Sweet Tart
Arcanist
- May 10, 2023
- 452
Never posted a thread but I've been here for about a month. I guess I want to be heard by people who won't try to hospitalize me. It seems like everyone in my life wants me to kill myself. I was always off and on suicidal but the last few years, my depression has worsened. I've been living for the moments of peace here and there. I have no money and moved in with my family last year when my depression got so bad I couldn't work anymore. They don't want me here anymore and keep pressuring me to get a job even when I remind my mom that I left my last few jobs because abusive workplace dynamics in my field made me suicidal. I had a great career but lost it (and lost the respect I had worked so hard for) due to PTSD & chronic depression. I feel like the "me" who used to push forward and take on any challenge, is gone.
I reached out to my sisters for help and no response. My best friend (of over 20 years) lives far away and is there for me emotionally, but that's all. I am on edge all the time, because my mom and stepdad lash out at me out of nowhere and my narcissistic, emotionally abusive mom screams about how frustrated she is that I don't do exactly what she thinks will help me. She doesn't know me at all, just has an idea of who she thinks I should be. I'm queer and my family is quietly homophobic while pretending to be allies. I'm managing a serious chronic physical illness that is extremely draining and time consuming and that's really all I can manage.
It feels like my family is getting ready to kick me out and there is nothing left to do but ctb. Last night, my mom asked if I could go to a shelter with my cat. Of course, I can't bring my cat, nor is it possible to get a bed in a shelter on demand (esp. since I'm not coming from the street).
I'm so angry at my mom for pressuring me to recover from severe depression and be a functional person. I've always been a caretaker/scapegoat in the family and have been there for them when they needed anything from me. I can't make myself well and the meds and therapy aren't helping. Please don't berate me for being unable to help myself get out of this situation, I wish I could but clinical depression isn't a choice I made and it isn't always treatable. I've been trying for my whole life to get better and I'm in my mid-40s. So... these are the reasons I have lost hope that life can get better.
Sorry this is so long.
I reached out to my sisters for help and no response. My best friend (of over 20 years) lives far away and is there for me emotionally, but that's all. I am on edge all the time, because my mom and stepdad lash out at me out of nowhere and my narcissistic, emotionally abusive mom screams about how frustrated she is that I don't do exactly what she thinks will help me. She doesn't know me at all, just has an idea of who she thinks I should be. I'm queer and my family is quietly homophobic while pretending to be allies. I'm managing a serious chronic physical illness that is extremely draining and time consuming and that's really all I can manage.
It feels like my family is getting ready to kick me out and there is nothing left to do but ctb. Last night, my mom asked if I could go to a shelter with my cat. Of course, I can't bring my cat, nor is it possible to get a bed in a shelter on demand (esp. since I'm not coming from the street).
I'm so angry at my mom for pressuring me to recover from severe depression and be a functional person. I've always been a caretaker/scapegoat in the family and have been there for them when they needed anything from me. I can't make myself well and the meds and therapy aren't helping. Please don't berate me for being unable to help myself get out of this situation, I wish I could but clinical depression isn't a choice I made and it isn't always treatable. I've been trying for my whole life to get better and I'm in my mid-40s. So... these are the reasons I have lost hope that life can get better.
Sorry this is so long.
