Venting Just need to vent

[Mooshi]

So I haven't really been here for too long and I'm mostly a lurker but I just needed to get this off my chest.

So I'm a very private person, I rarely share details of my personal life with anybody but I have nobody to talk to. Me and my mother got into a verbal fight again. It isn't really anything serious but it just adds onto the anxiety and other problems I have in my life. I won't go into details into what it was about. This is what our interactions are mostly like nowadays.

I just want to ctb so bad, I think about doing it of every hour of everyday. I've been wanting to do it for years now so anything I do isn't really impulsive, but just something that pushes me over the edge. I've exhausted pretty much all my options and I'm just so tired of living. I just want to end it all. My mother doesn't know that I'm suicidal, only that I have depression and anxiety. She can be pretty insensitive about it at times though.

I've never shared these details outside therapy with anybody before so this is pretty anxiety-inducing for me. I'm just hoping to get some comfort or something. I don't know.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Thank you for sharing here, its does us good to get things off our chest. Its horrible to be wanting to die, I know that feeling well, yet am still here and have no method sorted out. Its complicated for me as have so many health problems that a lot of options are viable to me and wish to have a peaceful ending, have suffered enough without making it real hard for myself. I wish could go in my sleep.
You say you have never shared details outside of therapy before. Is therapy helping you?

 

[Mooshi]

Not at all, I've seen so many before for so long and they do nothing for me. It's a bunch of bs in my opinion

 

[Thereisnothing]

I have had lots of counselling/therapy in the past for various things and none of it helped me. In fact it seemed to make me worse. Some people really get a lot of help from therapy but it depends on the person/problem and who the therapist is. You really need a good and tight rapport/connection with them for it to even begin to work I feel.

 

[Mooshi]

Yeah, I agree. I've just exhausted almost, if not all, my options and the the misery just isn't worth the small amount of good moments I get in life.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hi, and welcome and sorry you are here and feel like you do.
Therapy isn't for everyone. You have to be open and honest and that can be a problem because admitting suicidal ideation isn't necessarily a good idea if you can't trust the therapist.
But it does help some people if you can engage.
I've found that medication doesn't help me at all, it's just chemically brushing problems under the carpet, but others have found certain medications can be helpful, even if only used in the short term.
It sounds like you mother isn't very supportive. Is it possible to change your situation, maybe move somewhere else and change your perspective?

 

[Mooshi]

No, I'm unemployed and pretty much stuck where I am right now