they don't blame me?
Everyone wants to be an ear but they don't want to hear me. And don't even get me started on saying anything to normies who will lock you up at the slightest whiff of these thoughts, even philosophical, even metaphorical, even if they misunderstand something you said and you weren't even actually suicidal at the time (happened to me!)
Everything with people is an argument. Trying to get what I need to live always results in profound difficulty. It's a fight. I have to yell and scream and even then I almost never get it. And I don't want to live in a world where I have to get angry and desperate enough to even have to yell and scream (and have that most likely not work, too).
I can't be heard when I have needs. I can't be heard on what I really feel. Constant invalidation. I just don't want to be. Please someone just tell me that I tried hard and it's okay to not be.
But what about what I want? What about how I feel? After 16 years of the same bullshit that's pushing me to go that has never gotten better, when I can no longer see any way out, when the stress of it is destroying my body, when I've tried everything I could and nothing works. Why can't they just hug me and tell me that it's okay? That I tried so hard and they see me and they understand and they don't blame me?
Everyone wants to be an ear but they don't want to hear me. And don't even get me started on saying anything to normies who will lock you up at the slightest whiff of these thoughts, even philosophical, even metaphorical, even if they misunderstand something you said and you weren't even actually suicidal at the time (happened to me!)
Everything with people is an argument. Trying to get what I need to live always results in profound difficulty. It's a fight. I have to yell and scream and even then I almost never get it. And I don't want to live in a world where I have to get angry and desperate enough to even have to yell and scream (and have that most likely not work, too).
I can't be heard when I have needs. I can't be heard on what I really feel. Constant invalidation. I just don't want to be. Please someone just tell me that I tried hard and it's okay to not be.